prismatica | text

[Sandalphon can understand, at least on some level. He had a single, driving focus for millennia, when he thought he had nothing. It's not so different, in some fashion. But he quickly decides he won't mention how he spent just as long living under the burden of how someone else deemed him worthless.

Some things, he's assuredly learned the hard way. And quite a lot of that, he'd made hard for himself]

I had a singular focus, for millennia. Even if it destroyed me, I didn't care, because that was all there was.

[All he'd held onto for two thousand years. But this isn't about him, and he shrugs the statement off without difficulty. The point is that he gets it, and that's all]

Someone who wants to understand you on your terms is better equipped to help you, because they won't impose. Or, if they do, they may see something in you that you're unable to contend with on your own.

[Like Lyria calling him out on not actually being a cold monster and just wanting ~~senpai to notice him~~ to matter to Lucifer. Those circumstances are unique, because she saw his memory, but his point stands.

The right people, right now, are ones who will try to steady Vanitas, not steer him]

Edited 2019-04-22 04:06 (UTC)

[ Oh how Vanitas could relate to that. Maybe not for such a long period of time, but he can certainly understand not caring if it destroyed him. Because without being complete what was the point? If he is going to continue to be in pain and spew out those gross monsters then why should he continue his existence? That's nearly the point that he had been at when he had been handed a defeat by Sora and Ventus.

He doesn't say much. Just stare at his coffee and also Sandalphon's. Chances are he doesn't need to say anything. His silence is probably telling enough. ]

See something in me? What do you mean.

[ Vanitas doesn't quite understand what Sandalphon is getting at. What could people see that he couldn't contend with? ]

[It may be something too abstract for Vanitas to understand right now. However, Sandalphon has already opened this door. There's nothing for it but to stroll right on through]

Sometimes, there may be people who see something about you more clearly than you can. And you may benefit from their perspective.

[That may be a long ways off for Vanitas, though]

More importantly, have you considered breaking down what you're experiencing into simpler terms?

[ Kind of what like Riku was doing on the network. For everyone to see - not that this really bothers Vanitas overly much. It is just kind of uncalled for. After all, Riku had pointed some things out and so had Kairi. Some of these things Vanitas already sort of knows about himself, but hearing it from someone else makes it even more real. Even if he wants to deny it. ]

What if I don't like what they're saying.

[ Or maybe that's a conversation for another day. Instead his head snaps back up to look at the bird across the table. Breaking down what he's experiencing into simpler terms? ]

Like focusing on one at a time? Or...

You don't have to like it. What I'd do with it would depend on the person, and how I evaluated what they had to say.

[Everyone has opinions. Hearing and considering them is one thing, but agreeing is another entirely.

But back to his point]

It may seem elementary, but perhaps begin with something easy. Identify what you like, or don't like, for instance. Or what you do and don't want. You've always had opinions, I'm sure.

[And from there, Vanitas can make associations with emotional responses, and it may help him parse his reactions. Sandalphon doesn't have firsthand experience with being new to this. He was always emotional, always grappled with it, and adored one person above all else.

None of that has really changed. But he thinks those connections might let Vanitas start to connect with his feelings, without drowning in a sea of new information]

[ In other words, not everyone's insights are going to or should matter to Vanitas. He's a little surprised to hear this. Van kind of had figured that he'd be told that all opinions and whatnot have value. At least this is what he expects from those bathed in light. ]

I don't know what I want. Not in the broad sense and not even in the long run.

[ Perhaps this is only one of the things Vanitas struggles the most with. The lack of a goal. The lack of vision. He doesn't know how to do short term goals and dreams. Now he doesn't even have a goal or dream. Nothing he wants to accomplish. Nothing beyond being complete, which he now is or is well on the way to becoming.

So he focuses on the other part. What he likes. What he doesn't like. Vanitas scowls into his cup, thinking really hard. Then a simple answer forms. ]

I like coffee.

[Sandalphon can imagine what it's like not to be sure of one's desires. He always had known what he wanted, but Primals were created to have a role and a purpose. It anchored them and directed their actions. Without one, he had felt both absence and loss. And he wonders if that is something Vanitas is feeling, in his own way.

He'd reached his objective, but now has nothing to pursue beyond it. In this moment, he thinks it better not to ask]

As you learn more of yourself, that may change. It did for me.

[But there's no denying that he looks pleased by this first stated like. Clearly, Vanitas is off to a good start. Perhaps at some later time, he can try different varieties and decide what he prefers. Like versus dislike will do for now]

Well, you have good taste then.

[ It really is a safe assumption. At the end of everything, Vanitas hadn't even thought that he'd ever get what he had desired. When Sora had promised to find a way here, Vanitas had been skeptical. Ventus being determined hadn't even brought back his drive. Yet here he is, struggling with having a heart that's slowly trying to heal and mend. It's what he's craved since being parted from Ventus in the first place. A goal that had consumed his entire being and had been the only reason that he had even struggled on to survive.

Now there's nothing. Nothing to push him forward other than understanding himself. That doesn't seem to be as strong of a motivating force. So he believes that maybe something is wrong. Something is missing even though he is meant to be whole. ]

I hope so. This really sucks.

[ But having something small to focus on, like food and drink. Colors and designs. Figuring out the small things like this first isn't a bad way to start things off. ]

It might be your influence.

It's troublesome, but not insurmountable.

