text, un: bellabelle

[doreimi]

You know...at one point I would've made a post like this anonymously. Not because I'm ashamed or anything, exactly, but because sometimes you just want to talk about things without your name attached, you know? So that it's not really about you, just about the advice you're looking for. Or because you don't want people to look at you differently after they hear about it.

I guess it's because it's been so hot lately that it got me thinking about it. And also because of Cordis, a little. Sometimes I get wings for Cordis, and then all of a sudden my wardrobe gets pretty limited when it comes to...that. But anyway.

Really what I wanted to ask is —

For people who have scars, how do you think about them? Like are they a part of your identity now, or do they still bother you? Do they feel wrong when you look at them? And — if you are okay with them, did you do something to make yourself more okay with them? Or are you just kind of...never going to be okay with them, no matter what?

I have some. I think they're ugly, and hard to look at, and I try to keep them covered up so that they won't bother people who might see them. I guess really what I'm wondering is whether that's a feeling that's ever likely to change.

It's just something that's been on my mind more and more lately, is all.

Comments

text, un. angel

[schmisse]

It's not something I actively try to hide, but I do understand that it raises a lot of questions. The scars I have, no matter who may have seen them, aren't things friends ask about, though. I thought differently.

They're proof of who I am. I didn't like them at first, but I never hated myself for them.

[doreimi]

Is it that your friends don't ask because they're too polite to, or something else?

I...hm. I guess mine are a little different. I don't want to think of them as being a part of who I am at all, even if I guess in a way they are.

[schmisse]

I don't think so. They just never asked.

It's not very easy to accept, but it's something you have to live with. I guess for me, it's not something I can rip off and be done with. One in particular doesn't look very nice to look at, but it's a mark of something that could have been.

[doreimi]

Something that could have been?

[schmisse]

My scars represent injury. Some a little more serious than others.

[doreimi]

Oh. And so, "what could have been" in that case would mean...something a lot worse than just a scar, right?

[schmisse]

Yup, that's it.

I mean... it's better this than being not alive.

[doreimi]

Yeah...that's definitely true.

But I'm sort of biased, I guess. All of my scars are the kind that leave you not alive afterward.

[schmisse]

So... do you think how you perceive them would change?

[doreimi]

I don't know, honestly. For a long time now, I've sort of thought of them as the proof of what that guy did to me. Something of him that he left behind on me. Like they're not..."mine", really, they're just this thing I have to carry.

But at the same time, I don't know how I would feel if someone said they could wave a magic wand and get rid of them. Because it wouldn't change what he did, it'd just...cover it up. You know? And I almost think that would be worse, somehow.

[schmisse]

You would still know. It wouldn't change anything.

Being okay or not being okay with something isn't an easy decision to make. If you wanted to be okay with it, you have to convince yourself to. I think you should, otherwise, you'd just be hating yourself the whole time.