Voice

[loungelizard]

Good afternoon Lunatia! ♪

[Hopefully you were sitting when you opened this audio message, because the brunt of this undiluted cheerfulness would've knocked you on your ass.]

Since I've found my hands... preoccupied, and there's nothing that interesting on TV... I have a question for anyone who wants to talk:

What's the craziest thing that has happened to you before, after, or during sex?

Comments

discussion of... stds??? idk do i have to warn for that????????????

[meteorman]

[See, this is the fun thing about being friends with Ford. He'll bring up something completely bonkers with most of the context missing and then you have to carefully pry it out of him like you're doing one of those dinosaur excavation kits they sell at the 'cool' toy stores.

Also, fine, we can do this vocally if we really have to.]

You're overthinking it.

[Classic adventure game protagonist move.]

Many aliens are not unlike humans, right down to how stupid they are and how far they'll bend over backward for sex. Some just also happen to have bio-luminescent venereal diseases that they often correctly assume they can get away with pretending are a perfectly normal physical trait for their species.

In my defense I was a much younger man then and had only recently started regularly interacting with extra-human beings from outside my own dimension. My ability to recognize bullshit for what it is wasn't as developed then as it is now.

1/3

[loungelizard]

2/3

[loungelizard]

It was both a tracking device...

3/3

[loungelizard]

...AND a venereal disease?

[meteorman]

Eeeeh. [He waggles a hand, not that Larry can see him do it.]

I'm willing to believe it was just the latter. The fact that the light made my location incredibly obvious was an unfortunate but unintended side-effect.

If they were in league with the authorities it would have been much less complicated to just hit me over the head with a blunt object and have done with it.

[loungelizard]

Meh. It wouldn't be a bad schtick if they were a bounty hunter who liked to mix business with pleasure.

[...which is to say that Larry is picking up on the subtext here but not actively thinking about it.]

[meteorman]

Oh, I've had run-ins with those too. They didn't generally let me leave after. That's how you can tell the difference. Even after sex no one's stupid enough to let a payday that big walk away.

[It's not even subtext at this point. He doesn't see any reason to pretend he doesn't have wanted posters across half the known universe. Frankly he's a little surprised they haven't made it as far as this universe, but it was nice to show up here and not immediately get arrested.]

[loungelizard]

"That big"? ...How big is the price on your head, anyway?

ink aggressively avoiding pronouns like neo in the matrix

[meteorman]

[Haaahaha. Hm.]

That depends on who you'd be turning me over to, the authorities or my ex.

... Though now that my ex is dead I imagine no one's going to be coming to collect on that one. That makes things easier.

it how you do

[loungelizard]

Is that so? That's bringing a whole new meaning to "want you back"!

[meteorman]

My head, specifically. On a platter.

It was a bad breakup.

1/2

[loungelizard]

...oh.

[loungelizard]

I know I've left a few broken hearts in my wake, but none that would be willing to pay someone to kill me!

What happened?

[meteorman]

[... Yeah, he kind of invited the question, didn't he.]

It's an incredibly long story. To put it simply: don't date demons. We didn't see eye to eye on things like whether my universe was due for an apocalypse or not. Once I made it clear I was opposed, I became an obstacle to be removed.

[That's the cliffnotes of the cliffnotes, but forgive him if he's not interested in going into the whole shitty story just yet.]

[loungelizard]

Huh.

I'm surprised that kind of thing doesn't come up on the first date!

[Is this a joke or not? It's hard to tell...]