[The same could be said of their entire situation. Dragged into a foreign world whose moons could alter their physical forms and behavior, with no answer as to how or why. That, in and of itself, is a lot to contend with. To add what Vanitas has explained on top of that must be nigh overwhelming.

His experiences aren't the same, but at least in some way, he can understand. And maybe that is something useful, as Vanitas finds his own direction, now that he's whole by his definition]

I suppose there must be worse influences out there.

[Still, coffee's a good start, all the same]

So I keep hearing. The phrase "it takes time" has been said so much that I think it will be bouncing around in my skull for the rest of eternity. I'm not stupid. I didn't think that I was going to master myself in a short time but I didn't think it'd be this much.

[ The nigh overwhelming part, that is. As Sandalphon is correct with that assessment. Vanitas has never had so much go on at once that requires his attention and patience. At least someone here seems to understand this instead of just think that he should be happy and content with the situation or that thing will get better.

Things never "get better" in Vanitas' experience. Situations have improved for a short time before turning on their heads. There's only mitigation. Maybe they don't understand that about him.

Anyway, the comment has his lips twitch. Something that wants to be an actual smile instead of a cruel grin. He just doesn't know how to even do that yet. ]

Probably. There are likely some better ones too. But this one might be a good balance between the two.

[ Someone that can actual speak to him in a way that he can comprehend, that is. ]

[He sees that twitch, but he knows from experience what it is to have trouble with self-expression in certain areas. By the same token, he knows what it's like when others call attention to if when he'd by far prefer that they not. So he notes it, but refrains from commenting]

There are absolutely better ones. [Lucifer comes to mind immediately, but he is the best in Sandalphon's terribly biased mind] But I may have to suffice.

[With that said, he pauses to collect a pen from the container at one end of their table. Nested among order slips, it must be intended for staff convenience, but Sandalphon's borrowing it anyway, jotting something down on an unused napkin.

It only takes a moment, after which he slides the napkin across the table for Vanitas]

That's where Lucifer and I are staying, should you have need to avoid anyone in the future.

[He's unsure just what compels him to offer. Perhaps it's the fact that they can relate, knowing what it is to feel lost and frustrated. Or maybe it's something else entirely. Who's to say?]

[ Feathers might have to suffice? Vanitas snorts at that. Someone might be hard on himself. Ironic that Vanitas shouldn't necessarily mind this guy. But then he watches the other curiously when a pen and a napkin comes into play. Vanitas does little at this point to hide his surprise when he's given the paper and told that he kind of unofficially has a place to stay to get away from things if he wants it. ]

Thanks...

[ Vanitas says this with an odd inflection in his voice. He's never really thanked anyone before. Not verbally. Not actually meaning it either. Thus he takes the napkin and tucks it into a pocket for future reference. ]

Lucifer won't mind?

[Hard on himself would be accurate]

On the contrary, I'm sure he'd enjoy the company. For much of his existence, his role was...isolating.

[Having been privy to a borrowed memory or two, likely by virtue of Lucifer passing on his power, Sandalphon believes he understands this much. He had always known Lucifer was meant to watch over the world almost entirely unseen by its inhabitants, but not that a certain perfunctory distance existed between him and those he worked with as well.

That realization is one that resonates with him still. For very different reasons, he's all too familiar with what it is to feel alone. He only wishes he'd realized it long ago]

I wouldn't recommend sneaking up on him [Because that's some powerful light he packs] but other than that.

It's not my fault half of the time people can't see me coming...

[ Though it really sort of is. Vanitas has made it a thing to be as quiet as possible when moving around. People shouldn't know that he is there unless he wants them to. By now, however, it is more a force of habit than anything he is actively trying to do. ]

What do you mean his role was isolating?

Well... [How to put it simply?] He was tasked with overseeing the evolution of our world. Further, his rank placed him above others.

[It's only due to certain memories bleeding into his awareness, after he inherited Lucifer's wings, that he understands this as he does. And even now, the thought of his own ignorance makes him frown at the table briefly, before he collects himself]

His duties demanded that he watch over the world from a distance. Those around him were his natural subordinates, as their own roles dictated.

[He doesn't include himself in this, because that too is something he now understands]

If he felt lonely why didn't he just find others to be around? People that weren't his subordinates, not that I get what difference that makes.

[ Because if you want people around you then just go and find people. ]

But you see...he stood above every other of our kind.

[No Primarch nor primal beast was his equal. It's fortunate then that Lucifer was possessed of a surpassing kindness his creator lacked]

Save for myself, anyway.

[Though it had taken him an incredibly long time to understand that Lucifer felt that way, when he'd long regarded himself as so fsr beneath him]

Edited 2019-05-23 04:20 (UTC)

Stood above how?

[ What made him so different than everyone else? Vanitas definitely doesn't understand the hierarchy of Sandalphon's world. Or species, which seems to be the case. ]

By design. The first, the strongest, and the one with the greatest authority...

[ Arguably, he's the most beautiful as well, but Sandalphon knows himself to be biased. ]

As Primals, we're made with an awareness of our connection to others. Thus, they naturally would sense him as their superior. Depending on the nature of our creation, it might be impossible to view the Supreme Primarch any other way.

[ Some with limiters were far more bound than himself, but all of them had a drive to adhere to roles and purposes. ]

When I inherited that role, others showed deference to me, however... My presence pales to his.

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