anonymous text | in a strange young world

[inuko]

Question: if you're having really vivid dreams that leave you waking up... messy, what are they and how do you make them stop?

[ when you skipped past puberty, don't know what to call a wet dream, and have no internet searching skills... you make the mistake of asking the internet. but seriously. how do you make them stop?! at least give him a term to research, please! ]

Comments

cw: descriptions of sickness & death, deceased children

[bailian]

[ The same had befallen many of the improverished youths Luo Binghe had known in his earliest years, before a nurturing woman whose open arms and boundless heart had led to him to calling her mother. He'd watched their color drain from once spry bodies, full of the endless vigor of youth, only to lies cold and still come the dawning light. While many others even less fortunate had been cast upon the unforgiving streets before the chance to thrive fell upon them. Those he recalls with illness and ailment akin to the things this stranger mentions; all scalding hot foreheads and tiny chests wracked with gut-wrenching coughs that shook small frames.

There's a guilt to surviving while others drop like flies all around. Binghe's body pink and strong as though surrounded by a halo that shed sickness from the very air around his head. Not that he could question such an immunity back then, nor believe it to be more than one of the many curses of proverty, that those with deep pockets and the best healers never knew.

But he still remembers, aches at the idea of someone young enough to still struggle through a body's change, to know the crushing weight of chronic sickness at an age much younger than this. ]

You have my utmost sympathy.

[ It's formal, but more than he'd give Liu Qingge or any of the other cultivators if ill. Unless a certain Shizun was present to witness this withholding of concern, by nudging him into bestowing it. He can refuse him nothing, in the end.

But someone so small should have his compassion.

He relates in another way. His own sufferings were not born from a sickness or source he couldn't see. The woodshed, the hot tea over a bowed head, between beating from Liu Qingge's disciples and those on his peak, Binghe had a well trained tolerence for pain. For suffering alone, shaking from exhaustion or his own sobs through those too long hours.

What came later was even worse; made it look like child's play, youthful cruelty that paled in compare to the things that went bump in the night within the Endless Abyss. ]

Rather than remind yourself of the past every time you lie down, use pillows to prevent any rolling.

[ Binghe has his own coping mechanisms for a life lived roughly. He can understand how much better a solution it is if he bypassing a step that forces this boy to recall his noctural stirrings and things best left forgotten. ]

With those on your sides it should hold you in place. Leave them that way after you get up, so you don't have to think about all of this more than once.

[ Calming the soul and clearing the mind is far more difficult a problem to solve when talking to a mortal youth without any cultivation or training in such arts. ]

There are immortal cultivators here. [ Binghe doesn't so much as consider himself an option to be anyone's teacher. Not even for this. ] My master is one, and I can give his name privately if you'd like.

[ Even though this isn't a scandelous issue compared to the typical flavor of network posts, Binghe is intensely cautious about bringing Shen Qingqiu's name up in a conversation anyone can see. Not because he's afraid of other's passing judgement, but how the man himself might feel about his name seen in such a wide circulating discussion.

Better to pass it along in private. That way the first time his master hears of it, if at all, it'ss directly and not stumbled upon on a public post. ]

If you asked for his help with focusing your thoughts and preventing such distractions, I have no doubt he would offer his insight.

[inuko]

It's okay. I'm ridiculously healthy these days.

[ Strangers don't need to apologise for his genetics, his circumstances. Shino hadn't ever used it as an excuse, and yes, he railed against it, feared it, curled up in the pain of it, fought against his limitations for the people he cared about, and paid the price time and again.

It was worth it. Even becoming what he is now... it's worth it. ]

Cultivators? I met one of them, I think. I can try asking the one I know too if they have any advice... though I'm not the most patient person, as I've been told before.

[ He's patient at times, but no, it's not his virtue, generally speaking. ]

If they don't, maybe I can ask for your master's name then?

[ Private ]

[bailian]

Shen Qingqiu.

If you're in need of instruction, I can promise you'll find no better teacher.

[ All people have a particular level of bias in their opinions, with Luo Binghe being no different in his rather idealized perception of the man who was his one source of happiness. A man who was and is an instructor and companion and something too profound to name, all at once.
Although, soon as the words fall he wonders if he's placing a burden upon his master's shoulders that he's yet to openly invite. Teacher and Peak Lord he may have been, but being in this world puts a sort of pause on his active participation in these roles. ]

If you have questions in the meantime, I don't mind answering them.

