002. text. un: orchid

[inheritedpain]

[ Jin Ling is trying to get better at this anonymity thing, which is why he chose a username that he knows no one who knew him would think he chose. ]

okay so
beyond moonlacing or whatever because we all have to do that and it doesn’t always mean anything

how many of you have someone or someones that you love, here

like real love or the closest thing you’ve felt to it anyway


and if you do are they from your home or are they from other worlds



and if they’re from other worlds
how are you going to

what are you going to do when one of you leaves

Comments

[inheritedpain]

It's-- [ Ugh. His plan backfired. Now he has to explain the name. ] I chose it because I hate it. I didn't want anyone to know it was me. It's from my courtesy name. Rulan. It means Orchid-like. It's stupid. Anyway.

I know I did, but I guess--

I don't know I wasn't thinking ahead. [ He hopes neither Sizhui or Harry see this, now...

He let out a breath. ]

I don't want to live with regrets either, but...



Yuri, I already disappeared on you once.

[onerous]

Rulan... [She echoes the name, then repeats it a couple more times before making a soft ‘hmm’ noise.] I like it though, I don’t think it’s stupid at all. It sort of matches with my name, actually. ‘Yuri’ means ‘evening jasmine.’

[She’s pretty pleased about that, actually. It’s cute that their names kinda match!

He continues though and she falls quiet a moment.] You did. But you came back. You didn’t remember me or anything though, and... it hurt. It did. I wasn’t sure if I should try for anything again or not... I thought maybe it might be better if I just stayed away entirely.

But... then I decided... It hurt even more to stay away. And at first I thought I was just being selfish, but then I thought if I’d already loved and lost and survived, I could survive it again, that I was strong enough to. Denying myself a chance to be happy after I realized that just felt... stupid.

[inheritedpain]

Yeah but you’re a girl, though!! You’re supposed to have a pretty name! [ He huffs a little but he lets the silence lapse as she does.

He’s glad he isn’t on video when she continues, because when she uses the words loved and lost he’s pretty sure the pained expression on his face is a particularly dumb one. His heart twists painfully at the same time that a sort of desperate longing grips him.

And a horrible blush.

He decides not to point out that she used the word love. She was probably just using it for the other Jin Ling anyway. Not him. Probably. Right? ]

I just don’t want to hurt you. By being here or by not being here!! Losing people is— why would I want to put anyone through that!

[onerous]

Being close to people and forming connections means that you can’t avoid getting hurt or hurting others in return. All you can do is... I guess all you can do is make sure you work through it, and to trust that you or the others can survive it.

If you don’t want to hurt or be hurt... Then... Stop talking to me. [It’s harsh, she knows, and her own heart twists painfully at the idea.] Delete my number, throw away anything that reminds you of me and never talk to me again. Sizhui too. And any of your other friends.

[She pauses a moment to let that all sink in and then continues:] ...And even the thought of it hurts, doesn’t it? Hurt is unavoidable either way. But I’d rather... I’d rather be hurt and still be by your side, then for you to pull away by your own choice because you think it’ll be better for me in the end.

[inheritedpain]

That’s not— I’m not going to!! [ The objection is immediate, and then he clicks his tongue as he realizes how he sounds. Idiot. He sighs. ]

I’m not going anywhere, Yuri, I just..

[ He wilts a little. ]

I was talkin to Sizhui the other day and it just- it got me thinking, I guess.

I really don’t want to go home to a world without you guys.

[onerous]

[There’s a soft giggle at his immediate outburst, but she sounds pleased about it anyhow.]

Hmm... I know it’s easy to just say ‘don’t think about it,’ but... [She’s not sure what to say to help. The thoughts are going to be there, so she figures all she can do is help chase them away when she can.]

...I would rather be with you guys too. [Yuri pauses a moment] Do you want to meet up? Maybe a hug or something will help.

[inheritedpain]

[ He lets out a hard breath. Everyone has been telling him not to worry about it and focus on the now, but how is he supposed to do that?? ]

... yeah. Okay. If you want.

[onerous]

[There’s a soft giggle and then, without a hint of shame:] I always want you, Jin Ling.

[inheritedpain]

[ Just flushing deep fucking red and looking THE OTHER WAY. ]

... how can you guys just say things like that without even...

[ He mutters it but it trails off, and despite the embarrassment, someone who knew him well enough to be able to see the pleasure beneath the tsundere. ]

Where should I meet you?

[onerous]

It’s easier because it’s you. [She says it like she’s confessing something.] You’re comfortable, so I don’t worry as much about if what I’m saying is embarrassing. I trust you like that.

[Where, though...]

There’s a nice cafe that has cats that’s pretty nice. I haven’t really been to it though. We can go there, unless you want somewhere more private. [She’s not sure if their deep conversation is going to go on and how much of that Jin Ling wants public.

Though she supposes this post is public-ish enough so really, how much more could a verbal conversation in a cafe be?]

[inheritedpain]

Cats?

[ He sounds a little confused, and then he glances down at Fairy. ]

... Sure, we can... try that. I'd better leave Fairy here, though. She'd behave but that doesn't mean they would.

[ A pause. ]

Or you can come here, if you want.