text; un: xiaoxingchen

[mingyues]

[ xiao xingchen is not someone who feels the urge to ask questions often. not of others, and even less so of strangers. for this, however, he'll make an exception, even if the words are hard to parse. ]

I have been thinking
The people that we are in this place, the people we become —
Is there a chance in this world for those who are destined to commit evil?
Or is it futile to expect that anything will change when we return to our worlds?

And if it is futile then... does anything we do here matter?

Comments

[menaces]

[ ...that transparent, huh? ]

i never had anything before
i dont know what enough is
i know its more than i deserve
thats all i know

[mingyues]

But that won't stop you from trying to get everything until it is enough
Right?

[ it is not a condemnation, just a question; enough or not enough — xiao xingchen had always been quietly content, neither satisfied nor disatisfied. he had been - he had been in an suspended state where he had been blind and wanted for nothing, but now he knows.

there is... a void, an opening, a wound.

without the clarify of his aspirations and song lan's steady guidance, xiao xingchen stumbles. falters, he knows he will fail in future and wonders if he should give up now or fight.

more than he deserves - but handed them their karma? ]

I want to be enough

[menaces]

no
i just want you to stop hurting
i want to stop hurting you
that's all i want

[ the hunger in xue yang is gone. the lost little boy in him has been mourned, has been buried, has been exorcised from his heart.

when he was young, he wanted to be saved. when he grew older, he just wanted to be stopped. when he first came here, he wanted to be saved again.

now he knows he could only ever be stopped. ]

you're not someone who can be measured in enough or not enough
xiao xingchen
you are everything

1/2

[mingyues]

You haven't done anything wrong
Everything you have done in this world is an attempt to protect me.


I just wanted to protect you in return, save you. You and A-Qing. The people here. Zichen.

2/2

[mingyues]

[ you are everything.

oh.
those words feel like a blow; tender and vicious and utterly xue yang in their nature. he —]

For you?

[menaces]

yeah
from the start
you taught me how to forgive
how to let go
how to

[ love ]

private

[mingyues]

[ some things are best kept in private; he can recognise the vulnerability of the other in sharing these words and xiao xingchen is concerned for him. always, always ready to put everything aside for xue yang, for the nameless stranger. ]

Everything you have done for me here has been out of love? I thought


I thought it was gratitude.

oh yeah private setting is a thing he's fine everything is fine

[menaces]

i don't know
i'm not right, xiao xingchen
i don't feel things right
do things right
it's not gratitude
i just didn't want to lose you again
or hurt you again
that's all

PRIVATE FOREVER

[mingyues]

[ there is an unfamiliar spark of anger,]

Don't say that about yourself
You're trying. You are doing better.
I know you are, even if I can't believe in myself or trust myself or see hope in the future I can still see you.
I cannot deny the truth of your actions here.
What birthed those actions is good. To not want to hurt or lose me.
That

To want the happiness of another person, regardless of what it might cost you - is that not love?

[menaces]

do you feel loved when you're with me

[mingyues]

[ the answer could be complicated; it should be. what kind of person is so blind to as to plunge headfirst into their enemies arms—

but, maybe the answer does not need to be complicated.]

Yes. Since I arrived here, always.

[menaces]

can you really call this love?

[ it's not that he doesn't think it's love, he just isn't sure he can trust himself to be capable. if his poor imitation could ever be enough, could ever be worthy of xiao xingchen. ]

[mingyues]

Unless you have any strong objections over the word, yes, I really can.