[ Coming from a man with an incredible lack of restraint in many respects, he is incredibly familiar with running short of it and the terrible consequences such impulsivity can cause. ]

Patience isn't easy. But it's sometimes necessary.

permaprivate; text -> voice

[inuko]

[ He sees where it now says private, and he wants to know: how the heck does he do that? But with it being that way, he does finally come off text, switching over so he's on audio too. His voice is young, late teenage years and pleasant and masculine enough; for all his appearance and generally sweet voice, nothing in how he sounds is particularly effeminate. ]

Shen Qingqiu? That's a new name to me... I met someone, Shi Qingxuan? Do you think he'd know, or is your master a better person to talk to?

[ He's honestly not sure if he has the right personality for meditation, but he's willing to try most anything once, because it's easier to give it an attempt than to not try and make his life easier to deal with. ]

I know it's necessary, but...

[ He makes a sound of frustration, and flops back on the bed he'd been perched on. A thwump that carries over audio. Shino scrubs his hands over his face, then stares at the ceiling: this man said if he had questions, he doesn't mind answering, and in all this muddle of things, there's one that comes to mind that... he doesn't know if anyone has an answer for. ]

You don't think it's any... different for people if they're not just... human, do you? And there's no real chance that, I don't know... having those kinds of dreams, they're not wishes, are they?

[ There's no context for this, but his concern that comes out of this is: he's not just human. His demon, his whole self these days, can create wishes out of his own desires. Dreams seem like they should be safe from Murasame granting what Shino doesn't realise he's wishing for, but he can't pretend it's not possible, and he's not worried that if his dreams stop being about abstracts, he might be... he doesn't know.

Maybe meditation will help with that, too. ]

[bailian]

I don't know them well enough to say.

[ It means that in this situation, Shino is going to be forced to do all the leg work in finding the best person to oversee his instruction. If any of it even works to better his situation. ]

You're not asking to be taken on as a disciple, so there's no harm in asking more than one cultivator for advice.

[ There's an ominous sort of silence that follows Shino's subtle admission of his own lack of complete humanity, heard well enough in the evasive wording of questions that imply he's something else.

Binghe's not unfamiliar with entities that stray far from human origins. He's met his fair share of creatures more or less inhuman as he is, here and back when he'd personally taken over a portion of the demon realm. But it wasn't every day, or any really, that they passed heartfelt discussions into his ear during the times he desperately wanted them. Back during his days without his master, when anyone to talk to would have been a comfort when he could find no such shoulder to lean on.

So an inhuman youth, not quite a child but someone stepping into the same cusp of adulthood Binghe had endured in the most unforgiving landscape to grow into his own skin, opening up his heart to such deeply personal struggles that speak of insecurities and uncertainty, reminds Binghe of none other than himself. In ways that loosen his tongue without his expectation of it. ]

As far as I know it isn't different. Not for me, and I'm- [ Shino's frustration is met with his own halting words. ] Only half.

[ After the Abyss, a betrayal, then years of so much tumultuous conflict and prejudice because of his blood, there's an innate reluctance to even speak of it. It's different when everyone knows the rumors and have witnessed the countless acts that prove such an otherwise incredulous claim. But no one really knows here, unless he specifically owns up to it.

A frightful thing to do when you expect to be met with revulsion or loathing, and perhaps far worse than all one can expect. A strange thing for a Demon Lord to suffer reservations over, but childhood fears stay with a man long after he's grown. ]

No. Dreams can be fears, things that make little sense, or strange attempts to reason through life while you sleep. They don't mean one thing or another.

[ Binghe's experiences don't transcend the realm of kisses and touches; all of it still entirely platonic in Moonlacing terms. And before his arrival none other had so much as laid an intimate hand upon him. So the times that he had suffered those fleeting instances of subconscious intensity, they weren't elaborate extrapolations of things he hasn't done. He doesn't know how it feels to be inside anyone else, or what the heat of a mouth is like around him, nor anything else at all.

All he knows is they were limited to sensations he's experienced. All of which are paltry in their number, and solely involve his own hands against the most obvious offender.

But he knows if they were wishes, if his subconscious could act out what he truly yearned for at the heights of desire, it would have only been Shen Qingqiu in those dreams, not the confusing smattering of things that rarely made sense. ]

Dreaming about something doesn't mean you wish it to be true.

