prismatica | text

[Xehanort. A name he hasn't heard, but the language applied to him brings the Astrals to mind. Perhaps that's simply experience talking. He sets the thought aside]

You remain separate, it seems...

[Whatever process was involved, it seems that must be the cause of Vanitas' current state. He gestures to the counter to bring more coffee, but he knows the service here by now; it won't be instantaneous]

What makes you whole, then?

[ Vanitas nods. He frowns, feeling the familiar hot sting at the corners of his eyes. What is it THIS time? ]

Yeah, there's no way we can become one now. Ventus never wanted it, even when I did. Someone else filled in the space I left behind. Gradually, over the course of time, his heart healed. Now there's no space for me to fit into anymore.

[ But they are still connected all the same. Vantias always knows where Ventus is. Knows what he feels, sometimes. His eyes flicker to the gesture for more coffee. He probably doesn't need more than this, but like hell Vanitas is going to turn down more. Just to take his mind off things. ]

He and someone else are binding their heart to mine until it also heals. Though in the process some of Ventus' light transferred to me and to him, some of my darkness.

[This heart business really is nonsense. Good thing they're agreed on that. Sandalphon takes a sip of his own coffee, taking in the explanation. From what Vanitas is telling him...]

This light, then... Is that what's giving you difficulties?

[Although Vanitas is clearly a being of elemental darkness, it seems to be something beyond that. If darkness is bound to negativity, is like the opposite, wherever he hails from?

A strange notion for a being wrought of light who caused the Cataclysm]

A little. Ventus might have cultivated some darkness on his own, but I likely never cultivated any light in return.

[ As every full heart is comprised of both light and darkness. Sora has a bit even as bright as he is. Chances are that Ventus now has some of his own that's not remotely tied to Vanitas. A strange thought for him to have and he doesn't know how to feel about that.

He rubs at the corners of his eyes, frowning. Seems like there are waterworks for every little thing he feels that isn't "negative." Could it be the result of repressing them all this time? ]

It's the emotions. I don't know what half of them are and there are too many and I can't get rid of them. I know how to expel my negative ones but I don't know what to do with any of the others.

[Expel them... Those little creatures, he imagines]

They're difficult, because they're not rational.

[Sandalphon opens his mouth to continue, but a barista sweeps by with a fresh cup, setting it down in front of Vanitas. He waves if off when she reaches for his cup. It'll take him a good while to finish, at this rate.

Once she hurries away, it's back to the matter at hand]

What you do with them is a matter of who you are. I don't think I'd do you any favors with platitudes about time. I'm ancient, and I still have difficulties.

[He doesn't know if it will do Vanitas any good to have someone empathize, but it has to be better than pretty words]

[ Vanitas watches the girl come and go with only a little bit of wariness. He still doesn't really like being around a crowd or around a bunch of people. Right now it's a little worse than normal because he doesn't feel as put together and in control as he normally is. And he perceives that as people seeing him at his worst. his weakest. ]

They're not. None of them make sense to me.

[ But it makes sense that it doesn't. Even that old man Xigbar said that Vanitas has no frame of reference for these emotions. Nothing to associate them with to make heads or tails of them.

Though from what it sounds like, he's not the only one that struggles with how to deal with them. Maybe Sandalphon doesn't think he's being helpful, but Vanitas breathes out. How he handles these things is a characteristic of who he is. So how he deals with them is a piece of the puzzle in figuring out who Vanitas is now. Now that he has the freedom to find out, that is. ]

I thought those losers might just be trying to give me a false sense of hope.

In one respect, I'd agree with that assessment.

[He pauses to sip his coffee again, and to shoot a sharp look at someone who seems to be hovering just within earshot. Once that nuisance has cleared out, he sets his cup back down on its saucer with a faint clink]

In my experience, optimists believe what they say. [Vanitas knows the type. Protagonists and all that] There are emotions worth experiencing, and they become a part of how you define yourself. But no other can determine how or what you decide is of value to you.

[And as one of a race of beings bound by purpose, and tormented for so long by the emptiness of not having one, he considers it wrong to set terms for a vital part of another's existence]

From experience...those who try first to understand you are worth having around.

[ Vanitas gives a little smirk beneath his cup as Sandalphon shoots that glare at someone. Better someone else than Van. He might also enjoy the way that the person realizes they were caught and quickly tries to hide their face as they go, clearly intimidated.

And as Van gives another look back over to the weird angel thing across from him? Yeah he supposes that there is reason to be intimidated. A little. ]

Some do. [ Because Vanitas definitely knows the type that the guy is referring to. ] For others I wonder if it's a conditioned response.

[ Yet he grows quiet again as the other continues to speak. Others can't define him. He can only define himself. That pretty much goes against everything he's ever known to be true. He sits there and glares as he takes another drink, clearly struggling with the concept. ]

The only thing of value to me was to become complete again. There was nothing else.

[ So this lack of having anything of value to him is also making everything just too much for him to deal with on top of everything else. Maybe Xigbar had been right: Vanitas really has too much thrown at him all at once to handle it in a graceful and healthy manner. Not that he would know what that is. ]

...There's at least one person who says he wants to try to understand me.

