prismatica | text; un: weiwuxian

[ oh that hurt more than he thought it would

way more than he thought it would ]

so what

everything you said about second chances just doesn’t matter anymore

is that it

where are you

it matters to people who deserve it. i've already had mine.

[because what else could his current life be? raised among the gentry in a household that cared for him beyond what propriety would've allowed, permitted to rise above his birthright rank to shameless heights - wei wuxian knows how got he's got it. he knows, keenly, how he's had more than life would've offered him otherwise.

let him have some time to come to terms with the fact that dying young and alone is the trade-off for all of it.]

i'm

what are you gonna do if i tell you where i am?

yeah, and during yours you saved my life twice so i think i have a better idea of its value than you!!

[ He assumes that’s what they’re talking about. Coming back as Mo Xuanyu. That has to be what he’s talking about, right? ]

i’m going to come there and illustrate how stupid this is

you don’t get to decide if you deserve it

i do

i’m the only one who gets to and i already decided that you do

Edited (Just fucking kill me) 2020-03-01 16:14 (UTC)

what are you even talking about

you know what

i'm at the lans' household

if you're coming here, bring tea

no alcohol allowed

are you kidding me you’re posting this from inside h
you know what
fine

i’ll bring the best tea

and loquats

[ Jin Ling should not make promises he doesn’t know how to complete. It takes him way too long and way too many fights with shop keepers to find the “best” tea, and then he can’t even find loquats anyway. So he brings oranges instead.

Once he bangs on the door and Wei Ying appears, he just thrusts both bags into his arms. ]

I’ll make up the loquats later!!

Edited 2020-03-01 16:23 (UTC)

Honestly, Jin Ling, why are you always yelling, does your throat not get tired?

[wei wuxian accepts the bags with more grace than he's currently feeling, though, and ushers the youth through the threshold with more care than he normally would. the lan household is very pristine, and wei wuxian still feels like a dark-colored blight to the order of things in the house - but he's doing his share of chores, even if lan zhan had made no sort of demand from him to that effect.

that being said, wei wuxian empties the bags in the kitchen, jin ling in tow, before dragging the both of them towards lan zhan's room, a couple oranges stuffed in a loose sleeve.]

Get comfy, [wei wuxian directs his nephew towards the low bed, as wei wuxian sets out scraps of paper to place orange peels on.] and don't look at me like that! You're acting like I'm spurning some suitor I don't even know about.

[these oranges are really good though. nom nom nom]

I'm not yelling! I have excellent natural projection!

[ He's yelling. Sorry Wei Wuxian. He does calm down a little bit as he gets led through the house, but he's been here before and he knows that you're leading him straight into Wangji's room, Wei Wuxian. He can feel himself flush from second hand embarrassment.

That's because you are!!, he wants to yell at him, but just like he wouldn't want Wangji to reveal things that he's said in their conversations, he doesn't want to reveal what he's taken from Wangji's words, either. Even if it infuriates him so much that he wants to shove them both.

He can be tactful about this. He can. His little uncle is tactful about everything, he just has to try to emulate that!! ]

I'm looking at you like this because you're making a fool of yourself.

[ Super duper tactful. Super duper. And he's gonna lean over and just take a piece of orange right out of Wei Wuxian's hands, because he can. ]

You don't ask about this kind of stuff on the network! It doesn't matter if you have potential suitors or not, you don't know whose feelings you could hurt!

No one's saying you don't deserve happiness but you don't have to put yourself like a cattle to market, either!

Who's putting all this stuff in your head, anyway?

[ Who dared to tell you that you died?? ]

[yeah, about that last one? you'll have to blame lan zhan for THAT piece of information, sweet child.]

It's been a very... [you know what he's going to eat a few more pieces of orange for this. they're really good, and he's trying to avoid some of the things this conversation is bound to run right over.] Overwhelming few days, Baby Jin.

I find out I have a nephew, who's lied to me since we first met. My brother is upset with me for moving out, and tells me that— that he kills me. Hilarious, right? He doesn't even believe those words, I know him, and Jiang Cheng can be so mean when he's upset. I do my best to not let it get to me, I really do, but— why would he say something so hurtful? Why tell me something so unbelievable?

