video, un: nick74

[uncleasshole]

[The camera clicks on rather violently with a hushed "Shit!" as it nearly falls to the ground. The camera stabilizes after a few seconds as Nick props it up on a counter, brows furrowed in concentration until the angle hits just right. He's in his kitchen, and sitting on the counter is a collection of bowls and frying pans.]

Okay. Got to talking to someone about recipes from home. Figure I might as well do this, considering the assholes that live here already consider me an affront to God or whatever. I'm gonna show you guys how to make the worst thing to ever come out of New York state: a garbage plate. You ever wonder what would happen if you put all your barbecue cookout leftovers on the same plate and smothered it in chili meat sauce, ketchup, and mustard? Cause that's what it is. Great if you're drunk.

[You might think this is a joke, but the expression on Nick's face is dead serious. Watch in horror as he loads up a plate with an abomination - macaroni salad, fried potatoes, and a cheeseburger patty layered underneath what looks like chili and onions. He talks as he works - to his credit, everything he's using looks homemade.]

None of that fancy shit on top, either, 'cause if you're going to eat a garbage plate, there's no point trying to pretend you have dignity. If you don't use regular, shitty yellow mustard, you missed the point. You can throw some hot sauce on there too if you want - Frank's RedHot is the best, but they don't have that here, so just... make do. Trick to the chili is to grind it up and add cinnamon.

[He holds up the finished product.]

Only rules to eating a garbage plate are to make it as nasty as possible and don't eat the whole thing in one go, 'cause it'll literally kill you. Cut it up, mix it together, grab some bread to soak up the grease, and you're all set.

[Someone stop this menace - no, too late. He takes a bite, savoring it for just a moment before muttering "Hell yeah" under his breath. He has the audacity to look pleased with himself.]

God, I haven't had one of these in years. Oh - name's Nick, by the way. You're welcome. Eat responsibly. I don't take criticism.

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[uncleasshole]

Yep.

[Nick takes another bite, twirling his for idly between his fingers. That's about the reaction he expected and he's smiling about it.]

Used to be called, uh... 'Hots and Potatoes', I think. Eventually, they gave up on basic human decency.

[affectueux]

[ serge needs him to stop eating it. ]

Ahaha… ah… [ he feels faint. ] I suppose my next question is: why?

[uncleasshole]

Why not?

[Nick sets down the fork, thankfully. It's a temporary solace.]

Probably just a way to use up leftover food, I'd guess. That and we'll put ketchup on anything we think is edible.

[affectueux]

Then make a stew! You don’t need to do this.

[ the poor, innocent food. ]

There are so many other sauces besides ketchup, as well… and the color of that mustard is despicable. [ he exhales. ] Don’t you want something that actually tastes good?

[uncleasshole]

See, that's the crazy thing, sport. It does taste good. It looks like shit, sure, but it's better than you'd think.

[affectueux]

[ “sport”… ]

Forgive me if I don’t believe you. Being told that it will, um, “literally kill” me is not appetizing.

[uncleasshole]

It's a figure of speech. It won't actually kill you. Unless you poison it or something, I guess.

[He steals another bite of pasta salad.]

[affectueux]

All right.

[ he sounds like he’s about to start a speech. ]

Are those… is it… [ he can’t even get through the question. ] Is it really a recipe? I should start there. Were your ingredients assembled with this as the end goal?

[uncleasshole]

Don't hurt yourself thinkin' too hard, kid.

I dunno, they probably just wanted a way to get rid of leftovers. You go to a barbecue, you pile enough food on a plate it all mixes together, right? Just cutting out the middle man.