沈清秋 | Shen Qingqiu (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
peerlesscucumber) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
prismatica2019-07-15 02:46 pm
peerlesscucumber) wrote in prismatica2019-07-15 02:46 pm
Entry tags:
- ace attorney: miles edgeworth,
- axis powers hetalia: japan,
- inuyasha: inuyasha,
- inuyasha: sesshomaru,
- mahou sensei negima: konoka konoe,
- metal gear: otacon,
- no more heroes: travis touchdown,
- overwatch: hanzo shimada,
- persona 5: goro akechi,
- pushing daisies: ned,
- scum villain: luo binghe,
- scum villain: shen qingqiu
anonymous text post
Chroma, Moonlacing, and You
Congratulations! You're now on the planet Prismatica, in the city of Lunatia, population: Prismals and Moonblessed. (That's you!) What do you want to know about Chroma, Moonlacing, and your survival in this place?
What is Chroma?
To recap what the Lunar Scientia should have said when you were processed, Chroma is a form of energy that we, the Moonblessed, generate. In Prismatica's history, Chroma was also produced through various means on world, but since the Calamity, Prismatica has only been processing energy crystals for demichroma to keep things working. Demichroma is both a less powerful form of energy and the standard currency throughout Lunatia, and is what any person working in the city will be paid in. Weird enough yet? It gets weirder.Why should I care about Chroma?
You should care because if your body's Chroma levels fall too low, you'll begin crystalising. You need direct infusions of Chroma to reverse the process, and the only way of getting that Chroma is through moonlacing.If your body loses all Chroma, you will completely crystalise and die. This should be difficult. Should be! If you're feeling horrible, take at least one hand held out to you so you don't get to this point. See What happens when we die? for more information.
What the fuck?! Why do I lose Chroma?
Chroma is a form of energy. It seems like it may be linked with your life energy here on Prismatica. Living your life means burning energy, and now you don't only use the energy of food or whatever the fuck usually keeps you functioning, but also use Chroma in order to stay functional on this world.You lose Chroma because you burn it up like any other energy source by existing. Which is why you need to moonlace for more Chroma to stay active and healthy.
Be warned, Moonblessed! You can burn through Chroma faster by doing any of the following:
- participating in any non-moonlacing related physical activities that take a lot of normal energy;
- using any special or advanced abilities you may have (magic, superpowers, energy manipulation, psychic abilities, any and everything, even whatever you're thinking about now, probably);
- or being under the influence of outside forces. Are you influenced by the Cordis moon? Sorry, Moonblessed, but you may find your Chroma consumption goes up whenever your moon's in phase! Have you been drugged with Glow? Welcome to your new energy vampire urges!
Then what is Moonlacing?
When one Moonblessed and another Moonblessed come into physical contact, they generate Chroma. Think of it as a reaction that naturally occurs when two Moonblessed come into contact and maintain that contact, though it does not appear to work well or at all in instances of senseless violence or force. Sparring is a different matter, but punching someone for no reason or choking them for Chroma if they're not into breath-play and haven't given consent is not going to work.Moonlacing is the name for this process of Chroma generation between two Moonblessed. No one knows what the fuck is up with it, only that it happens, and can be measured for how much Chroma-energy is generated at a time. Chroma is weird, because you need it to live, and yet it also is credited as "energy" you've added to Prismatica... and since energy is money here, it's money you've earned.
Now, Chroma that you naturally lose seems like it's absorbed by the world around us, or by some technology the Prismals in Lunar Scientia use, or maybe both or something else, which is how it's out there getting measured by Lunatia. Chroma you consume directly to use any abilities you have does not get released out into the world, but still appears to be counted as currency "earned" at time of moonlacing. This Anon doesn't understand it either. Financial records are visible and yet still mysterious.
How do you Moonlace?
Any way you can imagine that isn't rejected by one or more people involved. Two things of importance to note:- Moonlacing does not require direct skin contact.
- Moonlacing will always feel good, but that does not mean all moonlacing will feel arousing. (Arousing can be of any associated emotion, okay! Any emotion! Any emotion!)
Forms of moonlacing contact can include, but are not limited to:
- Napping on or in physical contact with someone. (Also ideal when you have a full animal moonphase form.)
- Clasping a shoulder or upper arm.
- Holding hands.
- Brushing each other's hair.
- Shoulder massages.
- Wrestling.
- Supporting your drunk friend home. Or at least out of the bar.