Unless it's true. And it's true, isn't it, Jin Ling?

[wei wuxian peels another orange, winding the skin into careful, measured strips.]

I die, because somehow, though I don't know how, I'm responsible for your parents' death.

[the realization had been sitting there in wei wuxian's mind, a heavy stone that he's refused to look at closely, but it's the only explanation that makes sense. nothing else would force jiang cheng's hand to turn against him, not even wei wuxian's renouncement of the yunmeng jiang, because where they shared no blood they shared a deep love for jiang yanli. nothing else would haunt lan zhan, righteous and honorable, about wei wuxian dying so young, unless there was some sinful act that he could have prevented.

little else makes sense, much as wei wuxian turns the information he's given over and over in his head.]

Lan Zhan told me about my death. It's the first thing we talked about, when he arrived. He was angry, you know. Really angry. I still don't understand why... This whole thing about trying to keep me alive here, I don't know, maybe this is house arrest in disguise, but that's alright. Maybe this is better. Maybe if I stay here, then all of that won't happen. Jiang Cheng won't have to worry about me shaming his family's legacy anymore. Your parents don't die, and you grow up knowing what your parents are like. Everyone gets to be happy, and I live the life I was meant to live from the start.

I'm starting to find that I hurt people's feelings at every turn, anyway. Lan Zhan, Jiang Cheng, you, the list gets longer the more I learn about the truth. I'm the common factor, Jin Ling. Wouldn't it be the smart thing, then, to remove myself from the situation?

I'm just Wei Wuxian. At the end of the day, the cultivation world isn't for me. I have to build my own place in the world. And I will, alone if I have to. It'd just be nice to do that with someone else, that's all.

—Haha, that was a really long-winded way of saying I'm feeling lonely lately, wasn't it?

Edited 2020-03-01 17:20 (UTC)

[ It's been a very overwhelming few days. That's putting it mildly, Jin Ling thinks. He's spent more time crying this week than breathing, it feels like, and half of it has been over Wei Wuxian.

The fact that Wei Wuxian himself has been going through a similar journey is... honestly less surprising than maybe it should be. If Jin Ling's world keeps getting torn open, it makes sense that Wei Wuxian's is, too. Their destinies are intertwined, they always have been. Wei Wuxian, for better or worse, is responsible for the man than Jin Ling became. The circumstances all revolved around him.

He's mad. He trusted Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji - trusted them to hold the silence he was holding, to uphold the strange agreement that they'd come to. 'Protect Wei Wuxian' had been the guiding principle he'd been given almost since he got here, even when he wanted to do the complete opposite. Even when he wanted him hurt more than anyone here. And now that he'd finally come around - now that he finally agreed, finally had found a way to still the turmoil in his heart with an answer that he'd already known but couldn't put voice to - now they were breaking that trust?

Well maybe not now, in Wangji's case, but his Uncle--

His uncle didn't even know, until Jin Ling told him. This was a poison that he spread first, delivered indirectly. And he's furious. ]

You're so stupid. [ The words grind out of his throat, rough and thick, and he balls up his fists in his lap for several seconds.

Then he can't take it.

He grabs Wei Wuxian's arm far too tightly, knuckles white where they gripped his robes, and then he shook the man. ]

You're mad at me for lying when this is what happens when anyone says anything? [ He snapped, his voice raising pitch. ]

Uncle doesn't know anything! Hanguang-Jun doesn't know anything! They don't know about what comes after and they don't know that you're--

[ His face screws up, twisting horribly, but he won't let go. ]

If anyone is allowed to hate you, it's me! [ His voice cracks as he says it. ] And I tried. I tried to hate you, but it was too late, because you're not anything that anyone ever said you were. You're good and you're smart and you care about everyone and you're better than almost anyone out there and I know it and so does Hanguang-jun!

How could you be alone with him at your side?? Answer me that! Even if you don't see me you can't be enough of an idiot not to see him!

Uncle loves you so much that he nearly killed me for saying anything bad about you when I first got here! I know he can be mean sometimes but he only does that because he actually cares about you! Everyone here cares about you!

