un: coolguy

[soupervillain]

CALLING ALL VILLAINS, EVILDOERS, AND GENERAL BAD GUYS!!!

GOOD GUYS DO NOT READ THIS!!!

(that means you)
Okay, now that that's out of the way! I'm Giovanni Potage, captain of the Banzai Blasters. (Please hold all autograph requests until we meet in person.) Any fellow bad guys want to team up and commit some crimes sometime? My knife-bat hand's getting kinda itchy, if you know what I mean. Know any good museums to rob? Shops to lift? Parks to litter in? Say the word!!

- Giovanni Potage
Captain of the Banzai Blasters

Comments

Text | un: Star-Lord

[spacedisaster]

There's truly never a boring day on this planet.

Ey buddy, I'm pretty sure good guys can and will see this regardless.

[soupervillain]

NOW you tell me!!! Did you know there's one already here? On this very post!!! The NERVE of these good guys, ignoring a very clear keep-out message!!! I put it in big text and everything!!

[spacedisaster]

[ This guy's a riot, peter already likes him. ]

Noooo? Really? Tsh, how disrespectful. [ Says someone who also makes a living out of being a hero across the galaxy. ]

Maybe in the next post you should to add something more. A picture or a sign, maybe sparkly text?

[soupervillain]

[ uwu ]

You!! You're a genius!! I could even make it a sparkly picture!!! Oh man, the BBs could use an idea person like you. You unaffiliated??

[spacedisaster]

[ Heh. ]

I'm happy to help. [ Plus judging by the reactions of other people commenting to this post, a new one with sparkling text will be no short of amusing. ]

I'm afraid I already have my own team, yes, even if most of them aren't here. What does BBs stand for?

[soupervillain]

You haven't heard of the Banzai Blasters?! We're only the most feared supervillain team in Sweet Jazz City, and possibly the world!!! Boy, I really need to get around to hiring a PR guy, huh.

[spacedisaster]

Oh right, you mentioned that in the post. No, I've never heard of them before but that's a pretty sweet name.

You're the only one of them here? Since you were asking for team ups. Why you want to do crimes, though? you can pretty much get all you need just by moonlacing and making chroma?

[soupervillain]

Hey, thanks!! I didn't come up with it.

Well, if I don't do crimes, how am I gonna retain my bad guy cred? Plus, there's some stuff you can't get just from buying. Like ancient artifacts of unknown power!!!

[spacedisaster]

Welcome, and still, cool name.

Take this from someone who has deal with plenty powerful ancient artifacts, they're more trouble than it's worth.

[soupervillain]

Oh yeah?? Like what kinda trouble?

[spacedisaster]

Like 'wiping out half the life of the whole universe from existence' kinda trouble.

It took five years and a lot of lives to fix that one.

[soupervillain]

........Oh.

That's bad.

[spacedisaster]

Very.

So, don't be that level of villain, it's really not worth it.

[soupervillain]

I'm not gonna KILL people!!! Geez!!! I'm a villain, not a CREEP!!!

[spacedisaster]

That's reassuring.

But most of the villain I know kill people, it's kind f what makes them villains int he first place. It's good to know you don't do that.

[soupervillain]

Oooh boy, you gotta point me at those ""villains"" so I can give them a taste of POTAGE JUSTICE!!! There's so many other ways to be a villain!! Killing people is not only terrible, it's UNIMAGINATIVE!!!

[spacedisaster]

[ That actually gets Peter to smile, a shame Giovanni can't see it. It's not a mocking smile, he thinks it's sweet that the other is so offended by mean guys being that mean.

You sure you're a villain, Giovanni? ]

It's a really heinous and cowardly act, good to know you don't sink so low. So far none of the murderous jackasses from my world are here, so it's all good. Don't worry about them.

Do you have any special weapons or super powers...?

[soupervillain]

[ Yes he's extremely evil and nefarious shut up!!!! ]

Okay, GOOD!!! They better stay out!! But if they show up, just let me know and I'll whack 'em one for you!!

Pfft, do I have weapons or powers, he says?? As far as weapons go, I wield a little something of my own devising, the Soul Slugger Doom Bat of Maximum Destruction!!! And I have SOUP!!!

[spacedisaster]

[ Oh yes, it shows. ]

Then I'll let you know if they end here. You'd be doing the world a solid.

That is a really kick-ass name for a weapon. [ Maybe also something a 14 years old with a lot of imagination will come up with but still sounds cool. ] Ah sorry, I didn't catch the last part. I thought you said soup.

[soupervillain]

Heh heh, thanks!!! I named it myself!! It has all the powers of a bat... AND a knife!!! Take a moment to be awed if you need it.

Put down that Q-tip, my friend, because there's nothing wrong with your ears!! (Also because you shouldn't put Q-tips in your ears in the first place) I did in fact say SOUP!!! That's my epithet!! I have ULTIMATE CONTROL over most things edible and liquidy!!!

1/2

[spacedisaster]

Two in one, that's very efficient. I've seen bats with nails sticking out of them before but a knife? Now that's innovation . [ Right well, it must be useful in some way if the guy uses it, right? Peter has seen stranger weapons. The next statement, though, it makes him pause and stare.]

You can control soup.

2/2

[spacedisaster]

[ ... ]

Dude, that's SO COOL!!! An epithet is like a quirk or a superpower, I take it? Does it need to be hot or it can be cold too? I mean...does Gazpacho count as soup? I think it should count. Can you manipulate Gazpacho? That would be really fun, if also very messy! And does your power work with anything liquid and edible? What about spit? It's not soup but it's a liquid and since it's in our mouth we're eating and swallowing it all the time.

[ Peter here asking the important questions, you see. At least he's not asking about other bodily fluids. ]

[soupervillain]

Wow, you catch on quick!! That's EXACTLY what an epithet is!! The powers come from the word itself, so gazpacho totally does fall under my skillset (and I make a pretty tasty one, actually, if I say so myself), but spit definitely doesn't. Also, that's gross!! But hang out with me sometime and I'll show you my MASTERY OF GAZPACHO (and other soups)!! It's super impressive!!!

[spacedisaster]

I know a couple of teens here that call their power 'quirks' and back home there are a lot of magic users and the like, so I figured you were talking about the same kind of thing. I had some for a while too but I lost them after my asshole father was killed.

[ Killed by him and his friends because Ego was insane but shhhh details. ]

And now I am getting hungry for gazpacho. What do you do with the soup then? Thro it at people really fast or...?

[soupervillain]

Oh hey, that sucks about your powers. I'd say it sucks about your dad too, but it sounds like you don't miss him too much. So what kinda powers did you have when you had them??

Hey, come on over anytime!! I'll make you a gazpacho so delicious, your taste buds will SCREAM IN AGONY!!! But, like, good agony. Agoodny. And you wouldn't think it, but soup has a surprising amount of combat applications!! But yeah, I usually throw hot soup at people. It's extremely dangerous!!!