prismatica | 003✖; (audio @hot.damn)

Entry tags:

003✖; (audio @hot.damn)

Important question: How do you tell if someone's your friend?

Is it something that people just... know or do they have a conversation about it?

[How does friendship work and more importantly, can you eat it?]

The whole concept of friendship always seemed strange, honestly. People just decide "Hey, this person isn't a complete piece of shit"? Weird. [Well, now she might just be projecting onto herself.

[So, wait. Does this mean that she has friends? Does anyone have friends? How annoying.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...I'm not so certain mine do either.

[They do, in terms of being able to blend in, but her own self-confidence is low.]

I suppose this world doesn't really feel, uh - eheh - "real" either. But I think my "real world" sucks anyway.

Edited 2020-07-08 20:50 (UTC)

[Rey has all the confidence of a dead fish. She gets it.]

Fair point. Ours sucks, too.

Pretty sure when people said stuff like that, "real" always meant being able to get a job and go to parties, or whatever civvy shit like that.

[Things that being able to kill a person in thousands of different ways wouldn't be particularly helpful in, of course.]

You're having trouble getting jobs too, huh? Ahaha...

[Though it was more she didn't even know where to start in figuring out what it was that she wanted to do, really, now that she wasn't in the midst of a battlefield.]

But, uh. I guess I don't mind parties so much. It's pretty easy to blend in, if there's more people around. What about them gives you trouble?

Not "having troubles" so much as "putting no effort in at all" -- asides from the occasional favor here and there.

[She helps out at Konoha's farmstead, but Rey doesn't really see that as work and she doesn't really get paid for it aside from some fresh produce. Can't say no to free food.]

Don't know... Maybe it's trying to connect with people. Or figuring out whether or not you're someone that's worth them connecting to. [Conveniently not the other way around.]

If I'm honest, my own situation isn't so far from that either.

But I don't know... I guess it's- hard for me to connect to people too. But I guess it's a little necessary to at least have people who are willing to lace with you around here - ahaha - sometimes it's enough just to be able to enjoy someone's company, even if on a superficial level.

Y... yeah, still been trying to figure out ways to work around that. Or... get the fuck over it and work with it, whatever.

[Because surely you can just get over trauma, right? Okay got it good.]

[Thankfully, for all the trauma she had, it didn't quite extend into matters of lacing, so it doesn't immediately occur to her that it might actually be a problem for Rey. Though she did recall that she had some sort of issue with the possible aphrodisiacs in the octopus dish when she first met her too.]

Do you have an issue with all forms of lacing? I mean, it's easier if you can get more intense forms of it - ahaha - but I suppose one could probably get by with lots of hand holding and hugs too.

Those methods are fine, though trying to keep it going for long is... difficult.

[Mostly because it's hard not to turn her internal screaming external.]

I guess a hug after a few seconds is pretty awkward, eheheheh...

[The laughter is a little more nervous than usual, because boy does she know that much just a little too well.]

You don't have anyone here that you want to kiss yet?

It's just cuddling at that point.

[At least she has the self-awareness to acknowledge that.

[There's an awkward pause on her end now.]

Well, there was... someone, a while ago. Think it was only easier then because she was... tied up, at the time. Didn't have to stress over being touched-- [She stops, remembering how sketchy that sounds on its own.] Consensual tying, of course. She's into that shit.

You find cuddling a little strange too, then?

[Granted, the lacing part of it felt nice, but that's honestly the only reason she'd even partake in it when there was still that part of her mind that worried that she might accidentally hurt somebody through it if it went on too long.

While the next response does give her a bit of a pause, LB supposed she wasn't going to fault one for having different kinks.]

I'm not here to judge, hahaha! But I don't know... if it's the touching part that bothers you, surely it shouldn't be hard to find someone that would accommodate you for that much?

Sometimes it's... all right.

[Rey's cuddled, a few times before and a couple times here, enough to have noticed the differences and feel conflicted about it.]

