prismatica | Text - Anonymous

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Text - Anonymous

I have a question, that...you'll probably understand my reasons for posting anonymously once you finish reading.

The local culture is very open and laid back about sexual interest. It's different as hell from my own home, where men who show sexual attraction are viewed as disgusting perverts and assumed to be dangerous, while people don't even fucking think about women having an interest in sex beyond wanting to have children. Some of the posts I've seen here would get everyone involved labeled sexual deviants for the shit they talk about in the open.

My question is, how do people adapt to it? I'm here doing my damn best to keep my mind out of the gutter because I've been taught thinking about anyone you don't want to date like that is disrespectful as hell and fucking creepy, but then I turn around and see people openly asking for hookups or rating each other's asses, and instead of people calling that shit skeevy, they either go along with it or treat it like a funny joke.

I know it's not prudishness, believe-you-fucking-me, my life would be easier if I was just naturally shy or reserved or whatever. It's an extreme form of culture shock, and I wish I didn't end up feeling like a dick constantly over the kinds of mental images I get from both the way people act in public around here and some of the things the prismals hand out as fucking party favors.

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In this case, it's short for 'polyamorous'. It means I want to have relationships with multiple people at once. Which felt really shitty of me, when I thought the only way to do it was to be a cheating asshole.

The thing that helped me understand the difference between being polyamorous and being greedy is thinking of how much I hate love triangle plots. How many times has the ending of a romcom felt unsatisfying, because the rival love interest had her heart broken for no reason other than the protagonist feeling obligated to pick one?

If the interest is all mutual, and everyone knows what's going on, it's hurting people more to ignore all but one than it is to embrace what you really want.

There's a word for that?

That's a thing?

Like, people actually do that, and it doesn't just end with a couple who got totally attached and the leftovers? Like... people don't get jealous and just end up fighting?

I was all on board with you, everything made so much sense, but this one's harder to believe.

Just personally speaking, I don't know if I could... share? Like that. Knowing that at that moment, someone I loved was with someone else? I feel like I'd combust with rage.

[But at the same time... she's imagining a world where she could have flirted with everyone she had wanted to, and get attention in return, and that was okay and it just sounds like an impossible fairy tale. In a good way.]

I didn't know either until I got here, and someone realized I had a crush on her boyfriend. She explained it to me, and even encouraged me about it. We're good friends now, and I actually feel less jealous than I would if only one of us was involved with him. Since he already had someone when I confessed, I know that what we have is because he really is interested in me, and not just because he was lonely and desperate and I was there.

It's the same way with my girlfriend, I know we're together because she wants us to be.

I probably would have felt insecure if my first relationship was with someone who was single, but even so...I think it would have felt good to know that someone who had other options available still kept coming back to spend time with me.

Everything in that response is just... not what I expected at all.

I'm trying to imagine being anyone in that sort of situation and it going like that and... I don't know how to feel about it.

Your explanation makes sense but also doesn't make sense.

Part of my brain is trying to think this is fake and you're making it up. Not that I'm calling you a liar! That's not what I mean. I think maybe my brain is too knotted up about all of this to make sense of it right now.

You just... you didn't feel jealous at all?

I did at first, when I first realized they were dating. Part of me wanted to be mad at her, but I'd already thought I didn't have a chance with him for other reasons. I wasn't out of the closet yet, for one thing, so the idea of actually asking another guy out was daunting.

When she explained things and encouraged me, though...well, it's harder to feel jealous of someone who's being wholeheartedly supportive of your feelings for her boyfriend. I could tell she meant it about not wanting to monopolize his time, so I don't really see her as a threat to my relationship with him.

My girlfriend is a little more complicated, since I don't know her other boyfriend that well, but I know it's something they've talked about. If he goes and starts interfering in our relationship after that, I'd be pissed at him out of more than just jealousy.

Sounds like you're living a fairy tale.

Honestly that girl sounds like an amazing person, I wish I could be like that.

Nothing against her, but I really cannot imagine my friend being like that. I know she cares about me, but there's no way she would be like 'yeah, totally, we should both date this guy we like'

I don't know if that's even what I would want to hear, though? She got there first. That doesn't feel good. But I guess there's more to it than that.

I know them from home. I tried so hard to get this guy to ask me out, I was more obvious than I should have been comfortable with, you know? I took a risk, there, and I set myself up to not really have other options, and it never went anywhere. He never asked anyone out, that I know of.

And then here... I guess it's different, here, but.

I'm thinking myself in circles, sorry. This isn't your problem. Thanks for sharing.

