prismatica | text, username: letsgetlecterous

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text, username: letsgetlecterous

[ For the most part, this seems to be a fan account for Lecter owned by a native prismal. There are gifsets. There are edits of videos. There are a few explicit Lecter/Reader fanfics. Not great timing. ]

It must be fucked up to die for someone, and then they just end up here. Fucking around. Doing nothing in particular.

You give everything so they can live and then that's all they do. Just live. They don't make the world better. They don't even want to do anything interesting. They're not even nice.

They probably didn't even mourn you.

Ungrateful bitch. Hope they were worth it.

[ If it wasn't clear, this isn't Trish's phone. She's stolen someone else's for better anonymity. It'll show up dumped somewhere in a few days, and the original owner will delete this post when they find it. ]

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this isn't vague or anything

you got some problems you need to vent out or something

[ Wait shit did she get caught

no. It's probably fine. Just coincidence. And if she responds to other people but not to Abbaccio then it actually will look suspicious. So time to dig herself in deeper. ]

I'm just saying.

If you have one person who's willing to go out to keep other people alive and another who wouldn't lift a finger for anyone else.

You're better off keeping the first one and letting the second one get what's coming to them.

that's not how that works at all but thanks for the input

people will always make their own choices
whether it's dying for you or whatever
even if you wish they didn't

i've been in that corner of "gee wish you hadn't, i'm a worthless piece of shit, why did you bother"
and even to this day i'm trying to accept that it wasn't up to me
that he saw something worthwhile even if i can't always tell

it was his choice
though i guess i got lucky enough to find out what he thought of me after so long

[ Oh. ]

It's stupid. I never asked anyone to protect me.

[ It's hard to tell over text, but there's a softening of tone. All that sanguis anger, even turned inward as it is, mellows out just a little. She didn't know. It didn't occur to her that he'd be in the same place. ]

How do you do anything?

How do you do anything at all without having to stop to think how many people died so you could do it? And then suddenly it doesn't seem worth it. Nothing does.

sometimes it's awful
and makes you feel hollow
less of a person
and you don't do anything with it
and you feel worse
but it's not always about what we ask but what we need

i didn't do anything for a long time
nothing worthwhile
i scraped by enough money for wine and got as shitfaced as i could so i didn't have to feel anything
but there was this guy that thought i could do better i guess
so he hired me on
sometimes i still think he made a mistake but these days i try to think about what it is these people saw in me
even if i can't see it myself

The funny thing is, I don't think they saw anything in me. Just something to protect. And I don't know if I'm pissed at them for not seeing more or pissed at myself for not being more or

or maybe I'm scared. That one day everyone's going to figure out I was never worth it.

guess that's hard to say
are you able to ask?

guess you either decide if you're gonna change something about yourself
or accept that what's happened happened

One of them, yeah. I could ask one of them. There were a lot. Some who chose it. Civilians who just got caught up in it.

One of them had a kid. Never spoke to him, but I know people who work with him.

Another had a mother. I met her once. Just before I came here.

look
if you're this fucked up about it
go talk to the person
if they were fine dying for you then they should be fine explaining themselves

It's me. Trish. This whole thing seemed like a way better idea like
half an hour ago.

I might have forgotten that if people are assholes on the internet you just show up to join in.

I don't know if it's better or worse but it's not you I'm fucked up over.

nah
why would it be

it's bruno. probably narancia too.
anybody else im forgetting?

No offense meant, of course. Just, you know. You didn't choose shit. And if you did, you'd have chosen it for Bucciarati.

It's Mr. Pericolo, more than anyone. Who the fuck does that? Just up and puts a bullet in their head because someone told them it'll make some shitty kid just a little safer? It pisses me off.

i believed in him
i still do
family was important to him and he couldn't turn a blind eye what the boss did to you and would have done

it may have had less to do with you and more about how loyal he was to passione. to the boss
im not saying he chose right or whatever
and it was fucked up for sure.

If you're going to weigh the value of people's lives based on their worth to the world, then that's on you for not being a better judge of character.

What the fuck do you suggest I judge them by, then? Because if people are going around dying for other people there's clearly some people-math going on there.

Life, and self-sacrifice, isn't a zero-sum game. You help as many innocent lives as you can, and you hope your sacrifices aren't in vain, but you shouldn't - or really, can't - demand anything in return.

There are people whom I've helped that have turned on me, stabbed me in the back, and still I don't regret helping them. It was still the right thing to do.

What's it like, being able to think like that?

I know that sounds like an asshole fake question. But I mean it.

It'd freak me the fuck out, knowing I'm going around giving people chances to hurt me all the time/

I can tell you meant it genuinely.

I don't blindly trust people, but if there are those who need my help, I'm going to offer it. Sometimes those people are scared, sometimes that fear makes them irrational, sometimes I fail to make sure they feel safe and secure, and they'll lash out and bite the hand that fed them. But I don't begrudge them that.