- Carrying someone.
- Hugging.
- Cuddling.
- Snuggling. (Is there a difference between this and cuddling? This Anon just does not know.)
- Leaning shoulder to shoulder.
- Kissing foreheads, cheeks, hands, anywhere really.
- Everything remotely sexual does too. I'm not making that list for you. Sexy Anons out there can make that list for you!
Can Moonlacing help heal?
For those who participated in recent tournament events, the answer appears to point toward "yes." However, it should be noted that increasingly more intimate levels of moonlacing were better at helping bodies recover quickly: kissing provided more than hands held over wounds, but massaging helped muscle aches, embraces helped generate enough Chroma for people's natural abilities to take control, and so on.Short of something incredibly ill advised with someone suffering fatal injuries, moonlacing is not enough to save you when you're already dying. Talk to Prismals, and they'll tell you even in their general knowledge, "healing" was for minor injuries. It's what all those kisses exchanged before people swaggered out onto the arena were about, and all the hugs from Daddy Dearest before we went down. Moonblessed seem to be able to heal more than minor injuries with enough moonlacing, but it is not! Enough! To prevent you from dying if you've lost all your chroma already. Understood?! Don't go testing this out!
What happens when we die?
When you die, either because you used all your Chroma or because you managed to kill yourself or get yourself killed... your corpse is encased in crystal. Just your corpse. You're movable by anyone who can manipulate the crystal sculpture you've turned into, and as this Anon has been assured, the Prismals will take care of the crystal body if your friends don't want to.But wait! There's more! Like everything else here, it gets weirder. After enough chroma has slowly seeped back into your body... you resurrect. Not entirely okay, but at least you're not fucking dead because you fucking died.
Prismals find nothing weird about this. Crystalising when you die is normal here. The not normal part is coming back out of the crystal, which if you remember waking up on the moon? Sounds like the same fucking process.
What happens when we disappear?
Great question. No idea. Does anyone have an answer from Lunar Scientia about this?This is "as accurate as it can be right now," which means if you have information to add, comment for Anon to update. If you have questions, ask and this Anon or any of the other people reading can speak up and try to answer.
A question for anyone who knows: is there any noted increase in overall moonlacing if more than two people are involved in an act of moonlacing?
[ What follows is an audio version of this post with a big, green play arrow for anyone who doesn't read; it will narrate this post and replies in a voice oddly similar to Samuel L. Jackson. ]
[ 3/3 ]
Don't you think that's asking for a bit much without even the slightest bit of information?
[ Anon, you are leaving out important facts that are necessary for
phone sexthese sorts of negotiations. He may be prying for details, but even if Binghe wasn't it would be helpful to know if he's speaking to a gentleman or a lady. He's not eavesdropped on all the conversations here, so it remains a mystery. ]1/3
It destroys part of his heart, knowing that is where Luo Binghe died. It's why he needed light to find his form above ground, why he'd had that clear latticework overhead.
There's a sort of openness here that allows him to be more himself than he is usually, because most of himself is a man who lives so tightly controlled in his own head that thoughts don't make it out for others to even see. He listens to Binghe, and he imagines in his mind's eye the way he'd look as he speak, and that almost makes it hurt worse: hurt, because he understands what he's talking about, but also because he's confused.
And feeling very, very little like a worthy Shizun for anyone, which is a whole other complicated feeling. Touched with something like shame, too, laced with dishonesty, and that return to feeling like he's not only scum, he's never been able to do anything to help this man since he was seventeen and Shen Qingqiu systematically, intentionally and otherwise, harmed.
His finger hovers over his device's screen, and the messages that come back take a little more time, not smooth flowing like most of Anonymous's communications here. Aside from sensible gaps indicating someone has a life they're living, not married to the internet, which thank you! He hasn't been for years! Still, he's here now, and it takes him time to decide on... honesty.
Because it can be his without being his. ]
I'm a person who has become good at self denial out of necessity. I don't like what inadvertent touch does. I don't like that it's provocative when I'd prefer peace. It's worse under the moon cycle's influence, because it becomes harder to avoid that contact. Walking through crowds becomes unbearable. It doesn't take another Moonblessed to "spark" that sensation, just another living, thinking, feeling being. I bribed people to purchase the meals I needed because I couldn't bear the contact anymore. Not with strangers. People liked reaching out, caressing... people do what they shouldn't. They don't mean to be rude, but they're rude.
