prismatica | text; un: TheHollowKnight

[ ah, the hollow knight…

dextera really does sense a number of similarities between himself—or the person that he used to be—and this sad creature. there’s nothing for him to do except reach out, and offer some kind of guidance. ]

It took me a long time and many “selves” to figure it out.

I’ve decided to define myself by the meeting of what I was, what I am, and what I want to be. An ever-changing, but still constant “self.”

[ It recognized the username; it was nice to hear from Dextera. ]

That must have been confusing.
It is good you found a way to parse it.

[ Past, present, and a desire for the future. The Hollow Knight tried to consider those things in the context of itself, but it wasn't sure how it could go about doing so, especially without thinking of its Father, which was still too raw a loss to consider easily. ]

You are defined by your experience, and the things you want, then?
Please excuse this Vessel if such a conclusion is rude or incorrect.

It’s not rude, or incorrect. That is how I would define it.

There was a time when I only bore the desires of others. I had trouble ever feeling like I had an existence, in those days. That only changed when I learned to want things for myself.

[ The Hollow Knight read over the response several times. It was like looking into a mirror; the reflection was identical to the... to the thoughts it had been having. Its purpose had been to bear the desire of its Father and His noble cause. It wasn't to exist for itself. It had to succeed, else all its siblings, all Hallownest, all its Parents' sacrifices, would have suffered for nothing.

But could it learn to want for itself? Admitting, even privately, to the likes of Zenyatta or its sibling, that it had a self had been so terrifying. What if She came back? It would need to seal Her again, so its sibling could kill Her once more. If it could not contain Her, then Lunatia - maybe even Prismatica itself - would be beholden to Her will.

Its hands shook on the communicator. It made itself steady. ]

How did you learn such a thing?
And how did you admit to it?

[ dextera waits patiently for the response. he’s been there, after all, and he hadn’t even had a person to discuss his emptiness with. all of it, all of it had been in painful reflection to and by himself, and if he can spare someone else even a fraction of that suffering, he wants to.

more than almost anything else, he feels called to do this. he’s never seen someone so like him before—a vessel, learning to be someone. ]

I failed so many times in trying to fill the void inside of me. Eventually, I found the thing that sounded right. It was no one else’s suggestion but my own, and that was the critical moment.

Once I discovered that, I couldn’t let anything stop me from grasping it. When you find what you want, you should follow that desire. Even if it’s hard. Even if it hurts.

[ even if it hurts others. one small act of selfishness, for someone with no self, is the foundation of everything. ]

Well, because I see the world in a way no one else does. People can have similar opinions to me, and have similar views, but only I can experience the world the way I do and how I react to it.

My thoughts are mine and mine alone, no one else's. Other people may have my hobbies and we might like the same stuff, but how I experience all that is mine and mine alone.

I don't really know.
Truth be told I tend to think instead of who I want to be as opposed to who I am now.
Speaking in a more general sense people are constantly changing as they grow and go by their day to day life.
It's part of what makes it so difficult to talk about oneself in that capacity.

[Along with not really liking herself, but best not to bring up such a dour subject]

[Don't mind her. She's just watching this post with great curiosity.]

[It seems an insurmountable thing to the Hollow Knight. What sounded right was succeeding, containing the Radiance and letting Hallownest flourish. It had failed in that task, and now it was a moot point, as its sibling had fixed its mistake.

And as for what it wanted...

A Pale Face, the eyes sad and full of loving, beneath a crown of immaculate white.

Dead now.

An equally pale face, the eyes empty, yet driven and focused, beneath horns as like to its as near enough.

Its sibling, free from the abyss, fulfilled and happy.

Yes... it could accept... something, that wanted that one to be whole. ]

Your void is not the Void of this vessel and its sibling.
Ours is a different emptiness.
It makes personhood an alien thing.
It is good yours was different, and could be filled.
It is a pleasing thing to hear, Dextera.

So it is experience that shapes you?
Or more than that?
Please forgive any incorrect assumptions, this is an unknown topic to this vessel.

Your personhood is defined by your want?
By what you strive to be?

[ That is... kind of alarming to it, really. Had it by nature of wishing to be the Perfect Vessel tainted itself? ]

[ This is a question with an answer that comes very easily to him — and being an opportunity to talk about himself, he can hardly resist. ]

Naturellement, it's my brilliance and talent that makes me myself! Since it's something nobody else could ever adequately imitate, it's endemic to who I am.

Nobody could live the life I have lived without my exceptional and unique qualities. And without the life I've lived, I wouldn't be myself, non? So it's quite simple.

Are you looking for a way to define yourself? Or do you already have an opinion, and you're looking to compare?

I'm just me! made out of rubber and fun!

Mnn, well, yeah, I guess that's the case. You can have identical twins who act the same but who look at the world differently.