...okay weird question. And you don't have to answer. I'm just.
You sound like someone I knew. And I never understood him, and I want to understand.

It sounds like you think of yourself as different from the people you're saving.

[Hah. Wow. No one's ever called out Lio that hard before.]

Maybe.

I don't think I'm inherently different - nothing sets me apart from any of the people I'm helping. I'd just rather be in the position of being the sacrifice, if sacrifices have to be made.

Hah. Maybe that's why it pisses me off so much.

Maybe I'm just mad that they're the one who got to choose who gets to be the sacrifice, and I don't get a chance to argue with it.

... You were talking about someone sacrificing themselves for you.

I'm sorry. I misunderstood.

I understand your anger, now.

I'll be honest, I've lost track of who I'm pissed at. It was myself, and then it was them, and then it was the whole concept of sacrifice. It's Sanguis, I'm pissed at a lot of things.

Sanguis or not, you have a right to be angry.

I was angry, when two of my friends sacrificed themselves to save my life. It's only by no few small miracles that they didn't get themselves killed doing it. If they'd died, I don't think I could have ever forgiven myself.

I don't think I'd ever been so angry in my life as I was then.

That's all I'd want them to do. Live whatever life they were able to. It's more than they would have had if I hadn't.

But if you're the kind of person who protects people, it's less than you'd have done.

There's less good people in the world. And more shitty, selfish ones. That's not a good result.

It doesn't matter if they're good or selfish or anything else. What matters is the good that I did. I was able to help someone else.

There shouldn't be a condition put on saving a life.

But it's not saving a life if you die for it. It's just trading one for another.

Why would you decide they're worth more than you?

Why should my life be worth more than theirs?

What a sad thing to say...

It's true, though. Imagine taking a bullet for someone and then you find out they just ran off to sexy space land to do sexy space things. You'd be pissed, right?

I don't know. I think, if I died saving someone's life, I'd be happy that they're still alive. No more or less.

But there has to be more.

If you died saving them, there has to be a reason for it, right? That you'd decide they're more important than you. And that the people who love them are more important than the people who love you.

I actually don't think there is always a reason for a lot of what we do.

Sometimes it's just doing what feels right.

I mean.

I'm not going to pretend that you're not objectively right. People don't think a whole lore before doing things. I certainly didn't think things through before being a disaster on the internet.

But dying feels like it should be different. It feels like there ought to be a reason for it.

Everyone dies someday, some sooner than others.
I've had to think about death a lot, and when you do you realize it can just happen at any time, and there just isn't going to be a reason for it. But, if you're trying to save someone's life, then I guess the reason is that you died to protect them.

Sorry if I'm not making much sense. It's just...there are more reasons for wanting someone to live than there are for dying.

That's what people do. They blithely enjoy the futures others created, giving not a thought to what was destroyed to give the world the shape they take for granted.

And it is well. Saving someone with the expectation that they take up the burden of greatness is both a cruelty and a self-deception. The burden isn't so easily passed on, nor is it the responsibility of any particular person to bear it.

So if someone dies for you, it's okay to just spend your life doing nothing?

That's bullshit. How could anyone do that, living each day knowing that someone died so they could lose at videogames or say mean things on the internet or any other stupid, useless thing?

Imagine going to the fridge and getting a yogurt and remembering that someone died so you could have yogurt. Yogurt isn't worth that.

Imagine being a mediocre knave who just wants to eat some yogurt and then not only do you have bad enough luck to almost die, the person who actually does die spends their dying breath telling you that you have to do whatever they would have wanted now, and yogurt is too trivial for your new existence as their personal legacy.

Dying isn't powerful. The value the meek assign a life is not the sum of its products. People die all the time, people live uninspired lives all the time, there's nothing surprising about one begetting the other.

It doesn't feel right.

It has to mean something, if someone died for it. It can't just be sitting around eating yogurt and-

...I'll be honest, I'm trying to have a personal crisis here but I really want yogurt now.

For whatever it's worth you have my permission to eat some yogurt. Pass out in a pool of it for all I care. Turning the question over, finding whether anything you do accrues meaning, can only be done in time. The quality of the filler doesn't make much difference.

? Are you the one they saved?

Yeah. Doesn't mean I can't acknowledge it's stupid.

But they will not come back to life, even if you manage to convince them you were not worth it.

Can't say I know what that's like. I've died for someone, sort of. It's complicated and not worth getting into it all.

But if he came here, I'd be fine with whatever he wanted. What mattered most to me was him, not the deeds he did or could potentially do.

Were they a good person?

something must have made them seem worth it, right?

He refused to believe I died and kept looking for me for years. I was imprisoned and under mind control. He set down his weapons after I broke his bones and used his words to help me and managed to remove the device that enslaved me.

Other than that, he's wonderful. There weren't any regrets and still aren't, despite all I've gone through.

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