prismatica | Text - Anonymous

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Text - Anonymous

I have a question, that...you'll probably understand my reasons for posting anonymously once you finish reading.

The local culture is very open and laid back about sexual interest. It's different as hell from my own home, where men who show sexual attraction are viewed as disgusting perverts and assumed to be dangerous, while people don't even fucking think about women having an interest in sex beyond wanting to have children. Some of the posts I've seen here would get everyone involved labeled sexual deviants for the shit they talk about in the open.

My question is, how do people adapt to it? I'm here doing my damn best to keep my mind out of the gutter because I've been taught thinking about anyone you don't want to date like that is disrespectful as hell and fucking creepy, but then I turn around and see people openly asking for hookups or rating each other's asses, and instead of people calling that shit skeevy, they either go along with it or treat it like a funny joke.

I know it's not prudishness, believe-you-fucking-me, my life would be easier if I was just naturally shy or reserved or whatever. It's an extreme form of culture shock, and I wish I didn't end up feeling like a dick constantly over the kinds of mental images I get from both the way people act in public around here and some of the things the prismals hand out as fucking party favors.

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...It might take a little while, though. I need to figure out what dreams really are my own, and which ones are motivated by outside pressures.

Since, I'm not exactly going to be able to continue my career as a detective back home, even if I don't spend the rest of my life in prison.

Just a bit, maybe.

There are probably people around that offer that kind of service, too.

So. People who ask, eh~? 🤔

I'm not at all against getting a bit rough with people who enjoy it.

Is that a request?

I mean.

It's not not a request.

I'll take it under consideration, then.

I'm meeting up with someone else soon, but my evening is clear.

Women aren't really considered to have a desire for sex where I'm from, too. Like, it's just not even thought about, at best.

Or you're a tainted slut or worse.

I don't really remember when I started hating that, but it's been awhile. It would be kind of refreshing to be somewhere where I'm allowed to actually express that and like, be allowed to have a sexuality, but, I dunno, it's complicated, right?

I had to face down my own desire to be a sexual person in a big way, and accept that about myself, but in order to live the way I wanna live, I still had to really hide it, you know?

I don't really know what the point in saying all this is, except that I understand where you're coming from, I think, but instead of feeling like a dick I feel like... hmm. You know all the bad things they say about girls who "like sex" I'm sure. I feel like I'm betraying myself, too, like I'm letting myself be a piece of meat. But I do want that kind of attention, and I know that about myself. It's not new. It's just suddenly... relevant.

I hope both of us can learn how to be honest about that part of ourselves and be okay with it.

I didn't expect to say so much in response to this. Guess I needed to get it out.

I think I needed to get this off my chest too, so I understand completely.

I also understand your worries about people judging you. I'm an illegitimate child, and I learned a lot of insults even I won't repeat from people hurling them at my mother. I don't know how she managed to not assault any of the fuckers for the things they called her to her face.

But I think there's a difference between flaunting and letting yourself be a piece of meat. The latter implies a lack of agency, like you're just letting people treat you like an object. Showing off is on your own terms, so you're in control of it. Hell, the only reason I dress modestly as a general habit is because I've dealt with so many creepy assholes acting like taking care of my appearance gives them permission to invade my personal space, so I understand being proud of your body and liking attention.

It's a bit different for me, though, being male. Guys who think about sex outside of a relationship are considered creepy assholes, and assumed to be pieces of shit that'll cheat on their girlfriends. It makes it even worse that I'm poly, since until I got here, I thought that I was that shitty because I'd be interested in more than one person at a time.

[Wow that's a lot of validation being aggressively thrown her way at once. Forgive Rise while she blinks at the screen.]

I can only imagine the kinds of things your mother went through...

That's... that's actually really nice to hear, especially from a guy. So you do totally get the difference, between being attracted to someone and objectifying someone. That's really what the difference between being a creep and not a creep is, so I think you're definitely too hard on yourself.

Makes me feel better, I think. I really like attention. I will seek it out! And I've learned the ways that are "acceptable" for me to do that, and sometimes I push the boundaries, but mostly I play it safe, right? It's still hard, though, because I want to do it more.

I'd want to flaunt to multiple people in my lifetime, for a starters, without worrying about all this crap. Heh, or multiple people in a week, but that's just slutty and greedy of me, right?

I've.. definitely had more than one crush at a time, though. I didn't even know girls could do that, before it happened. That just made everything more complicated, and made me feel like a jerk.

You lost me there though, friend. 'Poly' isn't that a greek prefix? What's that got to do with anything?

In this case, it's short for 'polyamorous'. It means I want to have relationships with multiple people at once. Which felt really shitty of me, when I thought the only way to do it was to be a cheating asshole.

The thing that helped me understand the difference between being polyamorous and being greedy is thinking of how much I hate love triangle plots. How many times has the ending of a romcom felt unsatisfying, because the rival love interest had her heart broken for no reason other than the protagonist feeling obligated to pick one?

If the interest is all mutual, and everyone knows what's going on, it's hurting people more to ignore all but one than it is to embrace what you really want.

There's a word for that?

That's a thing?

Like, people actually do that, and it doesn't just end with a couple who got totally attached and the leftovers? Like... people don't get jealous and just end up fighting?

I was all on board with you, everything made so much sense, but this one's harder to believe.

Just personally speaking, I don't know if I could... share? Like that. Knowing that at that moment, someone I loved was with someone else? I feel like I'd combust with rage.

[But at the same time... she's imagining a world where she could have flirted with everyone she had wanted to, and get attention in return, and that was okay and it just sounds like an impossible fairy tale. In a good way.]

