prismatica | text, un: bellabelle

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text, un: bellabelle

[Pre-Post Narration | For Context Only]

[Josuke had wanted to hear her play the violin. That's how it all started, really. That's what brought her to one of the rehearsal rooms in the Lunatian Academy's music wing, armed with the violin she's had since her arrival in Prismatica yet whose case she hasn't even opened yet. For all she knows there isn't even a violin inside it, except that it's weighted as though there is, and why would anyone give her a violin case that doesn't have a violin in it, anyway?

She takes her time remembering how to begin. She tightens and rosins the bow. She reminds herself of how her fingers fit onto the strings, how the balance of the bow fits in her hand. It's been fifteen years since she last did this, but the muscle memory is still faintly there to help her along.

Her first attempt is predictably poor. She's back to the basics, starting from scratch, running through simple scales until the warmup starts to soak in, and little by little things start coming back to her. It's slow going; she makes more than her fair share of mistakes, sometimes simply fumbling the time signature, other times having to stop altogether to try to remember what comes next.

But eventually, she works her way up to a little tune — just a simple melody, rudimentary at best. It's funny; if she closes her eyes, she can almost imagine she's back at Budo-ga Oka, warming up with the rest of the club. Yumiko-senpai, settling into her first chair. Shuffling feet. Strings tuning up. It's so stupid that we're not supposed to wear nail polish, isn't it, Reimi-chan? It's not like it makes a difference!

Yumiko-senpai to her right, and then on her left was...

In the third-place position, it was...

Preoccupied as she is with her thoughts, she's actually playing more competently now than she'd been before, less focused on the particulars and more just letting muscle memory take over while she spirals deeper and deeper into thoughts of her school club. Whispers and giggling cut short when the conductor took his podium and rapped his baton, drawing everyone rapidly into sudden solemnity.

Kaidou-kun, you're not even in this club! What're you doing hanging around the door like that?

Kaidou-kun was so cute, he was the dreamiest guy in the whole school, not at all like...

The person playing third chair violin was...

Sugimoto, if you ever expect to earn a solo, you know you'll have to wipe off that nail polish. That sort of flashy extravagance has no place on my stage.

Reimi-chan, that pale pink makes your hands look so cute!

The person to her left was...

Oi, Kira, you weirdo, don't you know it's not polite to stare at girls? You have to treat a lady right! Watch, I'll show you how it's done — hey, Sugimoto, c'mon, are you going home? I'll walk you to the bus stop.

He was there.

He was there staring at her hands.

She doesn't drop the violin. She's stopped playing long since; the bow is trembling in her hand, and her fingertips are on the verge of being cut from how hard they're pressing into the strings, but she sets the violin back in its case and sits very still, feeling cold and scooped-out and vibrating with pins and needles all at once.

She gets up from her chair, feeling clumsy but restless, pacing the little room a few times before eventually stumbling to the nearest wall and sliding down it, pressing her back hard against the smooth, solid surface like she needs the reassurance that there's something protecting it, something that wouldn't let a knife get through.

He was always staring at her hands.

She stays there, huddled in the corner, for a long and silent time.]

[/Pre-Post Narration]

my friend josuke said i should try playing the violin again. i used to play a while ago! i was pretty good at it too back then but it turns out i'm not anymore. i thought about making a recording of myself playing so i could send it to people but it's no good. i don't even remember how to play a single note, ha ha.

but that's okay. i'm trying a lot of other things that aren't violin now. did you know that ballet is really hard? i guess that sounds kind of stupid but it turns out they say you're not even supposed to go en pointe until you've had two whole years of practice. i don't know why i thought it would go faster than that but it looks like i've got a really long way to go. i've missed out on so much.

it's pretty neat to walk around the city in the middle of all this geistnacht stuff too. i think there's been a party or a festival pretty much every night, hasn't there? i'm not sure if i believe all that stuff about the boundary between the living world and the afterlife getting thin but the costumes are pretty fun and the candy is too. some of the other "treats" people are giving out seem pretty indecent though but maybe that's just me.

i don't have a costume yet! i should get one. are lots of people dressing up this month? what are you dressing up as?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[And when it comes down to it, she can't lie to Abbacchio. She can't even be duplicitous, not any more than she already has been, not when Abbacchio poured out all of his wine and didn't buy any more because he's trying to be better. Her fingers itch. Everything feels prickly and raw and she doesn't even know why it feels like she's right on the verge of losing her temper when there's nothing to be mad about in the first place.]

