Sgt. Panty's Lonely Hearts Club ► AUDIO

[angelshot]

Y'know what? Cupid's an asshole and I'm a pro at this. So gather round, my clueless little nerd babies. I'm gonna learn ya how the schmoopy hearts and candies routine works.

[ Oh boy, here we go. Wherever she is, Panty shifts gears into a relatively convincing infomercial voice - artificially bubbly and utterly vapid, with that not-so-subtle wheedling note perfected by most used car salesmen. So very trustworthy. ]

Do you spend a lot of time being a sadsack at home? Are you single? Do you whack off and cry yourself to sleep every night? Does the idea of judging someone on all their life choices in 5 minutes get you all hot and bothered? Are you naive enough to believe in true love at first sight?

Of course you are. Allow me to introduce your new best friend:

~ SPEED DATING ~

Free of charge, obviously, because the entertainment value is priceless.
So the way I figure, what's the point of having everyone mope by themselves if it's more fun to lump 'em all together and have a massive party, right? All you gotta do is show up, fib a bit about your rocket scientist degree and how you won five gold medals in the olympics, trade numbers with some hotties, blah blah blah. You get the idea. Just checking for interest first and all that crap.

Probably gonna be pretty informal n' stuff. Indoors? Outdoors? Potluck? Lemme know what you're feelin' more. If someone wants to bring a munchies like a fruit plate and a chocolate fountain for fondue, go for it. I'm not allowed in a ten meter radius of one since the last "incident".




[ Edit: The LOG is now up! Have fun! ]

Comments

un: doctorize

[doctorize]

[Where do we even start with any of this...]

Dare I even ask what this "incident" was?

[angelshot]

Iunno. Something about "inappropriate use of bananas" or whatever. You make one harmless dick joke...

[ Translation: no, you don't want to know. ]

Look, people get all snooty when the fancy fountains come out. No big deal. Moving on. You coming to this dating shindig or not?

[doctorize]

[he really doesn't want to, so he starts making excuses--]

Ah, I don't know if I'll have time for it, depending on how busy work may be soon. It is certainly a nice offer for you to make, though.

[angelshot]

Jeez, you guys need to learn how to lighten up. Clench those buttcheeks any tighter and you'll start squeaking when you walk.

But your funeral I guess... so whatever.

[ Let's be real here - he's probably dodging a bullet by declining. ]

[doctorize]

[Probably yeah, as he winces at her choice of words here.]

I'm sorry about that. If I think of anyone that might benefit more than I will, though, I'll be sure to recommend that they attend this gathering of yours.

[angelshot]

Ha ha.... c'mon, you really mean "I'm gonna throw someone under the bus so I don't gotta go". Weak, babe.

But shit, I'm not your mom, sacrificial lamb it up if you want. Just make sure your replacement is cute.

[doctorize]

[To be fair... Danny absolutely is the type of person who will throw someone under a bus to save his own skin.]

I can try, but you know what they say about "the cute ones", right? Usually they're already taken.

[angelshot]

You must be real fun at parties.

[ Danny, why you gotta be such a WET BLANKET smh! ]

Send your cutest single friends. Better?

[doctorize]

For a certain definition of "better", sure.

[....... he has to be doing this on purpose now.]

un: forcecaptain

[hordezoned]

i don't get it.

[angelshot]

Great! You're exactly the kind of person this thing's supposed to be for.

It'll be a blast, you'll see.

[Voice] un: copycat

[plagiarisms]

[He is so very unsure about this.]

I don't think it's a good idea for people to lie about things if they're hoping to make a romantic connection.

[angelshot]

[ But it's such a great idea! Whatever could go wrong? 8) ]

And?

Listen, you wanna go tell a perfect 10 chick with the flawless rack that you're a busboy at the burger joint, go for it. Let me know how that turns out.

[plagiarisms]

[So many things. So very many things could go wrong.]

A little dishonesty might be fine if I was only looking for a hookup, but if I wanted to actually date someone, presumably she'd find out the truth eventually.

[angelshot]

No wonder you guys are so boring. Holy fuck.

[ Serious dating? Honesty? INTEGRITY? Gross. Who even does that anymore? ]

Guess you'll just have to settle for the crazy cat ladies and book club wallflowers, with that attitude. Sucks to be you.

[plagiarisms]

Fortunately, I have a much more interesting career than being a bus boy at a burger joint.

[angelshot]

Uh huh. Sure you do.
Just FYI, calling yourself an "aquatic ceramics technician" isn't gonna make "dishwasher bitch" sound any cooler than it actually is, so don't bother. Anyone with half a brain isn't gonna be fooled by that old trick.

So you gonna sit here and bullshit at me all day, or are you gonna show up to this thing? I'm a busy girl, you know.

[plagiarisms]

["Aquatic ceramics technician" does manage to get a laugh out of him.]

My career is professional hero. It's an actual job in my world, with a formal licensing procedure.

[Okay, so he's only got a provisional license at the moment, basically the equivalent to a learner's permit or an internship. But she doesn't need to know that.]

I'm considering it. Are you going to have snacks there?

[angelshot]

Professional hero. [ Ha ha WHAT. ] So running around in traffic with your boxers over your pants, huh. What a tough job.

You mean free food? Yeah. Enough to keep pulling people in, anyway.

[plagiarisms]

[Well, it's not like he expected her to say anything that wasn't snarky.]

I'll show up for free food.

[He is a teenager, after all.]

[angelshot]

Quality's pretty good for freebies, so that's a nice surprise. Might as well let your inner fatass roll wild and free while you've got the chance.

[plagiarisms]

Well, I am a growing boy. It would be foolish not to take advantage of such a generous offer.