I don't like it. I don't enjoy it. I don't even know if I would want to let go in a place like this. What does that mean, really? Letting go? I don't want to. It sounds messy. It sounds dangerous. It sounds like a familiar song played in the wrong key.
[ Familiar but unsettling, just subtly wrong, enough you can point to it and see it, but not fix it without taking control yourself. ]
It's that reason that I invite people to hold my hand. Or touch my shoulder, or whatever it is. When you know it's coming, it's easier. When you know, logically, you don't feel this way from the heart, it's easier to not exactly ignore it, but not give it more meaning than it has.
2/3
[ Had caught him off-guard, to be honest, but it shouldn't have. Binghe is and has always been a person who feels things totally, thoroughly, and as an adult is... well. He's seen how emotion swings wild and deep within him. He doesn't know if Binghe feels anything that isn't ultimately consuming. If that wasn't simply part of his nature, to want, but— ]
Have you actively sought out Moonlacing with anyone here?
[ It's like his mind goes from a whirring sound as something, again, tries to make itself known... ]
3/3
Uh.
Like fuck he's giving you information about himself! Even if he's kind of speechless and may or may not feel his heart aching a bit from earlier things you've said, Luo Binghe, he's not handing himself over on a silver platter! Silver tongue is not silver enough! ]
I think you already have the slightest bit of information. This Anon will politely decline to give anything pointed.
Anyway, forget that, forget that. I meant what I said about you having a nice voice. Just... read me something. Any fictional story you can borrow from the library. No costs involved.
[ He says this without realising all the fictional stories easiest to get from the library are the equivalent of bodice rippers, so, congratulations, Shizun, you just went from phone sex to sexy audio novel? To be fair, he hasn't looked at fiction. He's more interesting in what's non-fiction! There's so much he has to learn!
Anyway, this should be less... dangerous. Yes. Less dangerous than giving Luo Binghe information to build Shen Qingqiu's shadow out of the tidbits of himself hidden all around this post. ]
no subject
Ignoring that, aren't they asking a question he'd just stated in precisely so many words? And all without even rephrasing themselves? It smacks of those moments where words are parroted back due to the shock of what was just said. To him it reads as though this person was taken off guard by what Binghe implied earlier about his own method of Moonlacing, which makes no sense. Because why would a complete stranger seem fazed by another unknown Moonblessed's private life?
He can't pinpoint why that of all things has him stopping in his tracks, mind distracted from all the other equally valid points worthy of his attention. But it does. ]
I'm not sure why you'd ask. Or seem so surprised.
[ There's a nagging inclination to simply say "Yes" and allow someone else to fill in the blanks however much they like. Permitting whomever it is, that lurks behind the barriers of devices and so much avoidance to remain faceless, to draw conclusions that honestly hold no worth or weight in Luo Binghe's mind. He doesn't concern himself with the opinions of those here, unless tales of his bad behavior would circulate through the grapevine to land in his Shizun's lap.
What's perplexing is that this person doesn't ask if Binghe has kissed anyone, if certain callously referred to bases were rounded with winks and nudges, or if he's still innocent of the heights of ecstasy people often chase behind closed doors and between sheets. The sheer lack of definition in this question, free of anything but the vague description, winds up being so open-ended that it inadvertently leaves ample enough room for Luo Binghe to tell his version of the truth- lying by omission when he's not under any obligation to clarify the finer details. ]
But I did just say as much, didn't I?
[ He eventually settles on something that could lead to similar conclusions, considering the demands here and his earlier declarations. ]
Wasn't that the premise of this entire post? Enthusiastically promoting active Moonlacing?
[ This exchange involves not a lick of video content, so the person he now speaks to cannot see the expressions flickering across Binghe's face. And aware or not that his voice is the only thing that may give away any such emotions, his tone stays mostly level. Inquisitive without outright rubbing this person's face in how quickly they'd back-peddled on their own suggestion.
But Luo Binghe still sees that chink in their armor once they all but run from the suggestive lean their conversation was taking. It's a soft, pliant thing hidden under layers of all their authority and strict advice. So he reaches out, gets a feel for where this unknown soul has given him a flash of their bared throat, and he closes in on that. ]
A moment ago you wanted me to detail the things I'd do to you. Describe exactly how I'd entice you into cooperation, once you were close enough to touch.
[ But only through the sterile clinical distance of spoken words. How bizarre and intriguing- that no matter all their encouragement, downright bullheaded at times, this person holds a similar mindset about being touched. ]
You asked for that. Instigated it and desired it.