[inuko]

[ He can't even imagine being someone's disciple: does he have the dedication for that? (He does, and he knows it, but he's not looking for that kind of guidance, though he really, really should be. Easy enough to be shortsighted in other ways when focussed on different, more immediate goals, like those in this conversation.) ]

Mm.

[ Is his acknowledgement of having heard what was said, though he stays silent when Binghe remains silent. He's not sure of the cause, but it's obviously him and what he's said... and it only makes sense when he's rolled on his side and Binghe's speaking again. There's something reassuring even if in a way it shouldn't be, hearing that Binghe's not just human either, and that what he says might have the weight of similar enough to be true, even from different worlds, different understandings of demon.

He's not ignorant to the fact they must be different, if only because he's run into that evidence. In which case, what are demons, on other worlds? Who are they, to be capable of conceiving with humans? It's a different kind of idly fascinating question, one that, perhaps, isn't unanswerable even on his world. It's just... very unlikely, considering. ]

By birth, or by making? [ He ends up asking, staring at his phone device and prodding it idly with a finger. ] Not that it matters; it's just a question. I'm made, if you think it changes anything.

[ He's so up front about these things, in contexts like these. There's no judgment of Binghe in anything in his voice, just the acknowledgement of words hear, and Shino's temporising in the aftermath.

This guy's perspective on dreams is a relief; it's not like Shino's other dreams have had an impact that he knows of, but he doesn't want this to be the first. ]

Good. I don't really care about the dreaming so much as... I don't know. Consequences.

[ Unwitting consequences. It's out there to have worried about this, but with the curse and the fact he's broken past that physical-lock aspect of it, he doesn't know if there are other things he and Murasame are not quite the same on as they have been for the last five years. Hormones? Wet dreams? Okay, those are normal things, but Shino's aware he's not the normal he wants to be anymore, and it's just one more thing to puzzle over when he's got no one to puzzle over it with, or ask the awkward questions.

He's thankful to the people here answering him, regardless. Even the weird one with the numb arm thing. ]

[bailian]

[ All the soft accompanying noises on the other end of the line suggest the kind of unintentional rolling around of someone with unfettered energy to spare and no belief in excessive self-control. Again it dredges up old memories of his peers who could barely hold still in their idle bodies. Flighty little birds darting gleefully about with seemingly not a care in the world once the hawkish eyes of their Shizun landed elsewhere, then huddling stock-still whenever Shen Qingqiu so much as loftily recalled their existence to the tune of several dozen laps.

A lifetime ago he was that antsy in his own skin. But time has tested him to much, laid enough pressure down to drain the whole of his heart dry. Until he found it exhausting to move. To breathe in and out or be more than the untouchable entity he'd once perceived his master to be.

Without Shen Qingqiu hovering near to remind him there is life and joy and so much to feel within his body, Binghe finds himself easily left to stillness. It's the same way he'd settled on what amounted to a throne and listened to endless reports, strategies and all the complaints a Peak Lord finds cast at his feet. ]

By blood and lineage. [ Even if what he was only manifested itself later. ] I was born like this, but I didn't always know.

[ If one wanted to get technical even he was created in a manner of speaking. But in place of anything artificial, be it summoning incantations or the sealing spells to hold something in place within a body, his flesh was knitted together in the most organic of ways. Most demons are, though they were birthed into the world typically well aware of their parentage and raised with the belief that they belonged to the race they were brought into. He had not.

It makes him wonder if someone that isn't human, who wasn't born this way but made, ever knew a similar sense of alienation. Loneliness. And the desperate want to belong. ]

What would it change? You're going through the same things everyone does.

[ It's the most bizarre litmus test of normalcy, but if something walks and speaks and looks as mortals do, then it could be guessed that even functions like these follow the same patterns.

Abilities can throw a wrench into appearing anything but seemingly normal. Binghe himself knows all too well how his behaviors oftentimes dip into the bizarre, too unlike his mortal followers in the the Huan Hua Palace to be met with anything but fright or awe. But one could hope a young man's experience growing up doesn't turn distinctly atypical.

With the issue being so intimate, it's not hard to imagine the fact it could be more frightening than changes that are already awkward, beyond a person's control. ]

If things get worse- [ Worded carefully, the subject sensitive in many ways. ] We'll think of something else.

