Voice

[loungelizard]

Good afternoon Lunatia! ♪

[Hopefully you were sitting when you opened this audio message, because the brunt of this undiluted cheerfulness would've knocked you on your ass.]

Since I've found my hands... preoccupied, and there's nothing that interesting on TV... I have a question for anyone who wants to talk:

What's the craziest thing that has happened to you before, after, or during sex?

Comments

text | j.valentine

[torsion]

Ask me something else.

1/2

[loungelizard]

Hmmmmmm...

2/2

[loungelizard]

No.

Now, don't get me wrong. On a normal day I'm more than happy to talk about what the ladies want to talk about!

But right now, we talk about what Larry Laffer wants to talk about. That's the rules for today.

awkward public confession mmmm

[torsion]

I haven't had sex here.
I was a POW for almost four years prior.
There you go. There's your "rules".

[ Hey, he's the one that needed to know. There he goes. Enjoy that Suffering. ]

You wanna know how I hurt others?
Feel free to ask.

hoh boy

[loungelizard]

Just because I asked didn't mean you had to answer.

Uh...nah. I don't, actually. I'm good.

Voice

[songbird_slayer]

Hello, Ser Larry.

Hmm... I'll go with a relatively recent one: Back home I'd taken a paladin to bed, only for the rest of the party to walk in wondering where I'd gone with the holy man. As it turns out, paladins don't swear an oath to celibacy! Lucky for me!

I used Dimension Door to teleport us to the roof to escape detection. Unfortunately the weather wasn't exactly... warm, and we weren't wearing anything.

So that's how I spent a chilly mid-morning on a rooftop in my nameday suit with a man of the church.

[loungelizard]

Madhuuu~ri! ♥︎

I was expecting something more salacious from you, babe! So--what's the deal? Was the oath to celibacy some sort of stereotype or just a "different denominations" situation?

[songbird_slayer]

A stereotype, for sure! I thought it was just a thing to keep them close to their god. But he was a man with an appetite no less than any other man.

...Except he was a dragonborn.

But you're a naughty boy, asking for juicy stories over public forum. I save those for special occasions. You know, to inspire others.

[loungelizard]

[He giggles.]

Well. I am working on several creative projects right now...I could use all the inspiration I can get!

Audio | UN: oceangem

[riptidequeen]

What on e--Lunatia could you have your hands full with?

[SHE REFUSES TO ANSWER, Larry already knows the answer. Probably, maybe, most likely.]

[loungelizard]

[Well, the good news is that if there's only one instance of it, it's simultaneously the craziest and the tamest...]

Why, crafting, of course!

[The distinct SNIP! SNIP! of a pair of shears is heard. They're a damn good pair, if the swish of the close and the crisp snap at the end is any indication.]

[riptidequeen]

[At least his answer wasn't something perverted, which Lapis' player realized could have been the answer!!]

... You do art then? Or do crafts count as something else?

text | un: fantasma

[teaserving]

a guy telling me he'd blow me but then he just puked on my dick
quickest way to ruin a boner

text.

[torsion]

Best friend application is removed.

text.

[teaserving]

im sorry you cant handle my wild sexual romps jill
it's come to this

[loungelizard]

[He's laughing, not expressing even the slightest grossed-out response to this. Hmm...]

Oh, now that is unfortunate! What happened--did he choke? Were both of you okay afterwards?

[teaserving]

ok so
first of all we were both trashed but i think he was more shitfaced than me
and also i dont think he expected my junk to be that big
so it was a double whammy of choking and him already prepared to projectile vomit

i mean we were fine but damn that was a sad shower i had

anonymous text

[nonehorse]

My stories aren't exactly hilarious, but I've discovered that I glow during sex with people I'm very much fond of! Which is on the stranger end of sex things as far as I've experienced them.

If we're talking the more painful end of crazy, I guess the time I set a girl's hijab on fire accidentally and then we both panicked because her parents would find out, so she just asked me to help her make a towel into a replacement and she left. I think that was a formative experience in my youth.

[loungelizard]

That sounds pretty cool, actually. That's a really literal take on "afterglow"! [He giggles.]

As for the hijab thing: what were you two doing with her head that close to open flame? [Okay, so he really mangled the pronunciation of "hijab", but at least he knows what it is.]

[nonehorse]

It is! I never thought of it like that, mainly because I tend to glow during, but I'm going to steal that to use on my partner one day, if that's alright with you!!

I

had a tendency to set things on fire without wanting or meaning to when I was younger, let's just say that. There wasn't a candle in the room! Thankfully she wasn't injured either or I'd have felt awful. It's not so awful when she was intending to let me see her hair anyway because we were rebelling against our parents, haha!

text; i will always break out this stupid headcanon

[meteorman]

If an alien is particularly quick to assure you that it's very normal for their genitalia to glow, don't take them at their word. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be apprehended by the interdimensional authorities because there's a bright blue homing beacon in your pants that you haven't figured out how to get rid of yet?

sends the headcanon back with "needs more detail, see me after class" written in the corner

[loungelizard]

Okay, I have...several questions.

One: How did the homing beacon get there in the first place?
Two: Does this imply that a part of them detached and re-attached itself to you?
Three: Was it actually sex or just a front to offload their burden to you?
Four: ... Please transcribe the conversation.

discussion of... stds??? idk do i have to warn for that????????????

[meteorman]

[See, this is the fun thing about being friends with Ford. He'll bring up something completely bonkers with most of the context missing and then you have to carefully pry it out of him like you're doing one of those dinosaur excavation kits they sell at the 'cool' toy stores.

Also, fine, we can do this vocally if we really have to.]

You're overthinking it.

[Classic adventure game protagonist move.]

Many aliens are not unlike humans, right down to how stupid they are and how far they'll bend over backward for sex. Some just also happen to have bio-luminescent venereal diseases that they often correctly assume they can get away with pretending are a perfectly normal physical trait for their species.

In my defense I was a much younger man then and had only recently started regularly interacting with extra-human beings from outside my own dimension. My ability to recognize bullshit for what it is wasn't as developed then as it is now.

text; un: aphrodite

[wingstosee]

huh.
i thought i'd have more of these but i'm kind of coming up blank?
so instead i'm just gonna say it was evil santa inviting me to an orgy.
that was pretty messed up.

also that was before if it wasn't clear. sorry

[loungelizard]

[Evil...Santa...]

Who, Krampus?

Yeah, he seems like the kind of guy that would throw a groovy orgy.