Go ahead and say so, if I'm wrong. [ He dares, knowing this fact is a clue to something larger he can't yet see. ] But I don't think I am.
I'd ask what made you change your mind... But I'm more interested in how protective you are of your identity.
It's almost like you have something to hide.
no subject
However, for once he's not sitting here afraid of a violence that has seemed inevitable for years. No, he's sitting there with his face in his hands groaning inwardly. Stop! Calling! Him! Out! You don't even know who this is, how are you so good at this?!
(Because Binghe is a very intelligent man, and in another context, he'd be wanting to eat popcorn and observe as Binghe systematically takes on anonymous and wins, but not the context where he is the anon!)
In the end, he has to admit: it's his own damn curiosity that gets him into these things in the first place! You'd think he'd learn! You really think he would! ]
Is anonymous a new concept for you? Yes, of course I have something to hide. My name at minimum. Who knows what else! Anonymous is a collective, not just an individual. Anonymous in this post means anyone can take on the role of information gathering, distilling, and sharing. That it doesn't hinge on just one person.
Anyway, enough! Enough! Yes, I did ask for it, this Anon admits to that. I also admit to changing my mind! As for the premise of this post, yes, it's enthusiastically promoting active Moonlacing... and listing out platonic forms. It can be easier to remember you're not attracted to someone just because you're holding their hand when you can distract yourself from the sensation at the time. Easier to separate the heart out from the physical sensation.
[ As Shen Qingqiu has learned.
So Binghe had gone out of his way to moonlace? But with whom? Wait, had he finally found his first wife? Is he starting a whole different kind of harem here on Prismatica?! Now he's curious! He's really curious! For a moment, he'd thought he'd been the only one Luo Binghe had engaged with for whatever reason, but it turns out that isn't true! (As it shouldn't be, but how had he been so bereft of chroma there at the end? Had his future-wife stayed sensibly above ground?)
His good (and, yes, scary at times, he's not forgotten that) disciple is growing up... a bit later than he expected, but he's proud! And insanely curious! Also distracted away from the other points, like his lingering anger over Luo Binghe's death, but this isn't the time or place to deal with any of those complicated emotions anyway. Half of this post was cathartic shade tossing at the man he's talking to now. ]
I'm not interested in forcing you to act out something ingenuine. Not you, not anyone else. I was vaguely curious about your limits, but I apologise for being crass enough to suggest any of it in the first place. I shouldn't have.
[ Truly... a master of backpedaling! This one sided game of gay chicken didn't even make it past the starting line! This cock's run the opposite way on the track! You win, Binghe! You win, hands down! ]
no subject
Out of everyone here you targeted me. And amused yourself with the idea of seeing how far I'd go.
[ He gleans that much from what's said. But what had prompted the Moonblesed who existed behind these walls of texts to single him out with such a taunt? Coaxing and cajoling that he perform in some manner to, in no uncertain terms, at least satisfy their curiosity enough to prompt an interest in future communication. ]
Why?
[ His patience for tolerating whatever nonsense this person has dished out has been rendered nonexistent. It's swiftly being replaced with growing irritation and the perception of things not adding up. Questions are piling messily in ever-growing stacks within his mind as this strange, unknown individual takes responsibility for the things they've done. Leaving Binghe wondering why he was singled out for such a strangely intimate thing, only to be refused in the next breath. ]
Is this something you do for fun? Toying with people, watching them jump through hoops and degrade themselves for information?
[ Luring people into situations where they owe some provocative performance for the hope of gleaning off a little information from someone who clearly thinks in such logical, calculating ways they can sift through the bullshit to find pertinent details. ]
If that's not the case-
[ He can only think of one alternative to being treated like some prop for this person's amusement. They aren't a stranger. It's unlikely, considering Luo Binghe's associations are few and far between. Companionship is a slow going affair and friendship a battle, unlike the way others with less shut off and aggressive personalities attract companions in droves. But that doesn't mean he hasn't met this person enough for them to have a reason to pick him from a crowd for interactions that seem less and less reasonable the more he considers it. Who solicits a complete stranger to profess bedroom talk at the drop of a hat? No one, unless there's much more to the story than that. ]
Do I know you?
i'm so sorry
No, no, of course by the time Binghe's asking if he knows him there's another worry, but before that—he'd targeted who? He'd been toying with what? Dear protagonist, what twisting of logic is going on here?!