[ Ah, there it was. That familiar burning at the edge of his eyes, threatening tears. No. Not again. He hisses in a breath, furious with himself, furious with Wei Wuxian and furious with everyone else.

He'd told them, hadn't he?? He was going to change things, he was going to make them better, and instead--

Without any warning, he threw his arms around Wei Wuxian instead, and then buried his face into the man's shoulder. ]

You're innocent, I know you are, and I'm going to prove it but you can't give up, first. You can't. I won't let you.

— Ow! Ow, Jin Ling, and why does everyone call Lan Zhan Hanguang-Jun, when did he—

[the rest of it stops, stalls in wei wuxian's throat, because jin ling is hugging him, holding him, telling him he's innocent, and wei wuxian— he's struck silent. speechless. he's not much older than jin ling is, to count the years between them, and wei wuxian feels each of his young years so keenly now. this is his nephew. his nephew. his family, even if he doesn't truly deserve any claim to it.

unsure hands rise up to hold jin ling in turn, orange forgotten on the scratch paper nearby. hands pat gently at first, then grips tightly the next, refusing to let go as wei wuxian all but clings to jin ling.]

Can I tell you a secret?

[ His head doesn't raise, and if there are slightly damp spots on Wei Wuxian's robes where his face was pressed into the man's shoulder, don't blame him!

He clings back just as hard, but he doesn't look up. ]

You can tell me anything you want to, as long as you also tell me that you won't give up.

I'm not giving up, Baby Jin. I'll find my own road, somehow, but I'm not giving up.

[this is going to be the strangest, left-field swerve in the history of their conversations, wei wuxian's pretty sure. good thing that they're not facing each other, though! it sure is raining indoors today.]

I kissed Lan Zhan.

[ It's so far out of left field - and yet very very much what they were talking about in the beginning - that it actually takes Jin Ling a good few seconds to process what Wei Wuxian is telling him.

And then he just gives the most long suffering sigh a seventeen year old is capable of. ]

And then you go and post all that nonsense from his house?

You're so stupid.

[ It's not exactly the deepest revelation in the world to him, Wei Wuxian. Your moment on the steps was probably the most romantic thing he's ever seen and that was when he wanted to stab you.

Everything that Hanguang-jun has said to him since only solidified this idea. He doesn't understand it, exactly. But he can see it. ]

I told you, didn't I? That you had someone who would fight the whole world for you.

[ wei wuxian very slowly and very carefully moves jin ling to sit next to him on the floor, because wei wuxian's emotional intelligence for the day has been used up just now, and jin ling? if you have something to say, you're gonna have to spell it tf out. ]

Lan Zhan and I are friends. We're not like the other Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian.

I don't doubt you, alright? Lan Zhan suffered for my sake, and-- and I don't ever want that to happen to him ever again, not if I can help it. He's the most honorable person I've ever known, and there isn't anyone in the entire cultivation realm that can hold a candle to Lan Zhan's— everything, from his skills to his honor to his stupid good looks.

But when I kissed him, it wasn't because of anything romantic. We hurt each other. He said some hurtful truths, and I... I wanted to make him feel the same as I did.

[ wei wuxian draws his legs up, hugs his knees as he stares at the wrinkled bed. he'll have to fix that later. ]

I thought he was done with me. I can't deal with the idea that Lan Zhan might hate me, Jin Ling. But at the same time, I don't want him to feel like he owes me anything.

I want him to be happy. See him smile because of something I did.

Ugh, Jin Ling. Friendship is rough.

[ He sits on the floor because let's be real he isn't hard to maneuver, but he has a deep frown on his lips.

Ugh. How is he supposed to help with this? It's not like he knows anything. He's only just getting used to the concept of having friends at all. ]

I don't understand how you can kiss someone to make someone feel something and then also tell me it's nothing romantic in the same breath.

[ With a huff. ]

And I don't really see what being friends has to do with it. Of course you're friends. But you're not just --

Look.

I can't claim that I know anything about what goes on between you two, okay? I can only say what it looks like from the outside. And I'm not being metaphorical. The day I... The last day that I spent at home, before I came here, was the last day I saw you. It wasn't - it wasn't a good day, and it's not one I'm proud of, but I witnessed him stand beside you even when you told him not to. And I witnessed him face the entire rest of the world down, for you. And yeah. He even smiled about it. And so did you.

