Text - Anonymous

[foolishjustice]

I have a question, that...you'll probably understand my reasons for posting anonymously once you finish reading.

The local culture is very open and laid back about sexual interest. It's different as hell from my own home, where men who show sexual attraction are viewed as disgusting perverts and assumed to be dangerous, while people don't even fucking think about women having an interest in sex beyond wanting to have children. Some of the posts I've seen here would get everyone involved labeled sexual deviants for the shit they talk about in the open.

My question is, how do people adapt to it? I'm here doing my damn best to keep my mind out of the gutter because I've been taught thinking about anyone you don't want to date like that is disrespectful as hell and fucking creepy, but then I turn around and see people openly asking for hookups or rating each other's asses, and instead of people calling that shit skeevy, they either go along with it or treat it like a funny joke.

I know it's not prudishness, believe-you-fucking-me, my life would be easier if I was just naturally shy or reserved or whatever. It's an extreme form of culture shock, and I wish I didn't end up feeling like a dick constantly over the kinds of mental images I get from both the way people act in public around here and some of the things the prismals hand out as fucking party favors.

Comments

[foolishjustice]

I didn't have anyone I was really close to until recently, since the only family that cared about me died when I was young and I got shit from my classmates for being illegitimate. Maybe that has something to do with how much I'm struggling.

[piercedyourheart]

yeah....

yeah, that'd make you feel down about a lot of things.

[foolishjustice]

Feeling isolated makes anything like thinking of yourself as different harder to deal with. For a while, I even felt jealous of a friend who was more genuinely popular than me, because he seemed to be living his life to the fullest while I spent all my time trying to pretend to be perfect so people would accept me.

[piercedyourheart]

it's hard to know which you is the real you when you don't have anyone to bounce off of. since you don't know the real you, you end up not trusting anyone. you blend in well, but you always see yourself as apart.

that sound about right?

[foolishjustice]

It does. It also sounds like you've been through the same thing.

[piercedyourheart]

...yeah.

my dad died in an accident when i was 6. mom and i moved around a lot after that. she...didn't take it well. i was too young to understand what was happening so all i saw was that everyone left. it took a long time and a few good people to understand that wasn't the case.

you're never alone, anon.

TW: suicide mention

[foolishjustice]

...My mother also died when I was 6. She hung herself, and her relatives told me it was my fault for ruining her life. They convinced me she saw me as nothing but a burden, and treated everything about me that drew attention as a flaw.

After being passed around between enough homes, I ended up learning to play the role of the perfect foster child. But even once I escaped my background, I still felt like the real me was just someone nobody would want. But people liking a fake you is just as lonely as nobody liking you at all.

Maybe if I'd been more open about who I really am once I was living on my own, I would have found other people who understood sooner...

[piercedyourheart]

that's awful, anon. saying sorry doesn't mean much since this sounds like it happened a long time ago, but.... still.

well, we've all got different sides to ourselves, right? we tend to show certain sides that fit other people best when we're over our head. you forget who the real you is after a while, too.

the best part is that you're living on your own again, in a place where most people don't know you. plus it looks like a lot of people understand you if the number of responses means anything. you've got a chance to reinvent yourself.

[foolishjustice]

Figuring out who I really am, and who I really want to be, is one of the things I've been working on here. It's not easy, since I keep finding myself falling back into what I think of as 'desired' behavior, but it does feel good to have the freedom to try.

And, its surprising how much support I've gotten for this. I was expecting more judgment, but it sounds like feeling shamed for having sexual desires is a pretty common problem.

[piercedyourheart]

hey, we all mess up when moving forward. long as you're willing to keep trying then you'll have the best life you can.

i'm guessing that's a common problem because people are so weird about it. yeah, sex can be...embarrassing to talk about, i guess. that doesn't mean people don't ever talk about it, you know?