Look, he's not sure how they got to this point, but at least he can clearly and pointedly say none of this was his intention or motivation! Shut up about the "do I know you," all the rest is a problem too! ]
You're kind of an asshole, aren't you.
[ OR HE CAN EXPLAIN EXACTLY NOTHING, THAT'S VALID ]
I know that I am, I'm just not sure if you own yours the same way.
Look, the why's simple. Unlike anyone who asked if I'd keep this information or themselves updated... you didn't ask. Not at all. You made a statement about assumptions and my nature, and I responded sarcastically. Several other bad decisions later, we're here. And the lack of guarantee about timelines I mentioned while being sarcastic? It's true. I can't guarantee a timeline on when I'll learn what I don't know.
I do have a question or two for you, relating to the fact you turned this thread private. Just what were you assuming was going to happen? And why are you assuming you're the only one who did so?
[ Who is not answering "do I know you?" This guy. This guy who kind of wants to warn Binghe against arguing with anons, because while he's being an honest anon (he thinks), he's uh. He's aware you just.. you don't win arguments with anons. ]
no subject
Half-breed bastard is an old favorite you're welcome to use as you see fit.
[ Perhaps this jab is meant to hurt, to wound Luo Binghe in a way that will leave him licking his wounds after this conversation is long over. But it falls terribly short of such potential expectations.
Considering that he's essentially the blight upon the cultivation world back home, Luo Binghe is so accustomed to belittlement that he doesn't much as flinch at having a derogatory term thrown in his face. If altruism is impossible to handle and manipulation familiar ground, then outright disdain is familiar to him as the back of his hand. ]
Does it really matter to you what I was expecting?
And even if you'd simply asked for a bribe that's a conversation I don't want certain people seeing.
no subject
[ Because unlike when he was stuck under an OOC lock, he doesn't have to think of ways to dehumanised Binghe just to speak about, summon, or otherwise interface with him. On or off anonymous. ]
Meeting questions with questions... one should admire your style. An answer: yes, it matters to me. Another: yes, that doesn't mean there's a reason to answer, because there's no reason that should matter in turn to you. And a question: who didn't you want seeing this?
[ ... whoever he's managed to fall for here in like, the two weeks be was around before he died? Or however long it was! He's kept better track since Binghe died than he did before he... than he did before. ]
no subject
[ The one thing Binghe hates most of all is others assuming the worst of him. It's a practice Shen Qingqiu practically elevated into art, blaming him for every slight that came his way and all the wrongs that befell him at the hands of others. The times that Luo Binghe had harmed his shizun were always direct, he'd delivered those things in person as they stood face to face, owning them in the stead of stabbing him in the back from the shadows. ]
I just don't understand why you care so much about what I was thinking.
[ His frustration is evident, but it doesn't quite peak into rage. It never has, however much he's felt... jerked around by this person he cannot see, or hear or touch, who seems more like the illusion of a person than anything tangible. Smoke and mirrors that lead him on, speaking in taunts and occasional jabs, and then brief moments of kindness. It's enough to make his head spin until he can only cast out honest replies when he really ought to be more guarded. ]
I don't know. [ His helpless shrug is audible in words if not the motion itself. ] Some words, I suppose.
[ He doesn't have to outwardly admit he'd been putting on an act and going with the flow of this person's incentives to express it. Still, he hadn't considered what this person wanted, or what precisely he was supposed to do, beyond knowing nothing said or promised would come to fruition. His only knee-jerk reaction, built from dealing with so many who tried these maneuvers with every intention of getting what they wanted from him in exchange for his own goals, was to string them along with all the words they wanted to hear. Only to cut them off long before they ever got whatever piece of him they were after- his body, his heart, or something else.
He had an idea there was something more to this person's invitation. The workings of Prismatica nearly ensure that, weaving that edge of desire and something a little sexual into even the most innocent interactions, like a viper lying in wait the instant it sees an opening. But Luo Binghe hasn't any experience in these things, from talking to someone like this to acting on it. He has nothing to work off from in those terms to know when someone is luring him in with a salacious invitation or just asking for a favor. And this world only muddles the waters even more, when Binghe has grown all but paranoid that no kindness or affection is without its strings or the one-sided want for more from him. ]
It's the same way you spoke about being touched. It's better to expect that someone wants more from you and be prepared than feel surprised.