What does it matter if you're like the other ones or not? What does it matter if it's romantic or not or if you kiss or not or whatever else?

[ An embarrassed pause, a glance away. ]

I kiss my friends here, I don't think it's that big a deal. But I also wouldn't go posting something like this because I-- I don't know. I don't really know how they feel but I think it might hurt them anyway. If-- [ Nope, no names ] -- if one of them posted this, I think I'd be hurt. And I'm not even--

I'm not even somebody's everything.

He was angry at me, which made me feel hurt! I hadn't even done anything wrong!

...But I did in the end, anyway. My first kiss - and it was terrible! I didn't even get to feel anything nice or romantic about it. Friends should kiss friends because they want to, not because they're hurting and they want that feeling to go away. And Lan Zhan, he's too kind. He's good to me, more than he should be. That's why I'm sad I took a kiss from him. He deserves to kiss people he likes, people he can build a future with.

I would fight for him, too, Jin Ling. I'd cut down anyone who would insult his honor, I'd stand by him if it came down to choosing between him and the rest of the cultivation world - what would the world even have to hold against a man like Lan Zhan?

[thinking about lan zhan getting married... it hurts, for some reason. wei ying doesn't like it.]

I understand how you feel. That desire to be someone's someone - to have them look at you like the whole world revolves around you, like you're the anchor that steadies them against the tides of fate and time, to have someone who will wait for you and hold you like the most precious thing in the world — I get it.

I want that too.

But that's not who I am for Lan Zhan. We're just friends.

[ The fact that Jin Ling manages to get through this whole speech without smacking his uncle is a testament to his patience.

But there was never really much of that. The final conclusion just makes him snap - the idea that he can have someone so incredibly devoted and then take that for granted—

His face scrunches up, angrily, and then he puts his hand directly on Wei Wuxian’s face and pushes him. ]

You’re so stupid!! You’re not listening to a thing I’m telling you!!

[ He shoves his uncle’s shoulder, this time, with both hands. ]

Fine!! If you’re going to be stupid about it, I’ll take him! I’ll make him be my best friend and then maybe you can see how stupid you’re being!!

[ As if Wangji wouldn’t literally just hang him upside down by his toes for a week instead, but that’s just Jin Ling trying to rile Wei Ying up, not actual conviction. ]

How dare you!! How dare you say “just” about him for anything!!!

Edited 2020-03-07 19:39 (UTC)

—You can't do that! Jin Ling!

[there are a million things wei wuxian wants to say to point out how bad of an idea it is, but it just ends up with wei wuxian and jin ling having what is essentially a slap fight on the floor of lan zhan's room.

it goes on for maybe a minute.

okay, maybe two.]

Look, you just— He's— You're being stupid too! Lan Zhan isn't for the taking! He's not an object, he has feelings, and anyway, how am I the one being stupid here? I want him to be happy! And to be with who he wants to be with! Someone who understands him, who he doesn't have to explain himself to, someone who'll go the distance for him, and—

And.

[you know what.

he's just going to bite lin ling's hand.]

[ Later, when he isn’t so upset, maybe he will think fondly of just rolling around slapping Wei Wuxian. Maybe. Despite the subject matter, there’s a piece of him - his desperate for any affection self - that feels like maybe they’re bonding a little.

But then Wei Ying bites him. ]

OW!! [ He snatches his hand away lightning fast, glaring daggers at his traitorous uncle, before he just starts kicking out at him with his feet instead.

He doesn’t see the lightbulb turn on, he’s too mad. ]

I can do better than you have been!! I wouldn’t write that stupid post!!

[ His hand actually hurts and there is moisture in his eyes as he kicks uselessly. Ugh. Ugh!! ]

You’re so stupid! [ He says again, but his voice is starting to get thick. ]

Edited 2020-03-07 19:51 (UTC)

[wei wuxian is an expert at scuffles like this, so thank your purple uncle for what's coming next: he's going to lie right on top of you and go slack.]

Stop kicking your uncle!

