text; un: xiaoxingchen

[mingyues]

[ xiao xingchen is not someone who feels the urge to ask questions often. not of others, and even less so of strangers. for this, however, he'll make an exception, even if the words are hard to parse. ]

I have been thinking
The people that we are in this place, the people we become —
Is there a chance in this world for those who are destined to commit evil?
Or is it futile to expect that anything will change when we return to our worlds?

And if it is futile then... does anything we do here matter?

Comments

[scarcastically]

What's so hard about it?

[mingyues]

Killing innocent people goes against everything I believe. Knowing that I am going to do that, through accident or trickery or circumstance ... is difficult.

[scarcastically]

Guess so.

But you can prepare for it. And figure a way to make amends.

[mingyues]

A life for a life would be justice. I don't know how many lives I took. There is no way I can make amends in this lifetime. Or the next. Or even the one after that.

Destiny or fate are nothing when it comes to karma.

[scarcastically]

Then don't make amends. Do better.

I don't see how you dying makes any amends or justice either.

[mingyues]

It is about balance. If you lose an eye because of me, the only adequate restitution is to give you my own.

[scarcastically]

How do you know that's balance? Who's telling you that?

Balance, society, all of that's made up. We put those rules in there to have order.

But giving an eye because someone lost one for balance is bullshit. You do it because you've got the compassion or you don't.

[mingyues]

It is the right thing to do. If you wrong someone you make amends, atone.But some wounds are too deep.

[scarcastically]

So if you know that, then why going in circles?

You can't do the right thing if you're dead.

[mingyues]

Because the answer is not enough. None of this feels right.

We cannot die here, even if we wished to.

[scarcastically]

It sounds like you don't want an answer.

You just want to be punished.

[mingyues]

I want to fix this.

...No, but it would be deserved.

[scarcastically]

See you just contradicted yourself.

You want to fix it, but you want to be punished. You want to help, but you think you shouldn't.

That kind of thinking never gets anyone anywhere. It's a waste.

[mingyues]

[ he trusts erik enough to ramble like this, because he trusts the other to know better, to be smart and wiser and know the world that broke xiao xingchen. ]

Then how do I stop? How do I forget? How do I become sure of myself again?

[scarcastically]

You don't. That's something you live with your entire life. You can't stop or forget.

But you can only make change if you're alive.

[mingyues]

There is no choice but to live here and I made a promise to do so but..

Do you have hope?

[scarcastically]

Not for myself.

But for mankind, people? Sure. The world's what you make of it.

[mingyues]

[ not for myself.

well. that actually makes sense. ]

It is hard to think clearly without hope.

[scarcastically]

It is.

But you seem the type to have hope.

[mingyues]

I used to have it. Right now, I just feel lost.

[scarcastically]

That's normal.

[ a pause. ]

Being lost doesn't mean you can't be found.

[mingyues]

Have you been found?

[scarcastically]

No. And no one's going to.

But my case's unique.

[mingyues]

May I ask why?

[scarcastically]

Sorry. Don't really feel like going into it.