[ That last question has him suddenly putting his guard up, refusing to offer up a name that flutters around in his head, as though the more he tries to repress such an admittance the more urgently he feels compelled to. ]
The person I spoke of earlier. [ Discreetly, but still mentioned in the want to touch them. ] They're watching your message.
[ The whole of Prsimatica could be, if one wants to get technical. So Luo Binghe believes he's not giving away too much. Just enough to make it clear he had a valid reason to lock this down outside any expectations on where this conversation may lead. ]
welcome to a minor gay panic
But he knows why he's asking, he knows that for him, it's because Luo Binghe isn't a stranger, but one who is so familiar, gone somewhat strange. Someone he's alternately mad at, sad over, conflicted about, and nervous with, all while still, ridiculously, wanting to protect him. Which is stupid! He's already failed that spectacularly several times in his life, and here his track record isn't looking much better!
And why is it anyway that this whole conversation is back to making him... sad, of all things? Or not sad, maybe, but... aching?
Maybe he was just too tired. Maybe he was coming down with a cold. Maybe. ]
I want to understand. Or I care to understand. Since we've both done a good job about assuming we know what it is the other person wants, or what they're talking about.
What you say is true, but if anything this Anon says has worth, please value yourself higher. Information is valuable, but you're clearly intelligent. You don't need to cater to someone else in ways you don't enjoy in order to find out the things that matter to you.
[ The stuff about assumptions is worth reflecting on for his sake, because on his end, it's even more confusing. Just as... well. He scrolls through all the responses to his post, cataloguing them one by one. Luo Binghe's person that he wanted to touch, that's what he means by the person he spoke of earlier. The one hidden behind a private screen, so that they don't know. Who of the ones with a recogniseable name have replied?
How familiar is Binghe with technology to know any of those who wrote in text, instead of spoke with a voice? He's guessing, based on Binghe's own choice response, that while the reading is easy enough, the relationships of usernames may not be untuitive. It's essentially a layer of self-chosen names applied for a specific social purpose, and Binghe was from a world and time where even courtesy names weren't common outside of certain social situations, like the generational names given to the leaders of a sect by their masters prior to when they take over in leading roles. Shen Qingqiu becoming Shen Qingqiu, and not Shen... Jiu? If he's basing this on suppositions from some of the things Yue Qingyuan has said over the years.
The problem, when he looks over replies, is that there aer a handful of people who fit that description. Himself, Luo Binghe, Sesshomaru, Inuyasha, and a woman he had not previously met. One who had also asked why he hid his identity. Based on how she looke, she... potentially wasn't human, and was also the only woman to respond in such a way, but she just...
How was she unique compared to the many lovely ladies from their world? She wasn't! At a glance, she simply wasn't! And it's just as ridiculous imagining Luo Binghe with Sesshomaru (who reminds Shen Qingqiu so much of Liu Qingge in certain aspects of his arrogance), because it seemed far more likely they'd butt heads, and also, Sesshomaru was male! Pretty, yes, but a man, and not as beautiful as Luo Binghe! Also something of a purist! The idea of the same with Inuyasha has Shen Qingqiu frowning: personality wise, he doesn't see how they'd mesh like that, and again, he's a man! A younger man! Older, actually, but his mentality and presentation was more teenaged than teenage Luo Binghe had been!
Besides, isn't Luo Binghe straight? Then it has to be that woman, or—
Shen Qingqiu frowns, because he really is too curious, and he's arguing himself into a corner that leaves him with two improbable options: the lovely, but not as lovely as certain ladies (human and demon) back home person who'd questioned his anonymity, and... himself. He wants to dismiss the possibility, is ready to, but makes himself pause and pull back and replay the messages Luo Binghe's sent.
Fact: Luo Binghe claims to have kept this Shizun's body in pristine condition for the last five years.
Fact: Luo Binghe had been begging in dreams for Shen Qingqiu to wake up. It hadn't seemed to be a ploy to get Shen Qingqiu to reveal himself. Luo Binghe's responses were a little too raw in his eyes to be the kind of perfected lies he believes Luo Binghe must be good at by now.
Fact: Luo Binghe had tracked Shen Qingqiu down in the Obscuria Resort casino, and had been, in retrospect, rather handsy. Without the cutting edge of violence that Shen Qingqiu had been fearing was only waiting in the wings. Luo Binghe had run away (?) instead of retreated strategically (?) when Shen Qingqiu had been suffering his fire-smoke coughing fit.