I don't mind helping. If anything, it makes me feel better to know there are more people with the same problems I've had.

Maybe you should think about if you really don't want to ask her to share, or if you're just so used to the idea of someone being there first meaning you've lost your chance that you can't imagine anything else. It sounds like you're telling yourself it's already too late, and getting so caught up in the consequences of putting your hopes on this one person that it's hard to shift to thinking there's still a chance.

Also, for what it's worth, I think the idea that a woman should only be known to love one man is bullshit. That kind of thing is how women get stuck in abusive relationships, because they think that if they leave, they'll spend the rest of their lives alone because they're like someone else's hand-me-downs.

That makes sense. It is nice to know you share a perspective with someone, especially if it's a thing that makes you feel isolated or abnormal.

I feel like you know me too well already and you don't even know who I am! Stop that! It... absolutely does feel like that. Getting there first is winning, being second means you're just a fill-in. I was so fixated on him for so long, I didn't want to give up the hope or I'd feel like I wasted so much. Not that I don't value his friendship, of course! Just, you know, how limited options seem, back home.

That whole "purity" thing. It's definitely like relating girls to hand-me-downs. Ugh, that's so gross! I hate it so much! But I play right into it! I have my whole life!

I can't help it, being insightful has been an important part of managing in society for me. I've spent a lot of time playing whatever role people wanted me to fill, so I've had to learn to read people to know what they want me to be.

But, try thinking about the pressure to find someone, and how that might make the one who was there first question things. I don't think being first or second, or fifth for that matter, makes you more or less significant. What's important is that your partner chooses to spend time with you, even when you know there's nothing pressuring them into it.

The 'second-hand' bullshit pisses me off. It's what lets cheating assholes get away with having affairs, since all the woman involved think they're ruined for anyone else and don't have an option of leaving. Especially with what women over 25 have to put up with in the workplace. I don't think there's any shit like that here, though, so maybe you can work on fighting back against that mindset.

"Playing whatever role people wanted me to fill" huh. You could be the same as me, then.

[A boy idol? Possibly, he hasn't said anything to contradict.]

There's a lot to think about in general. I should... try to re-evaluate what I think their perspective might be, though. I guess I don't know what anyone else is thinking...

[She doesn't actually know what's going through Chie and Souji's heads.]

Sounds like you've had some direct experience with these things.

It would be nice... to not be so caught up in the idea of purity. To not feel like I have to just keep myself available for anyone in the world by denying myself. I just... always thought I'd have to be sneaky about it. You know?

My condolences. It's fucking awful, spending all your time doing what other people want.

My mother was the mistress of an utter piece of shit. After he dumped her by the side of the road because she got pregnant, she was pretty much on her own.

I get it. I try to seem approachable, and people knowing how dirty my mind gets would leave girls thinking I'm just another asshole looking at them like pinup posters. Plus being bisexual back home will get you a lot of shit even if you only show interest in people you're dating.

That explains why you feel so strongly about this.

Well, as a girl, and as a girl who has dealt with creeps, I don't think just having a sex drive makes you one. It's like... you don't think it's okay to just say and do whatever, you wouldn't get mad if she were to turn you down, right?

I've... met people who have managed to compliment my looks and tell me they're attracted to me without making me uncomfortable. It makes me feel really good, actually. It's all in how you say it.

Of course not. I actually have a coworker who I've been trying to get to realize I like her for a while, but I've never gotten upset by her ignoring it.

I guess I've never really thought about how differently someone would feel if they were approached politely. None of the people who compliment me on my looks have any fucking tact, so it just ends up making me feel like they see me like some kind of walking dakimakura...

See, there you go!

I know how frustrating that can be, though. Doing your best to drop hints and get someone's attention, and it just... doesn't work. It hurts. I'm sorry you went through that.

Well if I ever find you around I'll give you a good ol' nonthreatening approach ok? Cause you sound pretty attractive to me, giving all this good advice. I can totally be tactful, and you deserve that.

I don't let it get to me too much. She's overworked, so I wouldn't be surprised if she just plain doesn't have time for a love life. Not to mention the bullshit expectation that a woman will quit her job and become a housewife as soon as she gets married.

We're both anonymous, though, so I'm not sure how either of us would know it if we did run into each other.

I suppose not, but never say never! I might find you out.

And then watch out for compliments!

Seriously, though, thank you. I don't know if this will apply to me, but it helps to know someone who feels the same, also sees some things differently.

That goes for both of us. It's nice to feel less alone.

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