anonymous text post

[zunge]

what are your thoughts on pain?

anon or logged in - either's fine.

Comments

permanon

[restringing]

I don't know about physical pain
But emotional pain can't be described the right way in words
Just words aren't intense enough

It swallows you when you least expect it
The whole world goes black, and it hurts so bad that you want to scream and hope that changes something
But right when it feels like you'll never escape it, something might come along and lift you up again

It took me a long time to write this and it still doesn't feel right

MY HEART!!!

[huaisang]

This... this actually makes more sense than what I was thinking before.

LISTEN... LISTEN.

[restringing]

Does it?

It's confusing to describe
I don't know if I did it right
But I think it helps to talk about it

PLEASE BE GENTLE

[huaisang]

I don't know, I don't know, I really don't know about any of that. But what you said it made sense to me.

But when someone says 'pain' I just think of the physical first. Emotional pain did not... occur to me.

I don't know about you, but my heart is already in pieces.

[restringing]

It's the first thing I thought of
But I've never been in much physical pain
Maybe people who have been in accidents or have other injuries think about it differently

I'm glad though
I don't want anyone to relate to those feelings
But I'm glad they got across to you

sounds legit THIS ANIME WAS SO PAINFUL AND GOOD

[huaisang]

I don't know. To me... pain is physical, isn't it? I... I don't know but the way you talked about that hole. It feels more physical than not. I don't know...


Oh. I... I relate just. I don't know. This is hard to put into words, you're right about that.

[restringing]

Mmm... It can be physical too, I think
Even if there isn't an actual hole, it hurts if your heart feels empty

Sometimes your whole body is sluggish and heavy and it's hard to get out of bed
Or thinking about something upsetting can make your stomach feel sick
Your chest tightens and your eyes sting like you're about to cry

Things like that, maybe

[huaisang]

...Isn't that worse? At least if you break a leg or get stabbed it will heal but those ...
holes? I don't know.

They don't go away.

[restringing]

If you've been hurt badly enough they'll always be there
You'll always be reminded that they're there
Every single day

But it's okay to live with those holes
And find something else worth living for

[huaisang]

Something else? Anything else?

[restringing]

Yeah
Anything

I don't know if I'm an optimistic person
I don't think I am
But I want to be

It's not impossible to keep living
And start smiling again

[huaisang]

Oh.

I wonder about that. I don't know if it is.

[restringing]

Mmm...
Everyone's different
And I don't want to be overbearing
Because I know more than anyone how tiring it is to have people act like they understand when they don't know anything about you
But I think it's worth trying
One day at a time
And see what happens

I'm not good at this kind of thing
But it's easier to talk without my name attached
You don't have to hold anything back either

[huaisang]

I won't ask who you are, I... I think I'd rather not know if you're happier like this.

I think your words make sense but I don't know... I don't think I could do the same.

[restringing]

Why?
You don't have to be happy or expect that things will magically get better
You don't have to pretend you're okay

Even if you do nothing all day, just getting through to the next one is enough
Sometimes that's all you can do

[huaisang]

I have a lot of responsibilities, and I don't know anything and — and I do have to pretend as best as I can because — because I have to.

This might not make sense but when you're a sect leader, people depend on you and you have to pretend. You have to be smart and strong and wise like my brother and his sworn brothers.

permanon

[zunge]

...

What about it seems like reality has dimmed permanently and your screaming and pleading only fall on deaf ears. then it stretches on endlessly. even once you're used to it all you see are dark shadows around you that suck the potential joy out of anything fun.

"something might come along and lift you up again" sounds like you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

[restringing]

So you know that feeling too
Your descriptions are more vivid than mine
Dimmed... it's fitting
The shadows are there no matter which way you turn, whether your eyes are open or closed
And it feels like someone's stabbed a knife right through you but you can't scream

Mmm... well
At first I was sure that nothing would ever change
The darkness would go on forever and I'd the numbness would never go away
I'd resigned myself to that
But I was wrong.

The pain isn't ever going to go away completely
But something new could turn on a light in the dark, even if it sounds impossible
Half a year ago I wouldn't have believed that if someone told me

[zunge]

it's something I knew, but I didn't know what it classified as. I thought it was just the natural end result. so that is pain?

what kind of numbness?

[restringing]

Yeah
Just from the way you wrote it I can tell you've been in the same dark place
That's pain

Um... emotional numbness, I think
Things happen around you and you feel disconnected from it all
Like life is happening and you're just going through the motions
It's hard to care about anything and easier to close yourself off instead

I don't know how you feel
But if you're asking what others think
It means you haven't given up yet

[zunge]

hmph. gathering info is a separate beast. some things can't be changed.

[restringing]

Yeah...
I used to hate people who would say the stuff I'm saying now
So I shouldn't make assumptions either

But even if you don't want to change, the things around you might
Someone might come along and yank you out of that place
Or kick you further into it

Why are you gathering information?

[zunge]

I have my reasons. They are private.

[restringing]

Okay
Do you have any other questions?

[zunge]

I'll make do with what i have for now.