Fact: He himself had initiated trying to save Luo Binghe's dying flame of a life by kissing him on that rooftop, because he'd hoped that moonlacing would help stop his death-seeking disciple from finding his end... but it'd been Luo Binghe who'd wasted energy on lifting an arm and pulling Shen Qingqiu further down and meeting his lips with his own demanding, desperate kisses, and for the first time he's allowing himself to remember and wonder (not without a lacing of pain that makes him grimace, a memory of blood on his tongue and down his throat) if that desperate had not been out of sudden re-discovered will to live.
Fact: Shen Qingqiu is wondering if he's been making a few more assumptions than he should, but also, he's making an assumption now if he's so stupid to believe Luo Binghe could, in any reality, be implicating that he wants him.
Fact: Because if he did, then Shen Qingqiu... had bent the protagonist.
Supposition: Holy fuck, had he bent Luo Binghe?!
Wait, wait, no, that's nowhere near enough evidence, there's—the lack of any closeness with the women who were supposed to be his wives? The various incidents of Shen Qingqiu finding himself unexpectedly in the maiden's role in so many of those situations where he shouldn't have been involved at all? Luo Binghe's inability to process his grief over Shen Qingqiu?
But how the hell does that make sense! Even if that was true, even if Luo Binghe meant anything of the kind, then why the hell had he tried so hard to die? What was this, craving every part of your body against them. Inside them?! What was this denying what he, his father, had said about never truly hating Luo Binghe?! ]
The person you desire?
[ He brain shies away from anything like emotion, because that feels like the next impossible thing. The Heartbreak points from his fall were of trust for a mentor having betrayed him, proving a hypocrite in the moment where it'd mattered most. Chasing him down in Jinlan City, asking why he ran, why he laughed and smiled with everyone else, forcing his blood down Shen Qingqiu's throat—that was all the anger he'd expected, all the hurt, and all the wish to harm. Wasn't it? His torture by blood after escaping from the metal whip torture of another of Binghe's disregarded future wives, the small scenario pusher that followed, Binghe's anger when Shen Qingqiu had allowed his borrowed robe to slide off him—anger at his refusal? At not bending to Luo Binghe's whims?
Or was it, perhaps, something else? Just what! The hell! Is going! On! You can't tell him he's been missing something that obvious this whole damn time, can you?! Luo Binghe was supposed to hate him! Supposed to want him dead for all the wrongs he'd visited down on him over his teen years! For the things that the original goods had already done by the time Shen Yuan transmigrated, and for the things Shen Qingqiu had done after, either playing against the knowledge of Luo Binghe's in-world invincibility, or playing out under the immense stress of the System's dictations.
There's no mention of this. None! You can't say he switched genres from—from a Stallion Novel to Boy's Love! He could be taking all of this wildly out of context! Assumptions are assumptions! What's that English phrase? "When you assume it makes an ass out of u and me?" ]
no subject
Someone I can't be without.
[ There's only one scenario where either of them being sent home wouldn't spell a tragic end to Luo Binghe's life, forcing him to survive the emptiness of being denied Shen Qingqiu's existence with all the endless agony of having his heart pried from his chest. That involves the two of them returning to their world together, and the unlikely event that whatever power which exists on Prismatica, strong enough to revive those who'd died in their home world, will endure after leaving.
But what promises do they have that whatever chroma-based resurrection that Shen Qingqiu experienced, that reconnected his soul to an empty body Luo Binghe had felt drained of life, would maintain itself when separated from this world and its power? Who can say Luo Binghe's own experience of cheating death would last either? The worst-case scenario was that their renewed lives will dissipate into the void once they've gone, with nothing waiting for them beyond Prismatica but a death more permanent than those before. ]
This is the only place I'll ever be able to see them. Which is why I absolutely cannot leave, as long as I'm still capable of drawing breath.
[ Thinking his words to be vague enough, Binghe structures a reply that potentially could refer to anyone. Any person from another world is naturally one he'd be unable to see again, should either find themselves transported back from where they came. It isn't as though he could follow this fictional lover to a different place or time, could he?
Except he hasn't the slightest clue that Shen Qingqiu expertly took the barest slivers of hints, extrapolated the facts from those, and already ruled out all other options beyond himself. A show of logical brilliance that Luo Binghe had taken note of during the beginnings of this conversation, yet one he now fails to realize has already been used to see right through him. ]
And if I cannot find the answers myself, or not quickly enough? Is it worth the risk of letting these things slip away and possibly losing them forever?
