text; un: ems

[unhappy]

I'm sick of trying to feel better about everything and being kind and showing everyone oh look moonblessed are harmless teehee let's just

be angry

anon is fine

come tell me who or what makes you angry, get it out there

[ Emerald is not anon, but she doesn't mind if any characters are. Unless otherwise stated, please assume she is not responding anonymously. She doesn't know how to cope with feelings of loss, so this is the best and most productive thing she could think of to try to get it out without wanting to punch everyone she speaks to in the face like she has for the past couple of weeks. So please, vent with her and be angry. ]

Comments

[queenofminiskirts]

chains are fine too.

you'll know them when you see them.

let's just say i've had some bad experiences...and some good ones too.

[As in, a string of adults who were afraid of her were her guardians culminating in a woman that slapped a shock collar on her when she was nine.]

i can't tell if you mean you don't mind them or you don't get angry about them.

[unhappy]

bad people don't look like bad people like 4/5 times
there's no way i know unless they confess to it

for pervs, it's fine as long as they keep it to themselves. like there are some people i know stare at my butt, but as long as they don't touch or annoy me about it, i don't feel the need to break their fingers. so.. both?

[queenofminiskirts]

not if you know what to look for. i mean. sometimes it can be hard to tell, but there are a lot of little things to look for. generally, people who are already predisposed to hate you because of what you are have a way of looking at you and acting around you that gives it away.

[She's been living with this sort of crap since she was four. After twelves years you learn a thing or two about the things people don't say, the prejudices they think they don't act on because they don't become terrorists or throw things at you. But they do. They do it in the way they flinch when she got mad, in the way they refused to touch Shiho's hand, in the way they accuse them of cheating because they have powers even though they didn't, the way they smile and say, sorry our school won't be accepting you and then don't give a real reason why even though everyone knows why.

The assholes that fall into that 1/5 are easy. You can just beat them up and be done with it. But that other 4/5...those are the ones that you have to pick your battles.]

not that you should beat up everyone who acts like that. that'd be a disaster. and sometimes they're not bad people? just ignorant or afraid.

not that that's an excuse.

but you're being really reasonable about all this so i'm sure anyone you decided to beat up would have deserved it.

ah, that's true. after all, a shut in who buys body pillows of girls in sexy poses is different from someone like tanizaki!

[unhappy]

you don't need to hate someone to do something horrible to them, and people who don't hate are way less obvious

[ Emerald herself is a different kind of criminal. She never did anything that she did because she hated anyone, but because she loved someone- because more than anything, Emerald wanted a family, and there was only one person who ever offered it to her, and the cost of that was becoming a monster too. Maybe that's why no one ever saw her for what she was at Beacon, even though she was the one who interacted with the other teams.

She's known others to do those things out of self-preservation, vengeance with no concern for casualties, for power, because they've never known anything else, or simply because murder is their passion. They've all done things they can't take back. She's sure there are a hundred other reasons that aren't so easy to see. ]

i get the feeling the people i want to "string up" are more the type to use people's emotions to get what they want and then throw them away like they're nothing.

i'm pretty sure my bf buys body pillows tbh
but he's totally harmless, i'm pretty sure i'm the only 3d gf he's ever had
idk who tanizaki is though but i'll kick him in the balls for you if he's a creep

Sorry for the tldr

[queenofminiskirts]

yeah. i guess everything happening lately with this whole discrimination mess just reminded me of that specific sort of people.

[And god, you should meet her friend Yuuri (not that you can but details). There's a lot of familiar baggage here with doing awful things for someone who said they loved you.]

but it's true that even for those people, sometimes they're just motivated by fear or something else. the reasons can be really complicated.

[Also, amen to that.]

ugh. people like that are awful.

but even those people were sometimes treated like that before. not that it excuses it, because using someone like that is unforgiveable.

but when you think about it, it's a little sad, isn't it? people aren't meant to be alone. we all want to love and be loved in return. but for those people who don't know how to love someone else, for those people who only know how to use people...in the end, won't they end up alone? because no one can live with that sort of twisted love and whether by their own hand or because the person they used realizes this, they'll always walk alone.

those who can only resent and sneer at others, those people who only know how to use and hate them...if someone had truly loved them and taught them when they were at their most vulnerable, maybe they also could have escaped that cycle.

[.....whoops. Maybe she said too much...but she can't help it! She's seen so much of this and seen how it hurts people!]

at least. that's what i think anyway...wow, sorry for all that! we were supposed to be helping you let off steam here!

body pillows are pretty tame as far as these things go. good for him for getting himself such an amazing sounding gf!

and tanizaki's never bothered me. he's only ever bothered naomi-chan and she can kick his ass herself. and then she got him transferred to the arctic anyway.

[.......though recent events have created new problems but those aren't actually Tanizaki's fault.]

[unhappy]

That's kind of an obnoxious attitude. What gives you the right to treat people like they deserve your pity because they haven't had the same life experiences as you?
Love doesn't just solve everything and there are plenty of people who love and don't make things easier. You can love someone and still be a terrible person. You can love someone and still hate and cause pain. Love doesn't solve all your problems and it sure as hell doesn't overcome anything.
People who don't have it sure as hell don't deserve to be pitied by some naive brat. Love doesn't make you a kind person and every person who's cruel isn't automatically devoid of it.

[ Emerald doesn't respond to the rest. She's kind of done at this point. She hates idealistic views like that, that completely ignore that the world is more complex than 'love feel good make decisions easy, bad people don't have it.' It conflicts with the reality Emerald has set up for herself, that she is loved at that is what has made it worth doing everything she has because without everything she's done, she'd still be alone and dying in a gutter somewhere. And with having just lost Akashi- who was both her and Chihiro's boyfriend, and the person who was basically guiding her life to something other than constant pain and destruction, she's extra raw right now. There's a good chance she won't respond again after this. ]

[queenofminiskirts]

[It probably says a lot about the person that she is that she reads this and doesn't actually feel angry or defensive.

A lot of what's said is true, after all.

Her mom had loved her, but she had let a woman put a shock collar on Kaoru and her friends because she'd let herself be convinced it was for the best. Yuuri had loved her father and because of it she'd destroyed the lives of many people. Hyoubu had loved and the Pandra kids and yet left them feeling insecure and abandoned. And Yuuri's father had loved his wife and it was that love turned lost that turned into hatred in the end. And certainly, the man who had written those books about how espers were the newest threat to human kind and called them monsters had done it out of love for his family and fear for their future.

And yet...love had saved Yuuri. Love had saved them when Minamoto had taken their hands and then never let go even when they did everything they could to make him hate them. For her, she could see the person she could have been if Minamoto hadn't found them..she could see it in the people that had been the most cruel to her growing up. And yeah, maybe that did colour her views, she'll freely admit to that.

But to explain any of this would require revealing things that really shouldn't be revealed in public and to someone she doesn't even know, really.]

well, you're not wrong about any of that.

except for the part about me being a brat, i guess. i'm too old to be called something like that.

[Kaoru you're sixteen you are not too old to be called a brat.

...also she very sincerely hopes she hasn't made your day worse. And if she doesn't get a response she'll just shrug and move on.]