Why are you angry about this, anyway? What are you seeing that I'm not?

How are you so heavy!! [ Though as he says it, suddenly all he can think about is the first time he saw his uncle - even though he didn’t know it was him. Of the talisman that pushed him down to the ground and held him there. He stops kicking, goes limp, turning his head to glare off to the side of the room rather than look at his uncle. ]

I told you what I see!!

You already are someone’s everything and here you are trying to - I don’t even know what you’re trying to do!! I don’t know why you try to deny it!

You have someone who cares about you that much and you’re just—

[ Ugh. Fuck. There were the angry tears. He blinked them back as quickly as he could, grimacing. ]

You’re just stupid. It drives me crazy.

[it makes him go quiet, seeing jin ling blink away tears over— what, wei wuxian's own stupidity? he's not worth crying over. he reaches out and wipes jin ling's eyes with his knuckles.

he rolls off his nephew a few moments after that, and stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to the universe. maybe it will, eventually, if he stares hard enough.]

I'm not denying anything. What I feel for Lan Zhan - it's deeper than anything I've ever felt for anyone else. I will never deny that. I've fought with Jiang Cheng over it enough times, and even though I hate it when we fight, I... I can't choose between Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan.

Even though I know it's the right choice, that it's what Jiang Cheng expects me to do... I know in my heart that if Lan Zhan asked me to run away and be rogue cultivators together, I'd do it. Maybe not right away, because I owe Jiang Cheng a lot of things, but when the time is right, I'll go. Roam the countryside, maybe plant some vegetables, live out a peaceful life.

That would be nice.

But if you care about someone, Jin Ling, you— You can't make decisions for them. You can't force them to stay. You ask them if they want to, and if you're lucky, they'll say yes.

What I'm trying to say is— Is that you have to be ready for the question. And I don't think either of us is ready, let alone know what the question's supposed to be.

Ah, I'm not making any sense, am I?

[ He doesn’t remember the last time someone wiped his eyes.

He wonders whether he would, if Wei Wuxian had gotten to be the uncle he was supposed to be.

He doesn’t move when Wei Ying rolls off him, just stares up at the ceiling at the same time, as if maybe it would do him a favour and just cave in and bury them both.

When his uncle speaks again, Jin Ling doesn’t interrupt. Doesn’t even say anything for a long time. ]

... you’re making sense.

[ He says it somewhat begrudgingly, but it does actually let some of that fierce anger in him relax, just hearing Wei Ying admit it. Even if he’s not doing anything about it, he’s admitting it.

There’s a longer pause, and then a low, rough: ]

But who said you have to choose? Things are different, here. You don’t have to-

Why would you have to give up your fa— [ He catches himself, corrects: ] why would you have to give up your brother, here? Things can be different. You can have all those nice things if you want them, and still come home. Or the two of you could live with us, it’s not like I hate vegetables.

[ Oh. He slipped up again. He sighed, closing his eyes. ]

Whatever, I don’t care what you do, as long as you’re not pretending that you want something else.

Edited 2020-03-07 20:41 (UTC)

[wei wuxian reaches out and pinches jin ling's cheek - not too hard, but not too gently either. it's an uncle pinch, one that's firm without being reprimanding.]

Because even though I like Lan Zhan and I love Jiang Cheng, you can't make two like each other for your sake. That's unfair on them both.

Your uncle... one day you'll understand why. Hopefully. I hope you don't, to be frank, but it's an important thing to understand.

[lan zhan has gusu lan to mind, just as jiang cheng must stand as the pillar and foundation of the yunmeng jiang. these are facts, unavoidable, irrefutable.

wei wuxian has to be the one to choose, and live with the choice he makes.]

You would hate how the Lans cook their vegetables, though. Because they don't.

Ow— [ A complaint less because it actually hurt so much as it dented his pride. ]

What’s that supposed to mean- why can’t you just tell me so I understand now!!

[ And then the slightest flush. ]

So? I don’t think their food is that bad. [ loquats... ] I’m getting used to the food here! I know nothing will live up to Lanling, but I’m used to it now!!

text; un: weiwuxian

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this whole tag is embarrassing i'm so sorry jin ling you'll get bitten next go around

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