The Worst Mukbang in History [video]

[shivvymetimbers]

[It takes a moment for the footage to start but once it does, the audience is awarded with the gloriously grotesque sight of this squirrelly bastard nomming on what looks like a neon green crawfish. Why crawfish? Well, Bastien is quite partial to seafood no matter what season it is. That and the fact he managed to fish this poor bastard out himself.

Which leads to the question everyone must have at this point, why is he filming this? It might have something to do with the agonized screams of this bright-colored crustacean.

ARGH! YOU SON OF A WHORE!

[That wasn't Bastien, folks. That was the crawfish.]

That was my leg, ya lil shite! My good leg too!

[Bastien pauses in mid-bite, his teeth clutching the rump of this feisty crustacean.]

Get off me, you nasty bugger! Help! HELP!

[The crawfish’s pleas for help don't fall on deaf ears. Bastien eventually lets the little jerk go. The crawfish curses him the hell out for his transgressions before hopping back into the water with a splash. That's when Bastien turns the screen back to himself with a sigh.]

Thinking of going ’veggies only’ if everything breathin’ howls like that.

[Not all of the marine life talk but that sucker does. It’s rather off-putting.]

Comments

video; un: vivelafrance

[ringlette]

[ ...

Even Marie is a little baffled by the display. ]

What were you exactly trying to do?

video; un: thedevilfish

[shivvymetimbers]

It's food!

[He declares looking rather baffled at the question.]

I was going to eat it, but then it yelled at me for it!

[ringlette]

And why did you record yourself doing that, in front of this vast audience?

[ That's what baffled her most, Bastien! What are you doing??? ]

[shivvymetimbers]

Folks have recorded worse stuff!

[Believe him, he's seen all sorts of stuff on here, most of it nightmarish.]

Besides, I never saw a lime-green crawfish before. They're different from all the purple crawlies I see usually.

[badluckblues]

look i'm not that great at cooking but even i know to kill it first

[shivvymetimbers]

Boiling them usually ruins the flavour!

Then again, it would've kept the little bastard silent.

[badluckblues]

yes that is the intent behind killing them first: making sure your meat doesn't scream.

[shivvymetimbers]

Quit judging me! My mum and I used to munch on these little cusses raw! That is until dad suggested putting them in gumbo instead.

[How do human, Qrow? Bastien can't.]

Don't you landlubbers eat raw food too?

un: gunshow

[angelshot]

lmao pussy

just throw it in boiling water next time what's the big deal

Re: un: thedevilfish

[shivvymetimbers]

Hey, hey! He was pleading for his life!

I can't just drown them in scalding water after that. Wouldn't that be rather cruel?

[angelshot]

hey dude i mean

if you wanna starve your ass then thats your problem but practically everything talks here anyway. might as well get used to chatty seafood bitching and complaining before you dunk that shit like kobe.

[shivvymetimbers]

Hey, hey! Starving to death is absolutely out the question here! I didn't survive a damn shipwreck just to screw up here.

Next time I'll just snap his measly little neck and be done with it.

[A gruesome thought, no? Bastien is still somewhat averse to the idea but that's beside the point.]

Who's Kobe? Some bloke you fancy?

[Video] un: firefist

[burnt_offering]

I'm never gonna get used to this place. Damn, that really looked edible...

[Video] un: thedevilfish

[shivvymetimbers]

Doesn't it!? You can barely tell what's food and what's not anymore!

[He lets out a dramatic sigh.]

Just like with those jellyfish aliens. You can't tell me that those things were anything other than sentient fish!

[Video]

[burnt_offering]

It's not right! Food should be food, and not talk. And it should be obvious that it's not food.

[After a pause.] Did you try any of the jellyfish stuff that's being sold? It's food, but... It's kinda gross. Just warning you. I'll eat it, but I'll eat pretty much anything. I don't get sick. But that's pushing the line for me.

Video; Un: sharaxe

[soulburningfights]

In all my moon I have not-- [Wait. Namazu comes into mind.]

On second thought, I'd toss that thing back in a heart beat and pray we don't cross paths.

[video] ; un: thedevilfish

[shivvymetimbers]

[He definitely tossed that crazy looking crawfish back.]

The last thing I want is bad karma for tryin' to eat that bloke. The food around these parts is as strange as hell.

[video]

[soulburningfights]

The only thing strange about it is some of their names.

[Please don't ask, it's complicated.]

[Text; un: turntechGodhead]

[itsknighttime]

im never going swimming ever
i feel like that bitch could call me out on anything and id still pussy out
this got me straight fucked up where im hoping im not high and that shit actually happened
who the fuck even says son of a whore anymore?

[[No, he loved it is the problem.]]

christ man order in and let them do the work next time

Re: [Text; un: turntechGodhead]

[shivvymetimbers]

That fish apparently.

[Rude ass crawfish is the new norm around here. Scary.]

I would love for those suckers to call me out! I swim faster than all those surly fishies put together. No one can beat me, trust me.

Say, how come you have fancy red font?

[itsknighttime]

man seems like
still if i dont hear more people using son of a whore more often im going to actually be sad
maybe not at people just around people

ah dont do that
that sounds like a challenge and i cant swim past fucking around in the shallows

easy bro i can teach you if you want
everythings code

[shivvymetimbers]

It's much better than calling my mother the alternative. I think I would've bitten his head off otherwise. A gruesome thought, no?

I swear none of you landlubbers can swim! It's quite disappointing.

Teaaaaaaaaaaaach me! This coding stuff isn't my cup of tea.

video ;

[omkara]

(He's so uncomfortable and it shows on his face.)

Why? Why would you do this? Why are you terrorizing sentient beings?

Re: video ;

[shivvymetimbers]

Shock value and conversation!

[So says this snarky pirate with the unapologetic grin.]

Did I ruin your appetite, luv?

[omkara]

(... what. Kanda is silent for a moment before he shakes his head and turns off the connection between the two of them.)