I didn't know either until I got here, and someone realized I had a crush on her boyfriend. She explained it to me, and even encouraged me about it. We're good friends now, and I actually feel less jealous than I would if only one of us was involved with him. Since he already had someone when I confessed, I know that what we have is because he really is interested in me, and not just because he was lonely and desperate and I was there.

It's the same way with my girlfriend, I know we're together because she wants us to be.

I probably would have felt insecure if my first relationship was with someone who was single, but even so...I think it would have felt good to know that someone who had other options available still kept coming back to spend time with me.

Everything in that response is just... not what I expected at all.

I'm trying to imagine being anyone in that sort of situation and it going like that and... I don't know how to feel about it.

Your explanation makes sense but also doesn't make sense.

Part of my brain is trying to think this is fake and you're making it up. Not that I'm calling you a liar! That's not what I mean. I think maybe my brain is too knotted up about all of this to make sense of it right now.

You just... you didn't feel jealous at all?

I did at first, when I first realized they were dating. Part of me wanted to be mad at her, but I'd already thought I didn't have a chance with him for other reasons. I wasn't out of the closet yet, for one thing, so the idea of actually asking another guy out was daunting.

When she explained things and encouraged me, though...well, it's harder to feel jealous of someone who's being wholeheartedly supportive of your feelings for her boyfriend. I could tell she meant it about not wanting to monopolize his time, so I don't really see her as a threat to my relationship with him.

My girlfriend is a little more complicated, since I don't know her other boyfriend that well, but I know it's something they've talked about. If he goes and starts interfering in our relationship after that, I'd be pissed at him out of more than just jealousy.

Sounds like you're living a fairy tale.

Honestly that girl sounds like an amazing person, I wish I could be like that.

Nothing against her, but I really cannot imagine my friend being like that. I know she cares about me, but there's no way she would be like 'yeah, totally, we should both date this guy we like'

I don't know if that's even what I would want to hear, though? She got there first. That doesn't feel good. But I guess there's more to it than that.

I know them from home. I tried so hard to get this guy to ask me out, I was more obvious than I should have been comfortable with, you know? I took a risk, there, and I set myself up to not really have other options, and it never went anywhere. He never asked anyone out, that I know of.

And then here... I guess it's different, here, but.

I'm thinking myself in circles, sorry. This isn't your problem. Thanks for sharing.

I don't mind helping. If anything, it makes me feel better to know there are more people with the same problems I've had.

Maybe you should think about if you really don't want to ask her to share, or if you're just so used to the idea of someone being there first meaning you've lost your chance that you can't imagine anything else. It sounds like you're telling yourself it's already too late, and getting so caught up in the consequences of putting your hopes on this one person that it's hard to shift to thinking there's still a chance.

Also, for what it's worth, I think the idea that a woman should only be known to love one man is bullshit. That kind of thing is how women get stuck in abusive relationships, because they think that if they leave, they'll spend the rest of their lives alone because they're like someone else's hand-me-downs.

I might have to take you up on that.

Well, you know where to find me if you do.

That makes sense. It is nice to know you share a perspective with someone, especially if it's a thing that makes you feel isolated or abnormal.

I feel like you know me too well already and you don't even know who I am! Stop that! It... absolutely does feel like that. Getting there first is winning, being second means you're just a fill-in. I was so fixated on him for so long, I didn't want to give up the hope or I'd feel like I wasted so much. Not that I don't value his friendship, of course! Just, you know, how limited options seem, back home.

That whole "purity" thing. It's definitely like relating girls to hand-me-downs. Ugh, that's so gross! I hate it so much! But I play right into it! I have my whole life!

I can't help it, being insightful has been an important part of managing in society for me. I've spent a lot of time playing whatever role people wanted me to fill, so I've had to learn to read people to know what they want me to be.

But, try thinking about the pressure to find someone, and how that might make the one who was there first question things. I don't think being first or second, or fifth for that matter, makes you more or less significant. What's important is that your partner chooses to spend time with you, even when you know there's nothing pressuring them into it.

The 'second-hand' bullshit pisses me off. It's what lets cheating assholes get away with having affairs, since all the woman involved think they're ruined for anyone else and don't have an option of leaving. Especially with what women over 25 have to put up with in the workplace. I don't think there's any shit like that here, though, so maybe you can work on fighting back against that mindset.

"Playing whatever role people wanted me to fill" huh. You could be the same as me, then.

[A boy idol? Possibly, he hasn't said anything to contradict.]

There's a lot to think about in general. I should... try to re-evaluate what I think their perspective might be, though. I guess I don't know what anyone else is thinking...

[She doesn't actually know what's going through Chie and Souji's heads.]

Sounds like you've had some direct experience with these things.

It would be nice... to not be so caught up in the idea of purity. To not feel like I have to just keep myself available for anyone in the world by denying myself. I just... always thought I'd have to be sneaky about it. You know?

My condolences. It's fucking awful, spending all your time doing what other people want.

My mother was the mistress of an utter piece of shit. After he dumped her by the side of the road because she got pregnant, she was pretty much on her own.

I get it. I try to seem approachable, and people knowing how dirty my mind gets would leave girls thinking I'm just another asshole looking at them like pinup posters. Plus being bisexual back home will get you a lot of shit even if you only show interest in people you're dating.

Hm. That makes it hard to test.

I'd offer, but I'm probably not a very good test subject.

Especially since we mainly know each other in passing.

I hadn't even begun to guess at your secret identity.

That's true! The place I visited the most at home always had the freshest coffee. And it smelled so good... even if you don't like to drink coffee that smell is just too good. You never really get that at chain places.

It sounds like you've had a lot of jerks in your life. Someone who actually cares cares about you being hurt, too, even if it means they have to swallow their pride and apologize.

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