[ It's not to his advantage, airing his desperation so flagrantly to someone who holds an advantage over him as the most capable person he's met among the Moonblessed to find the answers he needs. But Binghe cannot bring himself to care when he feels the walls pressing down all around him at just the notion of such a future, hanging over his head at all times like a guillotine, meant to sever the thin red thread that's joined them yet again against all conceivable odds. ]
no subject
There's no ground left to stand on by the banks of this river of denial, and he's been in that river too often the last three weeks, denying something else related to this man. His death, the utter inability he, Shen Qingqiu, had in accepting it, how the fear that it might happen had instantly morphed into the terror of it already being in process.
He really should talk to Luo Binghe about being careful with Anonymous. Not because he's too specific; Shen Qingqiu has an advantage most would lack, that most would be unable to logic through. But because if Binghe feels this much, if he's this desperate, then there's a danger in what people will do to manipulate him, and he clearly doesn't want Shen Qingqiu to know the lengths to which he's willing to go.
It's too much. It's so backward from what he'd thought was true, Shen Qingqiu is left sitting there, fingers curling into his fists, muttering a single curse under his breath.
Then his face drops down into suddenly opened hands, heels of his palms pressed against his eyes, and he tries to make it make sense. Tries to sort out the extensive, tangled web of his own feelings, and doesn't know what to make of it. Only knows on some level this scares him, but in a different way than his usual fears. In a way that speaks to him about what the last three weeks have been like, what a lifetime here (long or short) would be like with that weight resting heavy on his chest, making it hard to breathe.
There is a part of him that had wanted to survive on their shared world, had wanted to thrive, to keep an eye on Luo Binghe's progress from the fringes. To witness the world Luo Binghe would bring into existence, and see how it all played out. Luo Binghe was always going to be alive. In every scenario, the only way Shen Qingqiu has imagined him is as a living, breathing, powerful monolith of a man, and this place has broken that image with a ruthlessness that shows how little Shen Qingqiu ever really had in his control.
He wants to doubt who Luo Binghe is talking about. He wants to believe he hasn't been wrong.
Shen Qingqiu is a practical enough man, time to time, perhaps almost too practical. But not practical enough in the face of his own emotions, as unspoken as they are, and not the kind to deny something he's starting to realise.
Luo Binghe does not hate him, though he has every right to, and reasonably should, really. He won't name what it is, only that his disciple, this fair faced familiar stranger, says he does not want to return home, that he does not want to leave this bizarre landscape, that he cannot leave if he's breathing (why did you fucking kill yourself, Luo Binghe, why) like some kind of dogs blood confession and it all points toward—
Toward the kind of thing he can't name if it's not given a name for him.
When he can drag his hands away from his face, when he can look down at that small screen and not want to laugh or cry, when his hands don't shake when he reaches out for it again, he can write a response. ]
No, it's not worth the risk. Have you asked this person to help? This kind of fear, do you think it's one you're suffering alone? Does this person understand what drives you, that you'd approach a stranger and hope that they have information to help lead to an answer that saves you both?
Many of us have our regrets and our griefs. With the time you have now... don't let it pass unremarked, too afraid of what might come after. Don't fight a battle on your own when you could be fighting it side by side with the one you say you can't be without.
[ And maybe it isn't him, somehow, for some reason, and Luo Binghe will embrace whatever it is he's found here, in his chance at a life without the weight of his heritage and the injustices of his world. Or maybe it is him, this Shen Qingqiu, and—and he'll figure it out then. Even as his heart stutters, too heavy, in his chest, and his stomach clenches and relaxes in alternating shivers of confusion and distress, there's one thing Shen Qingqiu does know, past the bleating objections of but he can't be bent, I'm not even bent, am I?
He's always cared about Luo Binghe, and he always will. Even if he wants to wring his pretty neck for dying on him, even if he'd love to shake it into Binghe's soul how it's not acceptable to do this, to die like this, to return to that state of lifelessness at any moment, it's because he cares.
Yet part of Luo Binghe probably believes Shen Qingqiu doesn't care at all, and that hurt, different from the earlier ones, all but steals his breath away.
(So does remembering all of Binghe's provocative claims earlier, delineating the difference between moonlacing's hollow desire compared to his own genuine desire, but he knows why that is, and also does not need or want to think about that. It's too much while he's still reeling with Binghe's return to life and to the series of revelations he's just had.) ]