[ Because saying he'll shoulder all the burden to finding a solution sounds too much like he's taking on the responsibilities of a youth he's not even met. There's a sense of necessary distance here to uphold some propriety for himself and the one in question.

Except, he hears that last word and can't possibly know that Shino may fear he's bound to dream things into reality. His next best guess is the more obvious one, something more tangled up in shame or any deeper meaning behind the end results of such strong reactions. ]

How do you think they'll affect you here?

[inuko]

Ah, that had to be hard. Learning things about yourself that matter to you and others, but you had no way to know before you knew.

[ Alienation comes from all different sources; his health was enough of one, growing up, being a young boy told to follow an older tradition, a young girl to the eyes of the world. Someone who wrestled and contended with the spectre of his own death all his remembered life, who never went to school, rarely was outside, threw himself into rivers and forests in the chances he had to take, including for the sake of his adopted siblings.

Being human and not, now, is a different alienation he refuses to allow himself to feel, a different fear that has to sneak in when his defenses are down.

He sighs out, huffing something of a sound of amusement and annoyance, not at the man speaking with him, but at himself. ]

I don't know, it really shouldn't matter.

[ Even so, it does. Worries he shrugs off to deal with if they become problems. ]

... I don't know? [ He keeps saying that. He hates it. He makes a small noise of frustration. ] Have you noticed... do you have any abilities that work differently here than they do back in your home?

[bailian]

[ He cannot possibly fathom what made this man who or what he is today, or the limitations and laws that his body abides by concerning such unknowns. But being created, in whatever way that he was, shouldn't mean he's so unlike others that his dreams are secret desires. Not when a youthful voice echos only apprehension at the thought. ]

You're still- [ A search for words yields the most obvious result. ] You, whether you were born like this or made to become who you are now.

[ Isn't that true for everyone, no matter the subject matter or person being discussed? Yes, it matters to the person on that journey of self-discovery, but not in ways that detract from the end result. ]

If what happens in those moments aren't things you want, then don't doubt your own feelings.

[ Defensiveness isn't something inborn within him, but learned like all his hardest lessons. So that knee-jerk instinct, the unwillingness to dole out revelations of his own weaknesses, rises to meet the question at hand.

It's doubtful that someone young enough to not know their own body could possibly conceive of using information concerning his abilities against him. And there seems little reason to suspect such a thing would be a relevant concern when Binghe hasn't made an enemy of this man.

Still, he's guarded enough to not lay out the full scope of it all. Vague notions are enough to maintain the honest exchange they've initiated. ]

Yes, some abilities don't work at all. Others only occasionally.

[ Xin Mo can no longer cleave through time and space, nor does the blood coursing through Shen Qingqiu's veins call to him without fail at it once did. Without reintroducing it into his master's system, or that of another soul, it's impossible to tell if the problem is person-specific or due to this world. Neither option is feasible when the mere proposition in his Sizun's direction is likely to dredge up memories he'd rather leave in the past. ]

[inuko]

[ His silence is longer this time, and when he speaks again, it's with a sort of half-sighed laugh that carries no humour at all. ]

Except when I was just human, I was a sick kid who was dressed like a girl because his parents desperately hoped it'd help fool fate into letting me see fifteen. If I said, "I wish you well," it was a nice sentiment, and something I was probably hoping could be true for me too, but knew wouldn't be. As I am now, I can say something like, "I wish you well," and that's not just words. It leads to people being kept alive, forced to live past their natural end and craving blood to sustain themselves, torn up because all they want to do is die, and all I've done without meaning to is force them to see the lies they've been living with to make life hurt less after they should already be dead.

[ Should he say this to someone he barely knows? Doesn't know at all, really, aside from a sort of almost shared heritage? Probably not.

But he's tired, this is something that honestly disturbs and frightens him, and he has no one to tell this to anyway. Which is almost worse. Murasame... Murasame has no advice on any of this.

He grants wishes. He doesn't consider if they should be granted or not. Shino is the moral compass, not his demon. ]

I could afford to be careless when I was just a sick child. I can't afford to be that way now, not when it isn't always conscious, these things that happen. I don't even know how I'd test that here, but... I don't want to find out after it's ruined someone else's existence because I didn't understand their point of view.

[ And with the people here, that's most everyone. ]