[Sandalphon can understand, at least on some level. He had a single, driving focus for millennia, when he thought he had nothing. It's not so different, in some fashion. But he quickly decides he won't mention how he spent just as long living under the burden of how someone else deemed him worthless.

Some things, he's assuredly learned the hard way. And quite a lot of that, he'd made hard for himself]

I had a singular focus, for millennia. Even if it destroyed me, I didn't care, because that was all there was.

[All he'd held onto for two thousand years. But this isn't about him, and he shrugs the statement off without difficulty. The point is that he gets it, and that's all]

Someone who wants to understand you on your terms is better equipped to help you, because they won't impose. Or, if they do, they may see something in you that you're unable to contend with on your own.

[Like Lyria calling him out on not actually being a cold monster and just wanting ~~senpai to notice him~~ to matter to Lucifer. Those circumstances are unique, because she saw his memory, but his point stands.

The right people, right now, are ones who will try to steady Vanitas, not steer him]

Edited 2019-04-22 04:06 (UTC)

[ Oh how Vanitas could relate to that. Maybe not for such a long period of time, but he can certainly understand not caring if it destroyed him. Because without being complete what was the point? If he is going to continue to be in pain and spew out those gross monsters then why should he continue his existence? That's nearly the point that he had been at when he had been handed a defeat by Sora and Ventus.

He doesn't say much. Just stare at his coffee and also Sandalphon's. Chances are he doesn't need to say anything. His silence is probably telling enough. ]

See something in me? What do you mean.

[ Vanitas doesn't quite understand what Sandalphon is getting at. What could people see that he couldn't contend with? ]

[It may be something too abstract for Vanitas to understand right now. However, Sandalphon has already opened this door. There's nothing for it but to stroll right on through]

Sometimes, there may be people who see something about you more clearly than you can. And you may benefit from their perspective.

[That may be a long ways off for Vanitas, though]

More importantly, have you considered breaking down what you're experiencing into simpler terms?

[ Kind of what like Riku was doing on the network. For everyone to see - not that this really bothers Vanitas overly much. It is just kind of uncalled for. After all, Riku had pointed some things out and so had Kairi. Some of these things Vanitas already sort of knows about himself, but hearing it from someone else makes it even more real. Even if he wants to deny it. ]

What if I don't like what they're saying.

[ Or maybe that's a conversation for another day. Instead his head snaps back up to look at the bird across the table. Breaking down what he's experiencing into simpler terms? ]

Like focusing on one at a time? Or...

You don't have to like it. What I'd do with it would depend on the person, and how I evaluated what they had to say.

[Everyone has opinions. Hearing and considering them is one thing, but agreeing is another entirely.

But back to his point]

It may seem elementary, but perhaps begin with something easy. Identify what you like, or don't like, for instance. Or what you do and don't want. You've always had opinions, I'm sure.

[And from there, Vanitas can make associations with emotional responses, and it may help him parse his reactions. Sandalphon doesn't have firsthand experience with being new to this. He was always emotional, always grappled with it, and adored one person above all else.

None of that has really changed. But he thinks those connections might let Vanitas start to connect with his feelings, without drowning in a sea of new information]

[ In other words, not everyone's insights are going to or should matter to Vanitas. He's a little surprised to hear this. Van kind of had figured that he'd be told that all opinions and whatnot have value. At least this is what he expects from those bathed in light. ]

I don't know what I want. Not in the broad sense and not even in the long run.

[ Perhaps this is only one of the things Vanitas struggles the most with. The lack of a goal. The lack of vision. He doesn't know how to do short term goals and dreams. Now he doesn't even have a goal or dream. Nothing he wants to accomplish. Nothing beyond being complete, which he now is or is well on the way to becoming.

So he focuses on the other part. What he likes. What he doesn't like. Vanitas scowls into his cup, thinking really hard. Then a simple answer forms. ]

I like coffee.

[Sandalphon can imagine what it's like not to be sure of one's desires. He always had known what he wanted, but Primals were created to have a role and a purpose. It anchored them and directed their actions. Without one, he had felt both absence and loss. And he wonders if that is something Vanitas is feeling, in his own way.

He'd reached his objective, but now has nothing to pursue beyond it. In this moment, he thinks it better not to ask]

As you learn more of yourself, that may change. It did for me.

[But there's no denying that he looks pleased by this first stated like. Clearly, Vanitas is off to a good start. Perhaps at some later time, he can try different varieties and decide what he prefers. Like versus dislike will do for now]

Well, you have good taste then.

[ It really is a safe assumption. At the end of everything, Vanitas hadn't even thought that he'd ever get what he had desired. When Sora had promised to find a way here, Vanitas had been skeptical. Ventus being determined hadn't even brought back his drive. Yet here he is, struggling with having a heart that's slowly trying to heal and mend. It's what he's craved since being parted from Ventus in the first place. A goal that had consumed his entire being and had been the only reason that he had even struggled on to survive.