I mean, everyone and everything is so much more complicated than just one answer, ya know?

And hey, it's okay! You wanting to learn is important too!

[The question, Zenyatta hopes, represents some kind of progress for the Hollow Knight's own uniquely fraught perception of itself. In this instance, at least, Zenyatta does not have to think too long upon his answer; he has given it countless times before, to human and omnic alike.]

An interesting question, my friend. In the most basic sense "I" am the ever-evolving product of my experiences, memories and actions, as viewed through the lens of my uniquely coded processor.

If that were all, one could suggest that an individual built to my precise specifications and taken through a precise replica of my life would theoretically be the same person. But I also believe that there exists in all beings a certain spark of life- perfectly and ineffably unique- that plays the wildcard: the soul.

This Vessel must not have opinions.
Those are for people, and it was not made to be a person.

[Though subtle, it was a change from the outright denial that it was a person. Progress? ]

You say your personhood is a result of the things that have happened to you, and some inexplicable part of you that is different from others?
Please excuse any misunderstanding.

Interesting.
This Vessel and its sibling are made of Soul and Void.
Is it similar?

This was not known to it.
Thank you for enlightening it.
Such a question is difficult even for people made to be people... that is something that was not considered at all.

[Zenyatta's username caused an odd thrill of uncertainty and... excitement? To course through the Hollow Knight. He knew, and unlike Lobco who also did, he made no illusions that it was something the Hollow Knight was aware of. It was frightening, but also, in a small way... encouraging?

It still took a while for it to respond to him. In that time, it read over his message several times. The fact that he had been made, too -- crafted to a plan, to a specification from materials on hand, made it all the more interesting.]

Father made us from Soul.
Soul of Wyrm, Soul of Root.
Heart of Void.
It exists.

[But if it were taken from two and then used to make many, could it be so unique a thing?]

What is it about Soul that you believe makes a person?
This combination of experience, memory, choice, and process?

I would say it definitely is a part of it.
After all what a person wants and what they strive to be are an indication of what they value.
What they value defines part of who they are.
If they want to be a kinder person, that means they value kindness and that will reflect and influence other aspects of themselves.

[ dextera remembers the knight talking about the void, and the connection of all those siblings through it. he wonders what it really means, but it somehow sounds—if not more comforting, less painful than his own emptiness. that’s a selfish thought, however, so he keeps it to himself. there’s no sense in pitting their pains against one another, when what he wants is to be understanding.

the hollow knight has a burden unlike his, but that doesn’t mean it’s an impossible one. ]

Thank you.

What I can tell you is that I was once a doll that carried nothing but guilt. I had no memories, no voice, no “self” to speak of. Personhood was so far from me that I couldn’t even conceive of it as a goal.

Things have changed. I think it can for you, too, if that’s what you want.

Not at all! I'm glad I could help.

Oh yeah, I mean, I don't... look into it all that much, but I mean, there's lots of people who study and try to figure all that out. People are always wondering what makes us, well, us.

[What makes you, you... What separates 'you' from 'not you'? How can you be certain of your own experience?

Questions Atsushi has asked himself many times.]

It's difficult to say. I can define myself as a collection of my experiences and memory, but the way people perceive experience is flawed. My brain can be tricked into thinking something happened when it didn't, and I forget things all the time. I could say that I am my consciousness, but there are parts of my consciousness that I don't understand or have repressed. And that would imply that my subconscious isn't part of me, and that doesn't sound right either. If I define myself as my physical body, nearly all of that can be replaced without me becoming a different person. Not even considering things like surgery, nearly all of the cells in a human body will die and be replaced many times over a person's lifetime. If you figure it out, let me know.

Edited 2019-11-03 23:32 (UTC)

[ If that was what it wanted.

It didn't know. It had tried for so long not to be a person, not just because it had been told not to be one, but because it knew the price for being one. Striving to that goal had been so important. No mind to think, no will to break, no voice to cry suffering. And yet it had thought, thought so hard, about not being a person. It had willed, willed so hard, to be a perfect, empty shell. And when neither had worked and She had broke through with Her light, with Her love, it had cried out to the only one who could hear it.

The Hollow Knight lowered its head, and it answered truthfully. ]

It is too dizzying a prospect to consider fully.
Like looking over a vast precipice when one has only known a flat plain.
'Want' is such a daunting concept.
Was it so for you, also?
Or did you awaken, one day, and knew it had to be done?

It had always assumed you would just know.
That you don't...

[ Well, it puts a lot of things that Grimm and its sibling had said into a new perspective. ]]

This is a lot to mull over.

text; un: TheHollowKnight

(text - un: koriel)

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one day i'll write a tag where this character doesn't have a three paragraph existential crisis...

this is who it is!!!

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totally not here

it's true!!!

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text, un: strawhat

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surprise, bet you thought this would be a grimm tag un: tigerpoet

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