prismatica | text, un: bellabelle

You know...at one point I would've made a post like this anonymously. Not because I'm ashamed or anything, exactly, but because sometimes you just want to talk about things without your name attached, you know? So that it's not really about you, just about the advice you're looking for. Or because you don't want people to look at you differently after they hear about it.

I guess it's because it's been so hot lately that it got me thinking about it. And also because of Cordis, a little. Sometimes I get wings for Cordis, and then all of a sudden my wardrobe gets pretty limited when it comes to...that. But anyway.

Really what I wanted to ask is —

For people who have scars, how do you think about them? Like are they a part of your identity now, or do they still bother you? Do they feel wrong when you look at them? And — if you are okay with them, did you do something to make yourself more okay with them? Or are you just kind of...never going to be okay with them, no matter what?

I have some. I think they're ugly, and hard to look at, and I try to keep them covered up so that they won't bother people who might see them. I guess really what I'm wondering is whether that's a feeling that's ever likely to change.

It's just something that's been on my mind more and more lately, is all.

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One of them was there, but he doesn't remember it. And I'm glad he doesn't. Even if it's a little hard sometimes, it's...better that way. But he knows how I got them, and so do the others.

So it's the knowledge of it. Only time and effort will heal that unfortunately. Some people can forget the knew or act like it doesn't matter. Others can't.

Perhaps a friend who doesn't know what caused them? Or one you are confident will think nothing of the cause since it isn't now?

I think if anyone knew the cause, they'd wind up feeling sorry for me, really...

I think you probably would, too, if I told you.

I've seen a lot of pain and hurt in my life, mu tara. I assure you that while I might feel sorry for what you experienced and wish that you hadn't needed to, I have learned from long experience that pity doesn't make anyone feel better and it changes nothing. I know how to look past what people have experienced but still see how those experiences shape them.

While I do not know why you would ever choose me to share your scars with, I promise you that if you ever did I wouldn't judge you in any way for them. They would not disgust me or shock me because I imagine that mine are far worse.

Well, there's one way to find out, I guess.

[A year ago, she wouldn't have been nearly so cavalier about this, maybe. But she's feeling braver than usual, and maybe a little reckless, and with the anniversary so close anyway...]

My scars are from when a guy from my hometown broke into my house at night and murdered me. That's why people feel sorry for me when they hear about it.

I wish that hadn't happened to you, mu tara. Unfortunately pain, betrayal, and darkness reach out in all directions and often strike when you least expect it. While I do not know you, I can't imagine a violent death is something you deserved. Brutality doesn't only target those deserving though.

[He isn't shocked by her words. Not really. One murder like that doesn't even touch the horrors he's seen in his own world both from personal experience and from government overthrows.]

You know what I was looking forward to, that night? A party at a friend's house that I was going to go to the next week. That's all. Just something silly and normal like that.

That's what I mean, when I said I stopped being normal. I don't think I ever get to go back to feeling like that, now.

That's what most people are thinking about when the world as they knew it ends. Something that in hindsight sounds ridiculous and mundane. It's what makes it so painful.

You won't. Not for a while. It takes years, if it happens at all. From personal experience though, there is a way back to seeing those "silly and normal" moments again. Maybe not quite the same way and not all the time, because those bad experiences will keep rearing their ugly heads even once they're mostly under control, but you will be able to live again. In fact, your experience may even let you appreciate all the small things you took for granted before. The things that nobody sees as anything special until they're ripped away and lost.

That's the part I hate the most, you know. That I can't just get rid of that monster forever. So long as I've got these scars, he's a part of me forever, now.

No, he's not. Not unless you choose to make him a part of you. Yes, they might always partly remind you of him, but that doesn't have to be the only thing they remind you of. They can be a visual reminder to live your life without regrets and that you have the strength to get past even what was meant to destroy you.

As much as I hate to say it, they can also remind you not to be as trusting. It's a nasty lesson that a lot of us learn, and it's not one you soon forget.

He might have taken your first life, but he certainly doesn't deserve to take your happiness. Don't let him.

Trust didn't have a whole lot to do with what happened to me. What he did...that was on him. I didn't have anything to do with it.

It's mostly just that I'm mad I'll never know about that first life, you know? How it would've gone. What it would've been. Sure, I have this one, but it's not quite the same.

People start new lives all the time, even without being killed. Usually it's not a choice either. Trying to think about what might have been if this or that hadn't happened, it's not worth it. All that will get you is pain.

text, un: bellabelle

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