Now there's nothing. Nothing to push him forward other than understanding himself. That doesn't seem to be as strong of a motivating force. So he believes that maybe something is wrong. Something is missing even though he is meant to be whole. ]

I hope so. This really sucks.

[ But having something small to focus on, like food and drink. Colors and designs. Figuring out the small things like this first isn't a bad way to start things off. ]

It might be your influence.

It's troublesome, but not insurmountable.

[The same could be said of their entire situation. Dragged into a foreign world whose moons could alter their physical forms and behavior, with no answer as to how or why. That, in and of itself, is a lot to contend with. To add what Vanitas has explained on top of that must be nigh overwhelming.

His experiences aren't the same, but at least in some way, he can understand. And maybe that is something useful, as Vanitas finds his own direction, now that he's whole by his definition]

I suppose there must be worse influences out there.

[Still, coffee's a good start, all the same]

So I keep hearing. The phrase "it takes time" has been said so much that I think it will be bouncing around in my skull for the rest of eternity. I'm not stupid. I didn't think that I was going to master myself in a short time but I didn't think it'd be this much.

[ The nigh overwhelming part, that is. As Sandalphon is correct with that assessment. Vanitas has never had so much go on at once that requires his attention and patience. At least someone here seems to understand this instead of just think that he should be happy and content with the situation or that thing will get better.

Things never "get better" in Vanitas' experience. Situations have improved for a short time before turning on their heads. There's only mitigation. Maybe they don't understand that about him.

Anyway, the comment has his lips twitch. Something that wants to be an actual smile instead of a cruel grin. He just doesn't know how to even do that yet. ]

Probably. There are likely some better ones too. But this one might be a good balance between the two.

[ Someone that can actual speak to him in a way that he can comprehend, that is. ]

[He sees that twitch, but he knows from experience what it is to have trouble with self-expression in certain areas. By the same token, he knows what it's like when others call attention to if when he'd by far prefer that they not. So he notes it, but refrains from commenting]

There are absolutely better ones. [Lucifer comes to mind immediately, but he is the best in Sandalphon's terribly biased mind] But I may have to suffice.

[With that said, he pauses to collect a pen from the container at one end of their table. Nested among order slips, it must be intended for staff convenience, but Sandalphon's borrowing it anyway, jotting something down on an unused napkin.

It only takes a moment, after which he slides the napkin across the table for Vanitas]

That's where Lucifer and I are staying, should you have need to avoid anyone in the future.

[He's unsure just what compels him to offer. Perhaps it's the fact that they can relate, knowing what it is to feel lost and frustrated. Or maybe it's something else entirely. Who's to say?]

[ Feathers might have to suffice? Vanitas snorts at that. Someone might be hard on himself. Ironic that Vanitas shouldn't necessarily mind this guy. But then he watches the other curiously when a pen and a napkin comes into play. Vanitas does little at this point to hide his surprise when he's given the paper and told that he kind of unofficially has a place to stay to get away from things if he wants it. ]

Thanks...

[ Vanitas says this with an odd inflection in his voice. He's never really thanked anyone before. Not verbally. Not actually meaning it either. Thus he takes the napkin and tucks it into a pocket for future reference. ]

Lucifer won't mind?

[Hard on himself would be accurate]

On the contrary, I'm sure he'd enjoy the company. For much of his existence, his role was...isolating.

[Having been privy to a borrowed memory or two, likely by virtue of Lucifer passing on his power, Sandalphon believes he understands this much. He had always known Lucifer was meant to watch over the world almost entirely unseen by its inhabitants, but not that a certain perfunctory distance existed between him and those he worked with as well.

That realization is one that resonates with him still. For very different reasons, he's all too familiar with what it is to feel alone. He only wishes he'd realized it long ago]

I wouldn't recommend sneaking up on him [Because that's some powerful light he packs] but other than that.

It's not my fault half of the time people can't see me coming...

[ Though it really sort of is. Vanitas has made it a thing to be as quiet as possible when moving around. People shouldn't know that he is there unless he wants them to. By now, however, it is more a force of habit than anything he is actively trying to do. ]

What do you mean his role was isolating?

Well... [How to put it simply?] He was tasked with overseeing the evolution of our world. Further, his rank placed him above others.

[It's only due to certain memories bleeding into his awareness, after he inherited Lucifer's wings, that he understands this as he does. And even now, the thought of his own ignorance makes him frown at the table briefly, before he collects himself]

His duties demanded that he watch over the world from a distance. Those around him were his natural subordinates, as their own roles dictated.

[He doesn't include himself in this, because that too is something he now understands]

If he felt lonely why didn't he just find others to be around? People that weren't his subordinates, not that I get what difference that makes.

[ Because if you want people around you then just go and find people. ]

But you see...he stood above every other of our kind.

[No Primarch nor primal beast was his equal. It's fortunate then that Lucifer was possessed of a surpassing kindness his creator lacked]

Save for myself, anyway.

[Though it had taken him an incredibly long time to understand that Lucifer felt that way, when he'd long regarded himself as so fsr beneath him]

Edited 2019-05-23 04:20 (UTC)

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