prismatica | text; un: xiaoxingchen

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text; un: xiaoxingchen

[ xiao xingchen is not someone who feels the urge to ask questions often. not of others, and even less so of strangers. for this, however, he'll make an exception, even if the words are hard to parse. ]

I have been thinking
The people that we are in this place, the people we become —
Is there a chance in this world for those who are destined to commit evil?
Or is it futile to expect that anything will change when we return to our worlds?

And if it is futile then... does anything we do here matter?

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[ He tsks loudly, turning his head as he sets his hands on his hips. Why would -- Whatever. He's not thinking about it. ]

They don't know everything. [ Blunt. Crisp. ] The ones from the other world. Wei Wuxian told me something that didn't even turn out to be true, where I'm from. And I don't know if that's because he didn't know, or he was lying to me, or if it happened completely differently there. My point is - my point is, the person that would know best is me.

[ He snapped his attention back to Xiao Xingchen.

Did he know Xue Yang was here? And A-Qing? Yes. ... Yes he did.

Whatever, he knew more than them for sure!!! ]

And I say you don't need to know! So what difference does it make?

[ he smiles, a faint but genuine one.

he wants to believe it, but he still feels as if his soul is bruised, the way his eyes are now dark and haunted. how he folds his hands on his lap, afraid to touch. ]

Now that I know, I cannot... stop knowing. What matter is, if you knew you were going to cause evil, would you stop yourself before doing it? Could you?

[ could I? ]

And who said you caused evil? Huh? Huh?

[ He stepped up to Xingchen, crossing his arms over his chest, still gripping his sword in one hand. ]

You think having horrible things happen to you - you think someone tricking you, making you believe something that isn't real so you'd hurt someone else - you think that's evil?

I say - [ he jerks back, not afraid of jin ling but trying to avoid getting close. xiao xingchen blinks at the surety with which jin ling speaks. ]

I think harming others is wrong, penance should be made but killing innocent people - that is evil.

You're not evil! [ He snapped it way too loud, and a couple birds nearby abruptly took flight. He grimaced, a little, catching his tongue in his mouth.

Count. Count, Jin Ling, until your thoughts are your own again.

He swallowed and clenched his fists. ]

You're not evil. And I don't believe that Song Daozhang would say you were, either! You can't--

All that-- It didn't even happen yet! You aren't even there! You aren't that person and you don't have to be that person, while you're here, and even then! Even then you weren't evil! Okay? You think I would cry over something that--

[ He abruptly cut off. Stupid!! He hated Yi City and every stupid person there!!! He hissed. ]

Whatever.

This place isn't home. Why do we have to make the same mistakes we did there?

Song Daozhang is too forgiving of me and my wrongdoings to him. [ he means this sincerely, even as he is still poised to flee at the sound of further raised voices. he's not afraid of confrontation normally but right now he feels like glass.

the slightest touch will leave a mark. ]

Forgive me, I do not know how to live with the future I now know. I - I have no wish of making the mistakes of there here, either.

[ Unfortunately for Xingchen, Jin Ling is a bit like a bull in a china shop, and he huffs out a hard breath even as he steps closer. ]

You don't have to ask my forgiveness!

And there are - there are terrible things that happen, but you don't want them to, right? You don't take pride in it? You don't revel in it! Terrible things happen to everyone but it's not like you're taking joy in other people's suffering or stomping all over them!

You're making me so mad! None of it was your fault and you just - you -- none of it was your fault!! It isn't fair!! You of all people should get to be happy here, and if anyone disagrees with that, they can fight me!!

I killed my soulmate, Master Jin. Or I will and I do not know which of these two is more terrible a truth to live with. To wake up each day and know that his suffering and death were caused by me. That the fault does lie with me no matter what words he tries to tell me out of comfort.

[ he looks down, at jin ling's chest, unable to meet his anger, right as he is in his words.

it was not fair. ]

I was happy, and I was blind. What would you do?

And I stabbed my uncle! [ The words come out in an angry rush. ] You were tricked and so was I!!

Of course I would rather know the truth! Of course I would! And I’m glad I do, now!

But you at least have the excuse that you didn’t know! How were you supposed to not do it, huh? How were you supposed to hold back? You trusted your friends and you trusted your sword and—there was no way you could have known!

I don’t have that excuse! I knew what I was doing I was just too stupid!!

[ his uncle? isn't that - ] Sect leader Jiang?! [ ... shhh.

facing with jin ling's anger and turmoil helps settle his own. the words from others, the experiences. and yet, it is sad that he will not be the first nor the last to be tricked into committing evil in the world. across all worlds. he swallows.

then slowly reaches to touch jin ling on the upper arm. hesitant and light: ]

No. Neither could you have known. If you trust the wrong person, if they misguide you... maybe, maybe they should be blamed mostly.

[ maybe he should be angry at xue yang, to lay blame at him. and yet he finds that anger won't come, he's too broken for it. ]

No! No, my - his brother. My other uncle. Wei Wuxian.

[ He grimaces and looks off to the side, wilting a little under the touch. Calming a little. ]

... Of course it's their fault. [ He doesn't sound entirely sure of that. ] I should have seen it, though. I had more chance than you did. But I still couldn't see it. So if you blame yourself, what does that make me?

You stabbed my nephew? [ there is something surprised about that revelation but then, aren't they all closely entwined in this place? that his nephew is here, and that so is jin ling's family and xue yang and - he wonders if there is an element of connection that makes this world choose the individuals it does.

he pauses to consider jin ling's words. ]

It is far easier to absolve you of that wrongdoing than myself of mine. You were manipulated by someone you loved, you are not responsible for that action but -

I assume you have apologised to him, right?

Your— [ That got a furrowed, confused look from him. He hadn’t actually known that piece of information. But he stopped himself from saying so and stiffened, glaring at the ground. ]

... no. Not really. He doesn’t remember it. He doesn’t even remember me from back home, so what’s the point?

But I don’t see what’s so different. You were manipulated too.

[ it is a small cultivation world out there! ]

I believe it matters, even if you do not apologise directly since he does not remember it. To do small gestures of kindness, to make amends. There is always a point to doing these things.

Yes. [ pause ] But I should have known better, I should -

[ so many 'should's and 'didn't's; xiao xingchen stops himself, falling silent to stare at jin ling. ]

Thank you. [ sincere. ] Young master Jin. I will keep your advice close to my heart, for I cannot deny the soundness of your words. It is making my heart believe them that is another matter.

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