prismatica | VIDEO | UN: SINISTRA

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VIDEO | UN: SINISTRA

[ It's late and Sinistra appears to be sitting outside, likely in front of his residence, barely lit by his comm device's screen. His shirt is off and there's a hint of pink on the peaks of his shoulders and the length of his nose. He hasn't mastered the art of sunscreen yet and he's no good with the heat. There has probably been a great effort by the people that know him to convince him his shirt has to stay on despite his sweating.

He is picking at the flaking skin on his nose, frowning as he speaks. He keeps his voice low. He doesn't really want the Archangel coming out and bugging him right now though he knows he's going to get some snidey response from him in the morning for this. That's how they work, isn't it? ]

If your body has been changed or if your body is 'newly given' to you in this world... how are you coping? When you have to generate chroma with others - however that may be - do you feel... disconnected from them, in some way? Do you feel you are being touched, or do you feel displaced from that touch? Does it feel foreign or is it a comfort?

[ His hand moves from his nose, thankfully, to rest against his own throat as he shuts his eyes. ]

How 'connected' do you feel to someone by holding their hand... or by being embraced... or even by fighting them? Does it feel 'real' or does it feel... strange? Dreamlike?

I am trying to gauge... what is normal... and if what I feel is strange. If this absent feeling is another form of sickness in me.

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( huh... he did have a time under the sun heat. sinistra will find a forehead filled with locks of hair and a pair of eyes that look directly at him, not measuring how to show himself properly at the camera (who doesn't). )

You were given a body in this world? Are you a spiritual being?

I... suppose I would qualify for that. In a way.

( he tries to make himself visible. )

I arrived recently so I've yet to experience how to get Chroma that way.

As for the connection, it is... something you cannot describe most of the time. You can only feel it.

Sometimes, that 'feeling' is at an arms length from me. Sometimes, it is too far too reach. And sometimes, it is unbearably close. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It is... frustrating.

You don't like close contact? Or being social?

It's what we call 'emotion'.

I am not used to it. I have not been able to speak to other people for... years now.

I see...

It's alright. Even humans spend their whole lives without contact with others, sometimes without the physical.

What you feel is what humans feel as well.

Ah... they do? I would think otherwise. That is... lonely.

It is?

It is, yes. Humans are social creatures but there are some exceptions.

Yes. Emotions can be quite difficult to handle sometimes.

I have not had the opportunity to be... social? Until now.

Yes... they are. Very.

Then this is a great chance! ( enthusiasm is everything, sinistra my dear! )

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks so!

Is it?

They are too big sometimes... suffocating. I do not like them sometimes.

[ He was given his body just before getting here, but he's not going to divulge that on the Network. That said, these questions speak to his own insecurities enough for him to respond. ]

it takes some getting used to. it's easier with people you're closest to.

i wouldn't say it's a disconnect. more like it's just weird.

Mm... there is only one person that I am close to.

Ah... 'weird'. [ He nods his head, expression somber but calm. ] Weird makes sense to me.

i don't have that many people either. a lot of them have already left.

do you feel the way you described with that person too/

Mm. So people can be lost here, too.

... Sometimes. We are two separate people now. We used to be one, in some ways. I think that... maybe, I fear us absorbing each other again and losing 'me' and 'you', ending up being seen as a singular being once more. So connection is complicated.

they're not lost. they went back.

[ He needs to believe that. There can't be an alternative. ]

i get that actually.

[ Probably in a way most people never would. How many other people were once sharing a heart with someone else? ]

has that ever happened to anyone else before/ becoming one again/

'Went back'. To home? Did they really?

I am not sure... I know both of us have tried. With God and those that are borne of her. We are still our own selves, though.

that's what everyone says. it makes the most sense.

[ Where else would they go? ]

[ There's that reference to God again. Religion really is important to a lot of people here. Though this is the first he's encountered someone who talks as if he knows God personally. Borne of her? Like her child? ]

you should remain yourselves here too then.

[ He has, after all. ]

hey, is your god the same as the person people here talk about worshipping/

It does.

I believe so too... though a part of me longs to return to that body. We should stay ourselves. Otherwise, we might go crazy.

Maybe for some, but not for others. I do not know if God as I know her exists in other worlds.

why do you want to go back/

what's your god like/

I enjoy my individuality. It is important that we are both our own people. Still... I miss my heart. I miss being connected. It is lonely to sleep on my own. I am still not used to it.

She is beautiful and her voice is melodic... and she was kind. Before she went mad, she was a comfort to me. But unfortunately now she is suffering.

yeah, i can understand that. it's weird feeling that loneliness after so long. but the connection's still there, if you look for it.

what happened to her/

[ dextera wonders if he should even respond to his brother. this is something unique to sinistra, after all—it’s always been dextera’s body. even when they were one, that’s how the doctors saw them. his brother had been a kind of parasite on his system. ironic, then, that he would so thoroughly come to rely on both his brother and the bugs inside him.

he chooses to merely respond with a mild kind of support, knowing that there’s nothing he can say that won’t come off condescending, or worse, pitying. ]

I think… what you feel is normal.

Do you think? I never feel like I know what should be normal. I feel like I inhabit this form, as I did your body, instead of it being my own.

[ it’s not a surprise to hear it, but it is sad. ]

Is it painful to exist that way?

... It is. Somewhat. I do not feel 'whole'.

[ i have never felt whole, dextera wants to say. in his mind, it sounds like an accusation, and that makes him feel sick and guilty. it isn’t his brother’s fault—it is dextera’s. ]

I wonder if anyone truly is.

Perhaps not... still, I do not like it...

[ at least that is something dextera can understand, and it’s easier to respond to than the strange animosity that still dwells within him. he nods. ]

…it’s living that is painful. [ yet, he doesn’t sound burdened by this. ] But it’s wonderful, too. I think you’ll figure out one day if what you feel is an absence, or if it is simply you.

[ He makes a small, surprised sound, then a hum of acknowledgement. ]

You have learned many things, it seems. I... I hope that I can, too.

Alienation, jamais vu, there are words for these things because humans also feel them at times. That perception of distance could be a matter of your body and your senses.

But sometimes the knowledge that none of this was meant for you is enough.

So there are words for it after all... but the idea that this whole existence, this whole state of being should not 'be' for me anymore. That much, then, is enough?

I just wonder how to relegate that feeling. To overcome it and feel settled in this form.

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