☽ I: video

[inabluemoon]

[The video flicks on to reveal a figure silhouettes against the red moon glowing full overhead behind them. It looks like Vanitas has somehow gotten onto the roof of somewhere and is perched very precariously on the edge, his hair ruffled. For as dim as his face is in the darkness it's clear that he's grinning widely, his teeth looking almost suspiciously sharp and his blue eyes glowing with what seems to be red.]

Hello, fellow Moonblessed! To those of you who I haven't met yet, my name is Vanitas.

[Briefly the video becomes a blur as he spins to face the moon, gesturing to it broadly as the red glow washes over him.] Where I come from this sort of red moon usually heralds the birth of beings known as vampires. But it's a shame that such doesn't seem to be the case here, you know?

[He laughs, the sound just a bit manic.] You might be wondering why... It's simple- I'm a doctor to vampires, and without any patients it's just impossible for me to do my job! And I'm a very busy man, you know... So I'd like to make an offer to all of you!

If there are any vampires here, I want you to let me test something on you! If you're inhuman but not a vampire I suppose I could still try it on you, really... So what do all of you say?

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[regelkonform]

[ Germany couldn’t believe this, Italy hadn’t been exaggerating that he’d met a so-called vampire doctor. Though, in his mind he felt that it was justified to question it, he did sound rather unstable, to put it mildly. He would play along for now, if only to get the truth for Italy. There was a rather serious look on his face as the video feed flicked on and he let out an exasperated sigh. ]

So you’re the “vampire-doctor”...

[ Why, yes, he was doing air quotes. ]

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[dioscorea]

Hm. what do you mean by a vampire, exactly?

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[resound]

You could consider it a vacation instead of trying to pretend you’re still busy
Clearly there’s not much of a demand for you here.
Are there really enough vampires in general to need specialists, anyway

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[milkisgross]

[Holy crap this guy had been serious when they had talked over the network post earlier.]

I'm not volunteering, but I hope you plan on telling your prospective test-subjects exactly what you're planning on doing with them for your experiments.

[He's seen enough of experimentation done on unwilling subjects. If he can stop that from occurring here, he's going to.]

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[lestatusquo]

I'm perfectly good with my vampirism being on my own time, thank you very much.
In fact, with no disrespect intended to the cryptofauna (or, I suppose, regular extraterrestrial fauna) of this planet, it's troubling me enough that the local lunar cycle seems slated to interrupted the basis on which I am accustomed to being a vampire: namely, CONSISTENTLY.
You realize how suspicious this broad proposition of a "test" looks, right?

[inabluemoon]

[Vanitas tilts his head, grin widening even more.]

So you've heard of me, then?

[inabluemoon]

A being with fangs who drinks blood, typically born beneath the Red Moon and created from the alteration of the constitutive formula of humans.

Do I need to keep going?

[inabluemoon]

Taking a vacation doesn't come with my line of work. I'm only trying to help!

[inabluemoon]

[Sorry Ed, Sanguis happened. But in reality this is closer to how Vanitas normally is.]

Oh, of course! [He laughs.] Honestly the likelihood that it would work at all is very low, so there's no need to worry! But what sort of doctor would I be if I just sat back and did nothing?

[inabluemoon]

So you're a vampire! And this place has altered your physiology? How so?

It isn't my fault how people take things.

[resound]

If you want to work that bad you might want to try expanding your practice.
Most of the Prismals are pretty “ inhuman ” anyway

[inabluemoon]

It's not really that simple... Otherwise I would! But like I said I'd definitely try if one of them would let me.

[milkisgross]

[Ed's eyes narrow into slits.]

I don't think I'm the right person to answer that, though I know a couple of doctors who might have a few words for you about it.

[He'll be keeping an eye out for any sign of shenanigans, Vanitas.]

[inabluemoon]

I don't really care either way. I won't them stand in the way of my work... It's to save vampires, you know?

[He tilts his head, eyes glowing brighter as the moon flashes in them.]

[lestatusquo]

Well, I seem to have woken up this evening with the ears of a merperson and the tail of a lamia. Which, normally, I would have pinned to someone having spiked my IPA...
...and on saying that, I realize I may be too generous in assuming I ought to write that off on grounds of assumption that I've escaped the unending frivolous absurdity and wanton chaos-making of partying with monster high schoolers.

[Wow, Liam. Too many words... spoil the broth...]

While, no, I can't refute that, it fails to change how it prompts anyone with an analytical brain cell in their skull to call your accountability into question.
What if some poor, underserved creature of the night signs themselves on for what they BELIEVE to be a clinical trial of a high-plasma gluten-free blood substitute for times of scarcity, only to find themselves getting pressured into chugging never-filtered holy water to "test the efficacy" of an "improved" line of "pentagram patches"?
(I imagine "improved" in this case would mean that the ink is only marginally less soluble in the face of soap and water. I sigh that nowhere in the social media backlash against Bacchanalbarn did I spot a single simple-minded laymonster bring up the low-hanging fruit that is the irony of a product washing off with water after two days when its purpose is, in fact, to WITHSTAND ((holy)) WATER.)

[Yeah, um. ...That's not the topic right now.

Wasn't, at least.]

[inabluemoon]

[Yeah Vanitas seems to have more or less ignored the first part, picking and choosing the topics to focus on almost on a whim]

Holy water? What does that have to do with anything?

Whatever, I don't need to do any of that! All I need to do is see if my book has any effect on vampires not native to my world. There's a high probability that it won't, but I wouldn't be very good at my job if I just let that sort of question go unanswered, you know?

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[sealeted]

Gosh, you're in high spirits.

[She's seen spirits this high before, and they usual act as the harbingers of... well, a lot. A lot, all at once.]

Just as a head's up, people aren't super likely to volunteer for medical practices they know nothing about and might not need.

[milkisgross]

[This son of a-]

You told me you weren't a vampire!

[inabluemoon]

Am I? I wonder...

[He looks towards the moon for a few moments before he tilts his head, frowning.]

So should I just hunt them instead?

[inabluemoon]

[Suddenly his expression turns serious, expression darkening into one of disdain.]

I'm not.

[sealeted]

Pretty sure that violates the Hippocratic oath, so... no?

[She rubs her cheek, squinting at him.]

What brought this on so... aggressively?

[inabluemoon]

The Hippocratic Oath?

[Vanitas just laughs for a few long moments before grinning again. Already his canine teeth are suspiciously sharp for a human's, but now that difference is even more evident as he smirks almost maniacally at the video.]

It's just what I said- I need to do my job! I don't have time to waste around here twiddling my thumbs!

[milkisgross]

Then why are your eyes glowing red?

[sealeted]

Usually it's patients in desperate need of a doctor, not the other way around. Is there something you get from vampires other than money?

[inabluemoon]

Doing what?

[Yeah he genuinely has absolutely no idea. He snorts.]

You must be losing it. I said I'm not a vampire.