Am sure there are. It just... [Ugh, words man. How do they work.] Fuck, don't know. Just feels like there're forces in this place that's constantly trying to push certain boundaries. Or maybe that's how things usually are when you're not fighting every second not to die yet.

It is nice sometimes, but I wonder how much of the lacing aspect makes me tolerate it more too. But I guess either way, I can't complain too much.

I guess the forces can be a little convenient sometimes, but uh... I guess in your case it'd be really not so great at all. But... I hear you on the last part too, ahaha... I think there's circumstances that I wouldn't be able to tolerate with any amount of outside forces because of my own situation.

And lacing is a whole other thing. Would any of the shit happening here be okay if there wasn't some... chemical or magical reaction fucking with our brains?

[Rey's definitely felt it, and that's always been the nerve-wracking part to her. The part that makes her want to jump out of windows and run before getting too cozy with someone in their bed. The thought alone makes her ill, wondering how much of it she would allow otherwise.]

I... I guess I don't actually know?

[While LB is pretty down to fuck, the whole dragon mating season thing made her question if the other party was down for it too.]

It's hard to ignore when it feels so nice, though.

[Particularly when alcohol and drugs didn't do anything for her.]

[Rey at least has that much going for her -- she still needs copious amounts of alcohol and the magical kind tends to hit her even harder, but she can always drown herself at the bottom of a bottle when things get to be a bit Too Much to deal with. Not the most healthy way of dealing with your problems, but hey. She's hardly the picture perfect symbol of healthy coping mechanisms.

[She snorts.]

Feeling nice is exactly what makes it so difficult to just disregard.

[Especially when you're her and not used to feeling nice in general.]

Yeah, ahaha... but still. As questionable as it might be... I don't think we need to deprive ourselves of it either.

[a long pause]

Why is that? How is it that you feel you're... deserving of that kind of thing when you've taken so much from others?

[It's not something Rey would be comfortable bringing up with most around here, particularly those who've never experienced war. Thus, given what she knows about LB, the question comes out easier. Maybe she's making assumptions about the other woman's past -- but judging from her nervous tics and mannerisms, Rey's pretty sure she isn't off the mark by much. She knows trauma when she sees it.]

Ahahaha... I guess I don't know if I actually deserve it, to be honest.

[And it is something that weighs on her mind pretty often, as much as she tries to push it back.]

But it... it helps other people, right? And I guess if nothing else, it's a better way to release some stress than other methods.

[Mainly in killing the shit out of people. She's trying to move away from that!]

That's...

[Rey pauses, mulling it over. Would be easier if it was over text, but in her pause she considers just how much of herself she had given for others. Not because of some need to become a better person, but to make up for all the things she had taken from them. For how much she had made their lives hell.

[Finally:] That's a... good reason.

[Progress?]

Ah, you think so?

[The surprise should be evident from her tone, but she is happy that Rey thought so. If she were perfectly honest, LB wondered if she was being a little selfish in letting herself indulge in some lacing, from time to time, but she at least felt a little validated now.]

But I guess it's something to consider at least, hahaha!

[It's a similar deal for Rey. She can't help but feel guilty, even if what she is doing is of benefit to others -- to this whole planet even, crazy as that sounds.]

Mn. Hadn't really thought of it like that, is all. But, it makes sense, in a way. Even if it still feels like they picked the wrong person for this kind of shit.

I'm not so certain I'm the best choice for it either, eheheh!

[Especially with one particular touch-based power of hers... but at least she learned she could control it. So she wouldn't have to kill people to get Chroma.]

But... I guess I have to deal with the cards given to me. All in all, I don't really mind it too much. I really do hope that it gets easier for you, though.

Been working on it, anyway. Hard to... connect with anyone, on that level. Or at least go further than -- what'd they used to call it? -- "second base", one time?

[sigh]

Work in progress.

I think it's fine if you move at your own pace, eheheh... most people aren't going to fault you for that. And if they do, uh... well, then they're probably not worth it anyway.

(no subject)

circumitus - 2020-07-29 03:25 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

fuckinghysterical - 2020-07-29 04:47 (UTC) - Expand

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only