prismatica | text; un: xiaoxingchen

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text; un: xiaoxingchen

[ xiao xingchen is not someone who feels the urge to ask questions often. not of others, and even less so of strangers. for this, however, he'll make an exception, even if the words are hard to parse. ]

I have been thinking
The people that we are in this place, the people we become —
Is there a chance in this world for those who are destined to commit evil?
Or is it futile to expect that anything will change when we return to our worlds?

And if it is futile then... does anything we do here matter?

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I did. I felt as though all I could do was see through my plan to destroy the person who had been using me, and then accept silencing by his co-conspirators.

I saw myself as no better than the person I'd sworn vengeance upon for his crimes against my mother. For a time, here, I even tried to work myself to crystalization as payment, because surely I didn't deserve respite.

But, none of that brought comfort to the people I'd hurt. I'd thought they'd enjoy seeing me suffer, but they didn't see me the way I thought. My regrets and desire to change were meaningful to them, so they didn't feel the hatred for me I expected.

The person who led me to this fate... I could not hurt them. I cannot even find it in myself to be angry with them, and they have also changed here. They have tried to be better, to be more. They have been kind to me, protected me.

I understand. Before my future was revealed to me, I was asked to make a promise not not bring harm onto myself. And that... that is why I have not... done anything. Even if I feel it is deserved.

You are surrounded by some very compassionate individuals.

I am now, anyway.

They're very different from everyone I was surrounded by when I was being used as an assassin. All of them were truly reprehensible people, who would never acknowledge a need to change on their own.

It's honestly been a shock. I expect them to behave one way, but they really do almost the opposite. I'm sure I wouldn't have come to these realizations otherwise, since I was fully prepared to let them take their anger out on me.

Do you think you can be happy in this world? Despite knowing the future?

Ah.
I have never met an assassin before. Or... ex-assassin?

My... everyone from my world tried to protect me from the truth of the future. They were kind and they were burdened by it unfairly. I am not angry at being told, there is not much that can anger me. All I feel is
heartsick.
The person I wronged the most is not even here, I cannot beg their forgiveness or make amends.

Ex, I have no intention of letting anyone else use me to kill.

As much anxiety as it's caused me, I'm glad to have been told about my future. If they'd kept quiet, I would never have come this far. Besides, knowing about it is the only way I have even a chance of changing the outcome.

I see. For what is worth, I do not believe assassins to be inherently evil.

That makes sense. I am not... glad to know it, but neither am I angry. I do not know yet if I wish to know it or not. If it really makes a difference to me that I know.

Many of my victims were truly vile people, anyway. Unfortunately, some had merely angered the wrong person. And even among the genuine villains, some had innocent relatives who suffered for their deaths.

I think it's important to be aware of one's shortcomings. After all, if one person could manipulate you, it's a weakness you should address so that others don't take advantage of it, as well.

I guess that is a level of comfort, I do not believe killing evil is wrong. Evil left unattended festers and corrupts.
Mine were all innocent.

Is it wrong to trust too much? I always trusted people to tell me the truth and not lie, and felt confident enough that even if they did lie, I would know it instinctively.

The problem comes when evil and innocent people are connected. One of the people here is the daughter of someone I feel no sympathy for, and has suffered greatly for his sudden death.

Trust is...I've found it to be a balancing act. Trust freely, and people will take advantage of you. But if you don't trust at all, you may miss opportunities for help when you need it. I'm still working on breaking some bad habits, but I think it's best to be cautious, but also allow people chances to prove themselves to you.

I see. Thank you for your advice.

I just
I do not know how to change myself. To stop trusting freely, to stop wanting to help others and do good
And yet I feel hopeless and unworthy of helping others.
I
I have meditated on the matter and hoped that others here may hold answers like yours.

I feel as if trusting others is part of trusting myself, trusting my judgement. My ability to discern, to know good from evil. But it seems I really thought too highly of myself.

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