i lied about not remembering how to play the violin.

i started playing and it made me think of the club i was in at school. i started remembering stuff that i guess i forgot but like...really vividly. like i was there again. i could almost hear the voices of my friends. i remembered my senpai saying my nail polish was cute.

did you know violinists aren't supposed to wear nail polish? it's dress code or something, you're not supposed to have flashy hands.

seems like an outdated opinion
but then it was like fifteen years ago or something when you were in school right?

anyway
i take it something happened when you were remembering
something that bothered you

it's because it takes away from the music or something
if the audience is just looking at your hands
i don't know, i remember he was kind of a stickler about stuff like that, really old-fashioned even when i was alive.

the person who killed me was

i don't know why i never say his name, it's not like saying his name is going to bring him here or something, right? it's so stupid.

some teachers are like that
it's a pain in the ass

hey
it's ok
i cant say the name of the guy who killed me either
that shit doesn't go away
but he was the one in your class i take it?

i think he was in
no i mean i know he was in the music club with me. we both played violin.

i think

i think the music club is what made him pick me. to murder. i think that's why it was me.

reimi
im sorry
that must have been a rough flashback
i get those
sometimes

are you ok? do you need me to come over?

i'm still at the academy, in the practice room
i just kind of sat down and didn't get back up, haha

i keep telling myself it's not my fault
wearing nail polish isn't a crime
even if it's the reason he picked me, that's his fault
it's not my fault
he killed me because he was a horrible monster and a creepy sicko and it wasn't my fault

but now i have to wonder if it still would have been me if i'd just done what our conductor said and wiped the polish off

you know what wondering like that is gonna do to you?
send you down a dark fucking rabbit hole
you'll never know how things might have turned out differently
and wondering is only going to agonize you

it's something i know way too well.
whatever his decisions were, whatever his reasoning, it's got nothing to do with you
and you should have had your life.
you were fucking robbed.

i wouldn't have wanted it to be anyone else anyway
if it wasn't me it would've been someone else
i wouldn't wish this on someone else

i guess it just surprised me how bad it felt
i thought after this long i would've put all that behind me
i didn't know there were still things that would make me feel like this

i think that this kind of pain isn't ever gonna go away entirely
even if you have years of it behind you
but i want you to know it's ok for it to not be ok

it'll come back to slap you in the face when you least expect it
it sucks
but i promise you'll be all right
and it won't be just you and arnold dealing with it anymore

i really thought it did.
fifteen years was so long i really thought it was gone.

but you're probably right

and at least now i know it might happen again. in case i do other things that might remind me of things like that.

...hey, abbacchio

[It takes a minute or two. But then a voice call comes over the line, and when it connects, there's violin music on the other end.]

ha
listen to you
you're a step up from me for sure

thank you reimi
and you know i'm here for you

i feel bad for lying to everyone

i guess i'll have to say something eventually that i really do remember a lot more than i thought i would, about how to play and everything

i just said that because i didn't want anybody to ask me about it for a while

or to be playing and then start remembering things again unexpectedly.

dont feel bad
you need your space about it and no one needs to ask those kinds of questions

im sorry for asking but you know
you're my friend
i just wanna know you're ok and you can talk to me
shit like that

it's not your fault.

actually, i'm kind of glad there's someone who knows me so well that even when i'm trying to hide it, you still know how i feel deep down.

besides, it's easy to share my feelings with you. you know that, right?

yeah
i think i do
i dont always feel like the best kind of person but
i know i try to do right by you and we've shared a lot
i want to be reliable for you

trust me, that's not something you ever have to worry about.

that doesn't mean i'm telling you not to because i understand that worrying doesn't always make sense sometimes. but i don't worry about it. you know?

i guess that'll have to be enough for me
that you trust me that much

but yeah
i wanna be here for you

and if we
i dont know
if we end up going back to the afterlife or whatever the fuck happens
i'll look for you

For you it's 2001, right? For me it was 1999...that's two years.

So. I'll wait for you.

thanks
i'm sure florentino would love you too you know

You'll bring him with you, right? When you find me?

of course i will
he'd want to meet you

Okay. Good.

You better show up holding his hand or I'm going to make fun of you.

text, un: bellabelle

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